The Myth of Control
Was I planning on blogging today? No. Was I was planning on receiving the news I received from my first visit with my new surgeon? No. However, like everyday you have cancer, you never know what the day is going to bring you. As the days go on with cancer the realization continues to sink in - you have no control.
As Greg mentioned in a prior journal, we were not too keen on our surgeon, so we ended up receiving a referral for a highly recommended doctor. Today was our first visit with Dr. M. As many of our visits to PMH, you wait many hours past your appointment time to get in, and then all of a sudden your are in front of the doctor, they say something you were absolutely not expecting, and BAM! The remainder of the visit is a blur. And that's what happened today . . . we were expecting a get-to-know you visit, but Dr. M had other plans.
Based on my continued fog lurking around from this morning, I believe the visit went something like this . . . introductions; doctor has me point to the first tumor that I had the lumpectomy on (which they did NOT remove all of it), then the doctor asks me point to the other lump they biopsied which they told me was benign; April Fools - that lump is NOT benign - it's cancer! Yup, I cannot make this shit up. My biopsy on that other lump was months ago and today is the day someone decided to share this news with me.
What does this all mean? Today, it means nothing other than Cancer 2 BLG 1. We will continue with the aggressive chemo. And during this time, I will have another MRI, and depending on the results, I may get a couple lymph nodes under my right arm removed; I need a mastectomy (obviously I will get a bilateral) so I will meet with a plastic surgeon; I may still need radiation, so I will meet with the radial oncologist; and I will get my cancer gene panel test done on May 27th. We play the waiting game again, and we still don't have all the answers. The plan we had set is out the door, and we will once again do more tests, speak to more people, and wait for more results.
How do I feel? Angry. Pissed off. Out of control. Will this pass? Of course, but I just want control of my body, my schedule and most importantly my life. Anytime I feel like I have control, I am just fooling myself. Cancer has control, and I am along for the ride. Does this mean I am giving up? Abso-fucking-lutely not. It's like driving a vehicle that has manual steering. I just have to work a little harder to steer the wheel in the direction I am hoping to go. What is clear is there is no choice to let go of the wheel, give the wheel to someone else or just jump out. It's still my cancer, my body, and my life!
Thanks to Toby for the title of this entry, and the words I needed to hear in order to get through this day. It means the world to me.
Comments (6)
Hey Bobbie, such a real blog! Real life! The myth of control is like you said, you have none, BUT sometimes no control also means this is your time to get your head around things & most importantly you! Because sometimes no control means all the control because you are out of it! Sometimes God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. He knew thst when He chose you that you wouldnot stop, you would not give up & that you would look cancerstraight in the eye and say - "don't fuck (sorry) with me because I am not the one!!! Sometimes no answer IS the answer for the same reason. So my wise, brave, courageous, strong friend, that is your answer & keep doing all you have been & shine that light from inside for the world to see & tell c where to go because YOU are not the one!!! Write your story, your journey, your life!!! That IS control!!! Keep calm & kick c in the Ass!!
Keep Hanging in there Bobbie. You have more control than you realize just by being able to verbalize what you are feeling and realizing that you are blasting your way through every hurdle that pops up. Think of it like whack-a-mole- bang that M*(*therf^%&cker back in. Or on a softer note (depending how much of a warrior you are feeling) remember that poster when we were young of the kitten hanging on the tree branch and it said "keep hanging in there"? you do that! Warrior Queen!!
Bobbie -- I agree with Mona and Bev -- being able to be honest and express yourself verbally is control. You have a right to be frustrated and angry, but you will channel those emotions to conquer -- I've seen to do this at work and you will succeed. You continue to inspire all who know you!
Holy Crap! How could they not know about the other result?! Thank Goodness you trusted your gut and sought another opinion! I pray they get things right and do right by you! Please know you have lots of cheerleaders out here.
What an undeserved nightmare! How could a biopsy be benign one day and malignant the next! Well my friend, you will kill it, and, like any battle plan, it all changes once implemented , and the unanticipated takes place. You are still quite a woman and warrior and will be a year from now ! You are Ripley...kill the Alien and show no mercy. You said it yourself- you are not giving up! You are a true Warrior and super women. Kill it Ripley !
Bobbie - You get mad. You get angry. And you kick and scream your way through this fight. Cancer doesn't know who it's dealing with. I have every confidence that you will show this disease who is boss and who will regain control. You got this.