J. A. G.

One of the limited memories I have of my birth father is one of his favourite words I heard him use numerous times . . . jag.  If someone wasn't being nice or someone cut him off while driving he would call them a jag.  But he also used this word in the nickname he called me - Jaggy Lynn.  Please don't confuse his nickname for me as a derogatory term.  I know he meant it as a term of endearment.  And people that know me well know I intermingle descriptive words with terms of endearment such as "asshole" (guess that is trait I have picked up from my birth father).  And if you have been fortunate enough to be called an "asshole" by me you know how much I truly love you!

Jaggy Lynn was just one of those things my birth father called me one day and it stuck.  Where did he get it from and why?  I will never know as I never had the opportunity to ask him because he died from lung cancer at the age of 43.  When I think of my birth father's nickname for me and the term "jag" I believe I have had the opportunity to become "Jaggy Lynn" in recent months.  However, to me, I do not see myself in the same loving manner as my birth father did.  Today, I do not like the "Jaggy Lynn" I see in the mirror.

Anyways, making a positive out of a negative (which I try to do as often as I can), a great thing about my life, starting at a very young age, because of the harsh circumstances I grew up in and everything I went through, I never had much time to think about what other people were doing.  I never had time to think about how I felt about their lives - what they had or what they got to experience, because I had to take care of myself and be driven just to get by and survive.  I won't get into too many details, but I grew up below poverty, with a mother that unfortunately could not break the cycle she grew up in.  So as a result, I experienced many traumatic moments in my life, and I learned very quickly if I wanted to survive I could only count on myself. I also determined I had a choice I could either be like the individuals that did awful things to me my entire childhood or I could choose to NOT be like them.  This was MY choice as it was MY life so I chose NOT to be like them.  When you grow up below poverty and you are a young kid that choice takes great energy and time.  Thus the reason I didn't have much time to think about what I didn't have or do versus other people around me.  Also, a majority of the time, the other people around me, couldn't break the cycle either, so there wasn't much to ponder about what they had versus me.

Now, however, for the first time in my life due to cancer and my treatment plan I have this downtime, time to think, time to ponder . . . and mixed into these moments, there are all these new feelings I have never had to deal with before.  These negative feelings continue to rear their nasty head in my brain.  I try to push them out by blogging, working and spending time with my love and my angels.  However, I already have ADHD and the chemo cocktail I am on also keeps me from concentrating, so these thoughts and feelings continue to seep back into the forefront of my mind.

What are these thoughts you ask (come on BLG get to the point)? The first . . . JEALOUSY.  I am jealous of the people around me that have not been dealt the shitty hand I have.  Why do I have to be the one with fucking cancer?  Why didn't I get to go on a Spring Break vacation with my family like many folks around me?  Why can't I have the simple life of others?  I find myself being absolutely jealous of my friends, family and coworkers that have the opportunity to enjoy their time off, going on vacation, spending the day not being sick and just being normal.  I want that so desperately and it makes me sad and JEALOUS.

The second point . . ANGER.  I am angry that I am once again dealt another horrible blow in my already tough journey.  Why do I have to be one with fucking cancer?  Why does my life consist of sleeping, vomiting, going to work, going to the hospital . . . repeat?  I am angry that the doctors continue to pile on more bad news.  Why do I need to work even harder in the office to prove myself capable of doing my job at 75% but it takes 150% of my energy? I have had two years of very trying difficult circumstances thrown at me - moving my family to another country; dealing with very tough work situations; having my father die of cancer; having my mother die of a botched medical procedure; and now cancer.  I am angry that all of these situations have taken away from me giving my career my normal 110% as there has always been one of these distractions in the background.  I am even more ANGRY that my career is the only thing that makes me forget about my cancer as it is so busy and I have this hunger to always strive for more at work, and again, it takes 150% of my energy, which means less time for my amazing husband and beautiful angels.

Lastly, I feel so much GUILT.  I feel so guilty that my career is the only thing that makes me forget about my cancer as it is so busy and I have this hunger to always strive for more at work, and again, it takes 150% of my energy, which means less time for my amazing husband and beautiful angels.  Why do I have to be the one with fucking cancer?  Why can't I find happiness outside of the office?  And when I am in the office or working from home as I have chemo brain and I am not at 100% my staff have to deal with these awful side effects.  I forget things very easily.  I ask them to resend things two or three times over.  My greatest moments of clarity are at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning so I go on an emailing rampage and send out zillions of emails asking for the world.  And most importantly all of these things take away from my rock of a husband, my angels and from me focusing on getting better.

My husband, my Greg, my love of my life, has truly been the rock and the glue that keeps us all together.  He is so selfless and just thinks of me and the angels.  I feel so guilty that he has no time for himself and I feel so guilty I continue to lean on him heavily.  He deserves a break, love, and time for himself.  My angels, Abbey and Ayden, the greatest gifts I will ever ever ever receive in my life.  The cancer and my career continue to take away from these babies.  They deserve the world and every free moment I have.  And on top of it, this cancer makes me angry which turns into a shortness with them.  It makes my heart ache and the feeling of so much guilt.

So with that we come full circle to "Jaggy Lynn".  Cancer has taken away one of the limited happy memories I have of my birth father and turned it into a negative.  I have become "JAGgy Lynn".  I hate it, and I want it to go away.  I hate the jealousy, anger and guilt.  I hate the downtime, which has given my brain time to go in a negative direction.  I yearn for the strength to take my thoughts into a positive direction.  I yearn for the day the doctor gives me the "cancer free" news.  Until then, I will fight through these awful feelings, using the inspirational words and prayers from the amazing support system I have gotten from every person that I have ever connected with.  I will fight the fight for the love of my life and my angels.  And most importantly, I am fucking tough as nails, and I am stronger than this cancer!