Round 1 of new chemo cocktail

So Thursday, May 5th, I received my first dose of my new chemo cocktail.  No more red devil, and doc said this is typically easier on folks than my first set of treatments.  It was a very long day at PMH.  Got to the hospital at 7:00 am to give blood in order to determine if I am healthy enough to have chemo.  After several hours of waiting, my restaurant-like waiting tool starts buzzing and the red lights start flashing - BINGO, time to administer the cocktail.  This round seemed to be a bit more painful going through my veins than the past, but it could be because it takes a bit over five hours to receive.  By the time we got home, it was late and I was tired, which led to an early night.  Friday, I felt falsely amazing!  No pain, no sickness . . . all good.  Got to spend some times with the kids, and even started to think about amending my green (good) and yellow (possibly good) days for work if this is how well I was going to feel.

When I woke up on Saturday I was 75% confident I actually slept through Friday and it was all a dream.  There was no way I could feel as bad as I did Saturday morning compared to Friday, so the only logical explanation was I slept from Thursday to Saturday.  I had aches and shooting pains all over my body - my teeth, head, thighs, knees, fingers, feet, butt, etc.  Any body part you could think of, there was some sort of pain there.  Most were constant dull aches, but then I would get these sharp shooting pains out of no where.  As the day progressed, the aches were replaced with consistent shooting pains.  My body then felt this was not enough side effects for this round of chemo, so vomiting decided to visit for a while.  In addition, my love shared his cold with me.  Since Saturday, I have been barely able to keep it together.  I had a few weak moments where I was ready to have Greg take me to the ER.  But I still thought clear enough to know that waiting in the ER is like going to the dentist to get your teeth pulled without any pain meds or laughing gas. No freaking way was I going to do it.  So as the days have passed, we have adjusted the pain meds and I am taking my anti nausea meds which is helping as well.  Tomorrow I have a video conference with a doc to get some antibiotics for the cold that has turned into a sinus infection.

I do have to say this chemo thing sure is not getting any easier.  I thought it was just the evil drugs piling up in my system and catching up with me, but someone set me straight.  I guess the drugs only last four to five days in my system, but what they do is kill all my cells which leaves me feeling weak and sick.  Exercise he says.  Exercise?!  I can barely get my fingers to work to open a bottle of water.  Oh, and boy oh boy am I a crabby bitch.  I don't even like being around me!  I should be stressed and/or excited as we closed on our home and officially moved in Wednesday, but no excitement or stress here.  All I want to do is sleep and not hurt.

Did I say we just closed on our new home?  Yup, we officially put roots down in Canada.  No more living out of boxes in a rental property.  I am happy, but I just don't feel excited.  I want to feel excited, but excitement requires energy, and my energy level is nonexistent.  Also, I feel like this damn cancer is getting all my attention again.  Not because of the chemo treatment, but I believe because I had my MRI on May 1st, and still don't have the results.  The assistant to my oncology surgeon was off a week, and I should understand that she has more important things to do than schedule an appointment for me with the doctor to discuss my results.  Also, Monday is our second opinion at Cornell.  I am so nervous for what they have to say.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful and very interested in what they have to say.  But I just don't think I can handle anymore tough news.  Hey, looking on the bright side, they have my results to my MRI so they can at least share that with me . . .

Five more weeks, five more weeks, five more weeks of this awful thing they call chemo.  There are days I am adamant I won't survive and want to quit, but I know that is not an option.  I am more than half way done and it is important I look at it as ONLY five more weeks.  Come on, I have been through ten whole weeks already (my math may be off, but you know what I mean)!   I can do this.  I don't know about the exercising bit, but I know I can do this.  I also know I need to give myself a bit of of slack. I have always been a person that expects 110% of myself.  This is like most people - we are typically harder on ourself than other people are on us.  Cancer is teaching me (I am not all the way there yet) that my 50% is okay and acceptable.  Acceptable by others and more importantly acceptable for me.  IfI wake up in the morning and decide to go back to bed an hour later that is quite okay.

So today was better than yesterday, and that's all I can hope for.  This evening I feel good enough to sit at our dining room table and update my blog. That's a really big win this week, and I will take it! I must celebrate, and celebrate I will . . . with a nice chilled glass of white wine on this spring evening.  I hope you are all celebrating your wins defined by you and only you.   It's your life and only you get to define and determine. Oh, another side effect is extremely crazy hot flashes - why do I just throw this out in the middle of my celebration comments you ask?  Because I thought of another win defined by me of course.  We have had movers and a couple contractors in the home, and my crazy hot flashes come out of no where.  Typically I would just suck it up and sweat.  By the end of this week, I just pull my hat off and let my beautiful bald head breath.  Are these strangers uncomfortable?  Probably, but I feel better and I am comfortable.  Another reason to celebrate.  Cheers (toast with the clink of my wine glass to you)!

Thanks to each and every one of you for reading my blog and allowing me to celebrate my tiny victories with you.  It sure puts things in perspective - these small victories seem huge and the awful week I have had is done and all over.  And I survived!  I hope you all had multiple small victories that have been worth celebrating. XOXO, BLG