Boobies do not Define Bobbie

Woot woot woot - I had to go to the hospital today and they let me go home!!  Seems strange to start out with a journal entry with this statement; however, as I mentioned in my last blog, I have been dealing with this persistent staph infection.  I will again spare you the gory details, but long story short, my body is rejecting the tissue expander in my right breast due to the infection.  The past two days things seemed to be going in the wrong direction so I called the cancer nurses.  The message was to come in and bring an overnight bag, just in case.  Ha, isn't that a doozy, the cancer was in my left breast, but my right breast is the one not being cooperative!  I guess that is how it goes sometimes.  

The verdict - we need to take the tissue expander out as my body won't accept it with this infection.  And we need to get rid of the infection.  My question to the doc was when will we be able to complete the skin graph and put an implant in.  Doc's response - if all goes well, sometime next year.  My response - really, you expect me to get on with life with one breast?!  The doctor cannot guarantee that they will be able to actually complete the reconstruction or how it will actually look.  For me, that was all I needed to hear.

The plan now is for me to go in Friday morning for another surgery.  They will remove both tissue expanders and close me back up.  No expanders.  No implants.  I will also get the results back from my culture for my infection.  I should also be able to go home same day with a weeks worth of antibiotics.  The doc believes that once the expander is out of my body, I will heal much quicker and get rid of the MRSA.

As I was going home on the train I had about an hour to reflect on my decision alone in piece and quiet. I don't know if I am making more out of it that needs to be or if I am even making the right decision.  I just know that I am exhausted and tired of being sick.  I cannot even remember the last time I felt like a normal human being.  This has been a long tough road.

I have been told that I can be very decisive.  I never really noticed it about me until I continuously heard it from folks at work.  As I looked back at past decisions in the office, I began to agree with this description of me.  At my current place of employment, we move at light speed.  During my time at this company we have grown to be the largest publicly traded property and casualty insurance company in the world.  In order to be biggest, and of course one of the best, I might add . . . we need to be flexible and nimble.  We need to be leaders not followers.  Our goal is to be on offense and not on defense.  Those things require decisiveness.  

So today when I made this decision to become breastless (hmmm is that even a word?), I made it within a matter of minutes.  I went to the hospital today not having a clue that I would be expected to make this decision.  Greg and I didn't even talk about it as he drove me to my appointment.  I thought I would be getting set up for new antibiotics and another possible hospital stay.  However, it was a decision that needed to be made at that moment.  Greg wasn't even with me to discuss.  I was just in the room with the doc and we were completing the paperwork for the surgery Friday morning.

This leads me back to my time on the train pondering the decision I made in that doctor's office.  As I was sitting alone on the train, part of me just wanted to break down and cry.  I was (and still am) feeling a mix of emotions.  I have and still continue to believe these are just breasts and do not define me.  However, breasts make me a woman.  I understand they are not the only thing that make me a woman, but they are one part.  And, I already could not get pregnant and have my own children - the single most important thing a woman has been put on this earth to do - make babies. So now I think I cannot make babies and I have no breasts.  Why is life slowly stripping away the things that make me feel like a woman?  How do I go forward and mentally feel like a complete woman?

You may be wondering why are you talking out of both sides of your mouth Bobbie?  You made a very decisive decision to go forward with no breasts but yet you are talking about how are you going to go on and feel like a woman with no breasts.  You made the decision Bobbie!  Yes, you are correct, I made the decision and as I sat on the train and got through my pitty party, I continued to feel comfortable with my decision.  Yes, I am losing a body part, which is strange and tough in itself, but these breasts do not define me.  I am sure certain blouses or dresses would look better on me.  It would have been cool to have perky breasts and not wear a bra.  But outside of that there are not too many other things I will be missing out on.

For instance, I don't have an attachment to them as I didn't breast feed since we adopted both of our children.  I am fortunate enough to be happily married so I do not have to deal with the dating circuit.  I do not have to spend $50 to $100 on each and every bra.  Also, some of my friends that have went through breast cancer have shared with me that when you go through a bilateral mastectomy and get all your breast tissue and muscle removed, the implants are very hard and cold.  Nope . . . Bobbie doesn't have to worry about hard cold ice cubes on her chest during the Canadian winters.

I could go on and on, but the one thing I am most comfortable with is that everyday when I get dressed and look in the mirror, I will see my journey.  I am going to own my battle scars.  Bobbie - winner!  Cancer - loser!  This choice will provide me with a visual reminder to continue to grow from this life altering event, and most importantly . . . it will let me not forget that life is so so delicate and way too short.  So if you have not done so already, please tell someone you love them even if you know they already know :)