Big Deal vs. Small Deal

On this Saturday morning, I am in need of some internal soul searching . . . so I must write.  The recent news from my new surgeon Dr. M. has me confused, sad, stressed, and angry.  What do I know?  That I have another tumor. I also know this changes my treatment plan.  What I don't know is how this changes my prognosis.  As there is absolutely nothing I can do with this current news besides stay on course with my chemo treatment until I get my MRI and gene panel tests, I must dig down deep and find the fortitude to keep on keeping on.

In the Goldie household Greg and Ayden have come up with the "Big Deal vs. Small Deal" scenario which has become a staple in our day-to-day living.  When we moved from the US to Canada, the change took a bit of a toll on our children.  Abbey and Ayden were age three at the time and reverted back to bed wetting.  The first couple times they woke up with wet pants they cried and cried and felt so awful.  Greg would look down at their sad little faces and say "No worries, this is not a big deal.  We will just clean you up and all will be okay."  One day Ayden looked up at Greg and said "Daddy, is this a small deal?"  Greg replied "Yes, baby this is not a big deal, this is a small deal."  And ever since that moment in time we constantly go back to Ayden's words of wisdom of small deals.  If Abbey knocks over her cup of milk at dinner time, and starts to get upset, we remind her this is a small deal.  Now if Ayden hits his sister and makes her cry that is a big deal. Big deals are saved for hurting feelings or major items.

So is another tumor a big deal or a small deal?  I already have cancer.  I cannot change that.  I am done  with my third round of chemo which should be killing the cancer cells and shrinking the cancer that is inside of me.  Can I do anything more at this moment in time?  Now don't get me wrong, cancer is a big fucking deal! But why get myself stressed out over another tumor when we do not know if this extra tumor is a big deal or a small deal yet.  So at this moment in time I get to choose . . . small deal I say.

I have taken this mantra to work and have used it in many of instances.  People that work with me may have heard me say it.  Right now we are in the midst of the largest integration I have ever been through in my career.  The announcement of the merger was July 2015, and at that time I just lost my mother to a botched medical procedure and lost my father six month prior to cancer, so my response to the integration was much different than many of my colleagues.  I was still reeling from the loss of both of my parents, so I looked at the merger as a distraction from the internal pain I could not take away.  Losing my parents was a big deal.  The merger of my amazing company with another spectacular company was a small deal in my eyes.  It was fun and exciting, something new, something positive.  I could not bring my parents back, but I could look forward and find my inner strength and make this integration something positive.

Now lets move forward six months later, my diagnosis, cancer.  Another big deal.  One of the biggest deals I have ever had to handle in my life.  Three big deals in a twelve month span. How on earth does a person physically and mentally get through this?  I focus on my many many gifts in life . . . my amazing, loving, strong, caring, hot (cannot forget hot) husband, my two greatest gifts ever in my life - Abbey and Ayden, my supportive friends and family, and believe it or not my career.  

My career is a break from cancer.  It gives me a chance to feel like just a colleague, an employee and a leader again, and do what I love doing - insurance.  I know total dork, but I own it loud and proud.  So our merger closed in January 2016, and unfortunately many of my colleagues are still not as upbeat as me about integration.  Their cancer-free perspective is different from mine.  Luckily for me (not really luckily, but you know what I mean) I have a different outlook.  I look at the integration as a new start, a new bigger and better company, and I get to be part of it.  How cool is that?!  And for those few days I am in the office or working from home, I am BLG the gal who gets shit done (GSD)!

Everyday of our life we interact with human beings, and at anytime they could be going through a big deal, which is what I try to remind my staff and colleagues.  When we are working on a project and we are hitting some minor hurdles, I have to stop and ask my staff "Is this a big deal or small deal?" Sometimes they say "big deal", and I say "No, cancer is a big deal!" I also remind my friends when they have an interaction with a person which appears to be going in a negative direction to ask themself is this a small deal, because they do not if that other person is going through a private big deal at that very moment.  Perspective . . . 

So I have a second lump, once described to me as benign and now with the big C in it.  Today I choose it to be a small deal.  Once we get the next round of test results we will be able to ask again the thoughtful question of a five year old.  All we can do now is hope that it will still seem like a small deal.