I wasn't ready to leave the battlefield

Yesterday morning I was on my bike taking a nice long therapeutic ride listening to my great cancer fight playlist.  The entire time I kept thinking about my friends that either had cancer and beat it or that are still fighting the fight.  I know without a doubt I could have never gotten through my battle without the encouraging words and support these people provided me.  Of course there were many more fantastic friends and family that provided me lots of support . . . but there is just something about the words of someone that has or is going through exactly what you are.  Doesn't have to be cancer, you know?  It also doesn't have to be the exact same fight or journey, because as I learned no two cancer journeys are alike.  But when you are fighting for your life, there is something so powerful about knowing you are not alone. 

So for the first ten miles my mind continued to wander back and forth from I am so grateful for these amazing selfless fighters to thinking specifically about a few of them that are truly fighting for their life at this very moment as I am enjoying this cancer free moment in time.  Certain songs in my playlist were provided to me by some of these people not as fortunate as me, so of course when these songs start playing my brain automatically turns to them.  As I peddle faster and faster the tears flow down my face.  My heart just hurts, but no matter how fast I peddle these feelings won't soften.

(Before I go any further . . . When I write these posts I never know what direction they are going to go or what is going to go from head to the keyboard.  I am not looking for sympathy or words of encouragement right now.  I am not looking for people to help me fight through my guilt.  I share because this shit is real.)

During my ride yesterday morning my phone rang, and I elected to answer it as I was waiting for a phone call from my doctor's office.  As I went to answer my phone a name was on my screen which immediately put me into a cold sweat.  I answered the phone and my worst fear became a reality.  As my girlfriend was sharing the news the tears just flowed uncontrollably.  An amazing human being and someone I was fortunate enough to call my friend just lost their battle.  One of the few people that I kept thinking about as I rode my bike that day is no longer with us.  After I hung up the phone I continued to ride my bike.  I was not ready to go home.  I wanted to ride until the pain in my body overpowered the pain in my heart.  I peddled until my legs were numb, but the pain in my heart was still heavy.

This news of course hit me very hard.  My phone rang a few more times yesterday, but I didn't have the emotional strength to answer my phone as I knew the news they were going to share with me.  I just could not stop feeling so guilty.  I continued (and continue) to think about this persons family.  How unfair life can be.  How fucking awful cancer is.  How I wish I could trade spots.  Why does life have to be so short for the good ones?  During the day I could not bare to get on social media or communicate with many people.  My pain was too raw.  I did not want to continue reliving the news I received in the morning.  

So this morning I awake and feel strong enough to respond to my friends from yesterday and get on to Facebook knowing I may see the face of my friend that passed away yesterday.  As I am going through the newsfeed on Facebook, my tears start flowing again. I am in complete shock and my heart just breaks.  The raw feelings of yesterday are back.  This cannot be happening.  There is no way!  Really?  How can life be so cruel?  Not another one!  Oh yes another one of my brave amazing friends I thought of on my bike ride yesterday is . . . gone.  They provided me so much amazing support and encouragement through my journey as they fought for their life, and now they are gone.  Another amazing person lost their life to this most awful disease.  Guilt once again rushes through my mind.  Why oh why did I have to receive my cancer-free news before they left.  We were in the battle together.  Why couldn't I still be on their team, feeling their feelings, making sure they didn't feel alone, that they were not the only ones fighting?

Today as I type my mind keeps going back to the day I got the news I was in complete remission.  As I was listening to the words coming out of the doctor's mouth, all I kept thinking about was my friends, my dear friends that still are dealing with this awful fucking selfish disease of cancer.  How come I received such great news and they are still fighting for their life?  How can we be in the 21st century with all this technology, money and research and still be dealing with such an awful disease?  Even more terrible, how can cancer feel so common?  Common, how messed up is that?  Cancer is common to most people.  Most of us have been affected by this disease - us personally or someone close to us we love.  I was receiving the best news I could ask for, and yet this is where my mind was.

When you are actually going through the cancer battle with others that are fighting as well, you tend to lean on each other in a way others cannot provide to you.  It's this crazy weird connection.  I want to believe that as I was dealing with my war I was providing them as much support as they provided me.  I think this is the most difficult part for me.  That day in July when I received the news I was cancer free, I was not ready to share with the world, but mainly with my friends that were still fighting.  I was no longer on their team.  We were not in this together.  I was not ready to leave them in the fight without me.  This is why I just wish my news of being cancer free would have come today or next week.  Just so these most amazing great fighters would not feel they were alone.  That we were still in it together.  We were a team in the battle together.

This post has been on my mind long before today.  Of course I could have never guessed the events of yesterday would have transpired that way.  As I was going down a positive path to beating cancer, and these friends continued to fight while receiving awful news about their disease, I had all these same feelings, but I mentally was not ready to face them.  I was not ready to leave my friends on the battlefield alone.  I needed them as much as they needed me.  I guess today is the day as my heart just aches I need to get these feelings out . . .