Why has this been so difficult?
July 29, 2016 I was given the best news I could ask for. No more cancer - complete remission. All should be good. I should feel like a million bucks. I should be jumping up and down. So why is this not the case? Why don't I feel so great - physically or mentally? My last chemo treatment was June 16th, and my bilateral mastectomy was July 13th. Today is August 9th! I understand that Dr. Amir, my oncologist, explained the four weeks after my last chemo treatment would be awful. It's been longer than four weeks. It's been almost a month since my mastectomy. These thoughts have continuously been spinning around my little brain for the last few weeks.
So the physical portion . . . For the first month after chemo I have been dealing with my horrible side effects - pinball nerve pain throughout my body; joint and muscle pain in my legs and feet; swollen ankles and feet; and neurophathy in my feet. Due to the pain I have been mixing a pain medicine cocktail of percocets and some type of nerve pain pill. Then we go into the bilateral mastectomy. Well, the percocets were not strong enough to manage the pain of the surgery so the doc prescribed deliaudid. Did you know when feel like the pain is manageable you just cannot quit the pain meds cold turkey? I had no clue. Well, my body let me knew very quickly that this is not allowed. I have been dealing with withdrawals from the narcotics. All this, and I am so happy to report the past few days, physically I have been feeling great! I think I am finally complete with the worst of the chemo side effects and no more withdrawals from my pain meds.
Mentally, mentally I should feel great, right? I am cancer free. All should be amazing. But yet this has been the most difficult part to deal with. I have been reeling through feelings of confusion, a sense of lost identity and a significant amount of guilt. When I was given the news of having cancer it was one of the most difficult messages I have received in life. As I have said before, it's tough to believe you have cancer when physically you feel great. For the first few months after I was diagnosed it took every part of me to wrap my head around the idea of having cancer. Once I faced reality, my mindset had to completely change. I needed to be in a clear mental state in order to go in strong and fight the battle. From that point through almost today I have been in a warrior state fighting the fight. So when I received the positive news on the 29th, but physically I was still feeling like a person with cancer I mentally could not wrap my brain around the news I just received. I was still feeling the physical pain which mentally placed me in the fighting mode. Up to these most recent days this has mentally messed with my mind.
Then there has been this sense of a lost identity. I have been Cancer Bobbie since the beginning of December. Cancer Bobbie . . . the inspiration, the fighter, the warrior. I am no longer Cancer Bobbie. I don't feel like the old Bobbie prior to having cancer. So who am I? I am absolutely confident I am a different person since being diagnosed. I cannot be Cancer Bobbie and I am not the Bobbie prior to cancer. So for the past few weeks I have been struggling with my personal identity. Just recently I have realized I should not be stressed or upset about this. This is a gift. An opportunity. I am a different person. No doubt about it. This is my chance to refocus and spend the next 16,000 days (or until the next life altering event occurs) being the Bobbie I want to be. I have no freaking clue exactly who that is just yet. But I do know I will not waste this opportunity to become a better person.
Oh, now we get to the awful most difficult feeling . . . guilt. Typically I shoot these posts out in a couple hours. This post has taken me almost a week to write just because of this. The guilt. As I continuously said throughout my cancer journey, I am not trying to downplay breast cancer, but my odds for beating this type of cancer were high. I am fortunate to be only dealing with breast cancer. I know many people in my past that were not as fortunate as me. I have met several individuals during my journey that have had a much more difficult road than me. And I also know people, great great people, that are struggling through such awful times. I don't understand how life can be so unfair - how really good people get dealt such an awful hand. Why did I get a second chance? Please, don't get me wrong. I am not saying I am not a good person. But it's just so difficult to feel good about my positive news when other people I know have received the worst news of their life. Why? Why? This guilt is strong and difficult to brush away. I am trying my damnedest but it's just hard. Everyday I work to balance these feelings of guilt. I can only hope and pray tomorrow will be better than today . . .
Comments (4)
My Mom had some words of wisdom when I expressed exactly the same guilt and for the same reasons “you don't have to suffer as badly to win, that's not the rules. In fact, you have no control over the hand dealt you, only how's you play the cards dealt, your Play it forward” . You have and will so it's even. It's not written in the verses you have to suffer worse than anyone else, and you suffered plenty. It's only written that you be Kind and play it forward, and you already have. As Greg pointed out, you had plenty of good deeds already banked, the Universe owed you this one, and you are still paying for it. No doubt there are others too , that in looking at looking at your experience, feel guilty theirs was better. Play it forward and heal, you've earned it. The mere fact you are sensitive to the issue says plenty! F
Bobbie, mother, wife, sister, cousin, aunt, sister in law, daughter in law, friend, employee, life celebrant, I agree that as your life has grown so have you. Staying the same is not an option for any of us. Watching someone's growth can feel challenging as one is powerless to take the blows for them. A good friend once told me in life we are either going into a storm, in a storm or coming out of a storm. You should take as much time as much time as you need to figure out when, where and how to grow next. Enjoy your children, your husband and this embryonic phase. Love you Bobbie xoxo 😘💖
What you are feeling now sounds just like a soldier that has deployed. You were put into the battlefield and you were fighting for your life. You made it back and while others even friends did not make it home, you're wondering why you were one of the ones to make it back. I am soooooo happy that you beat this thing. You are home and you are safe and you did what you had to do to be where you are right now. I am so proud of you and I can't wait to meet you!!!!!!!!
Like you, I am living life after a cancer adventure. The words you have expressed about your experience at this pivotal point in your life resonates with my memory of that time. What I can share is that as every day passes, you will be introduced to the 'new' life you are meant to lead. Like you, I felt extremely guilty for having only breast cancer, while others I met and admire still had to endure so much more. In truth, everyone had adversity in their lives, and the courage to face that adversity head on is so important. I chose to focus on each adversity as it arose and let it teach me something. What I found was that the cancer experience gave me a new sense - a 'seventh sense' if you will, for making decisions and choices that I would only casually acknowledge in my before-cancer self. I am fulfilled because of it. And, I learned that I now am able to say to the words that someone in pain needs to build hope with and go on. Bobbie, this time too will pass, but leave a remarkable impression.