What's a girl gotta do to get a damn fork in this place?

I really truly want to write a positive upbeat journal entry since my last few have been very tough and raw.  My only issue is I don't get to much work with; however, I am going to do my best to make this as upbeat as possible.

So the past few weeks I have been feeling off physically.  I kept thinking it was mental because of the emotional issues I have been dealing with not having cancer, survivors guilt and losing two dear friends to cancer. So while I was vomiting, sleeping excessively and dealing with continuous pain, I just pushed it off.  We also had some friends coming in from the States to visit, so I definitely thought that would get me out of this funk I was feeling.  Nope, I slept and laid on the couch most of the time they visited.  I felt awful but couldn't get it together.  Greg started noticing my right breast getting increasingly large and red.  He thought infection so my girlfriend visiting was kind enough to take me to the walk in clinic.  The doc agreed with Greg, gave me some antibiotics and told me to get downtown to my surgeon if there was no improvement.  I also called the breast nurse downtown and she agreed.  That was Saturday.  My friends left Sunday morning (sorry guys - I promised to make it up to you next time you visit.)  Sunday and Monday we saw sure signs of improvement, so we thought all was good.  Greg examined my breast again on Tuesday morning (you know he could be a doctor on TV - he has learned a lot from webMD).  This time he was not so sure it was getting better so I called my breast nurse again, and she had me take some photos and send to her (don't worry I will spare you all the gruesome details).  I decided to hop in the shower and actually make my way downtown on the Go train so Greg wouldn't have to drag the kids with us to the hospital.  I get out of the shower and all of a sudden it was like someone turned a drain on my breast (lots of drainage - no details again).  Greg then stated this was way above his pay grade and to call the nurse back.  Yes, he was correct, we needed to go downtown to the ER at Toronto General and let my nurse know when we arrived.  Four hours later, several hospital gowns, towels, and burn wraps later they admitted me into the hospital.

Bottom line I got an MRSA infection, or otherwise known as a staph infection, in my right breast.  I guess from all these hospital and doctors visits I tested positive for MRSA, which is no big deal unless you have a wound.  The deal with this type of infection is that most types of antibiotics don't work, so you end up having to get an IV type antibiotic.  Since Tuesday they have been pumping me with meds, and on Wednesday morning I went in for emergency surgery to remove my tissue expander and all the infection.  The doctor put another tissue expander in, and since Wednesday I have continued antibiotics with the goal of fighting the infection, keeping the tissue expander in and me going home.  The doc also found an oral antibiotic that should work against the infection strain I have so we started the new antibiotics this morning.  So far so good.

Now that you know what I have been up to these past few days, I can start getting into the deep stuff.  At 3:00pm today I paged my nurse.  She of course did not want to put on a gown or gloves to come in (I am highly contagious I guess) so she stood at the door.  I asked her politely for a fork, and she asked why.  I told her I wanted to eat the salad my husband brought me.  She said no they don't have those here. She then proceeded to let me know she was going on lunch, and will I be fine until she comes back.  I said yes and she shut my door.  At that very moment I could feel a rush of emotion flow through my body, my face got flush and tears started welling up in my eyes.  Then I said out loud to myself "WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE BOBBIE.  ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO CRY OVER A DAMN FORK?! NO!!"  Then I started laughing out loud.  (That's me above taking a picture after I couldn't get my damn fork.)

I knew right then and there I was going to turn to my keyboard for some solitude.  In order to get through the rest of my stay here in this lovely place, I want to be able to vent about the difficult things during my stay, but will follow up with a positive.  This way I won't feel ungrateful or like this is just a bitch fest.

Okay . . . Go

Gripe #1)  When we first got to the ER, they left me in the main triage waiting room with MRSA (contagious).  By the time I finally got in I had lost the battle to the ooze.  It had taken my bath towel and all my clothes.  I was just left with two hospital gowns sitting in the entry of the ER with a bunch of sick people.  THE POSITIVE - I was much cooler during my hot flashes in the hospital gown!

Gripe #2)  I had breakfast Tuesday morning.  That was the last time I could eat or drink as my doc was hoping to get me in for surgery that evening.  I could not also have a sleeping pill due to possible surgery.  Unfortunately I did not get in for surgery until Wednesday morning and only had two hours of sleep.  THE POSITIVE - I got bumped for a lung transplant. How freaking amazing is that!!  I also had to have lost at least two pounds, right?  That's a long time without food or water.

Gripe #3)  MRSA is contagious so I am quarantined and treated like a leper.  Anyone that comes in my room must wear a gown and gloves.  I cannot leave the room.  The second pic above is the view I get everyday.  In the beginning the nurse would come in and introduce themselves, change the date on the board, and write their name down.  Now they just open the door, yell in and leave.  Sometimes they will underhand toss my pills to me ;)  THE POSITIVE - I get a single room.  No roommate!!  Anyone that has had an extended stay in the hospital understands how bigly (Trump hee hee) this is!  My own bathroom too!  Not that I have been able to use it (more than you need to know).

Gripe #4) So for all you folks in the US, you are going to think this is the craziest thing, but in my hospital room there is no tv or phone.  If I want a phone or tv I must rent.  There is a sheet on the wall that shows a nice flat screen tv for rent.  So I proceed to let the nurse know I want to rent the tv. See the photo above with the pic of the nice tv?  The nurse starts pulling down this grey rectangular box which I am assuming is some type of monitor.  Nope.  If you are thinking that's the tv, you are right.  See the pic above.  Yup that little box is the tv.  THE POSITIVE - Once I found out I was on an extended stay my Love brought me my cord for my iPhone and my macbook air.  So I am all set, and I am saving on rental costs.  The most amazing thing, when I leave this place I will not be handed a bill or mailed one.  The total cost of my stay since Tuesday will be $0!  $0! Yup, that's how public health insurance works when implemented correctly.  It's pretty amazing.

Gripe #5) So remember when I said everyone needs to suit up to enter the Goldie chamber of germs?  Well that doesn't apply to the food delivery people.  They are not required to enter at all.  So for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I wait around long enough to build up like three requests for the nurses so I don't bother them too much.  My request typically includes, pain medication, ice water, and something to eat.  Between half and hour to an hour bamb - all three show up.  THE POSITIVE - as expected, it's hospital food - bland, gross, cold, just yuck.  So Greg has been bringing me food everyday.  Nice yummy healthy food.  In the morning I get up before the breakfast delivery comes, open my door wide and watch out for the little girl to come through.  Then just like that hot coffee!  Drop the mike - exit left!

 Gripe #6) With this MRSA I am quarantined to my room.  I have been in this tiny little room since Tuesday.  Tuesday.  This small little box.  Do they know I have ADHD?!  You cannot do this to someone with ADHD.  My room has 66 tiles on the ceiling.  I have two hand sanitizers on the wall.  I have watched the red second hand swing around my wall clock over and over.  Do you know I can tell the difference in the drip noise from antibiotic IV versus my fluid IV?  Greg and I watched one woman do belly dancing all alone in the lobby, while another woman did some type of sword martial arts exercise by herself.  My window looks out to some sort of lobby.  THE POSITIVE - I got to leave my room today!!!  I was given permission to walk around my floor.  It was amazing and spectacular.  I was able to look around in other rooms and at other patients.  They are all like me with actual medical injuries.  I am not in the loony bin!!  I was starting to get worried there for a bit.

Gripe #7) The hardest one to deal with.  My babes cannot be near me due to the MRSA.  Totally sucks.  Every morning Greg gets the kids ready, drives in traffic and drops them off at PMH daycare.  Once he is done spending the day with me, he goes across the street, picks them up, drives in traffic and takes my babes home.  I cannot touch them, hug them or hold them tight to let them know mommy is going to be okay.  Breaks my heart.  THE POSITIVE - the babes absolutely love the Magic Castle at PMH.  They take such good care of them!  I know this is hard for all of us, but I know there is an end.  I also remind myself while I sit here alone counting tiles, that I have spent lots and lots of quality time with my angel while I have been sick.  I am grateful for this time.  Soon they will get to see their mommy healthy.  I will no longer be cancer mommy or sick mommy.

Okay, okay, it's now 6:00pm.  Remember I need a damn fork!  I need to stop for now, open my door wide and get ready to pounce on the delivery person so I can get my meal to get the fork.  Then I will be able to eat my delicious salad my hubby brought me, listen to some Lumineers, and count my blessings.  I am so freaking fortunate. I am the luckiest girl in the world.  Greg Christopher Goldie, my knight in shining armour,  you have once again showed me unconditional love.  This has been another tough trying week on our family, but you have kept us all together.  You even dealt with the ooze!  I love you so much it hurts.  I love you.  See you tomorrow morning babe - fingers crossed they let me go home :)