Thu, 5/28/15 No chemo!
Hello Fabulous Friends and Family,
So…here’s how the last chemo (#7) week (May 11-16) went:
It was NASTY!
The downward slide started Monday evening and I was BLECH for rest of the week. It didn’t “turn” until Saturday afternoon (such a relief when it finally does.) It was nausea and exhaustion. The kind of exhaustion where you aren’t’ really tired you just can’t do anything. I couldn’t even sit up for very long. My head just wanted to fall over on the table…like this picture above of my daughter, Rylee, in utero. (No I’m not pregnant. Did I scare you??? I did have a dream about being pregnant. I woke up wanting to have another baby. Then it passed…quickly, to Scott’s relief. Doesn’t matter. There’s no more babies coming out of this bus.) Anyway, the picture represents what I felt like. I couldn’t hold my head up. It just wanted to flop over. Five days of this is not fun. And the problem is, I can’t just go to bed and sleep it off. It leaves you in that, “I can’t keep my eyes open to watch videos but I can’t fall into a complete sleep.” So you lay in bed with your eyes close and try to listen to music and talks. But mostly you just lay there and think. And what do you think of? Every horrible thing you ever did and how embarrassing it was and still is. Unfortunately, that means I have A LOT to think about.
Last week (May 17-23) I was back at it, though. I lost a week of my life and so I tried to make up for what didn’t get done and complete what needed to be done for following week. Dylani’s 16th birthday was that week. It reminded me of a day back in February when I was lamenting that I wouldn’t be here to enjoy it. (Told you. Too much thinking.) Thankfully, God is very merciful.
Then there’s this past Tuesday (May 26), which was supposed to be Chemo #8. But they sent me home. Yep! My white blood cell counts weren’t high enough. My body needs another week to recover. It was crushing to be sent home. I pleaded with them to let me do it anyway. My doctor said, “no.” It was such a hard walk up to that day because of the rough chemo last time, but I was ready (or so I thought). Then I couldn’t do it. Bummed me out. But, I have to admit my doctor was right. (Hate it when that happens!) Today I’m glad I didn’t have to do it. I didn’t realize how tired my body was. It’s nice to have a break. I can go put in my garden and go see the girls’ soccer games and pretend that all is “normal”. (Plus, no jazz hands or severely cold throat or 5 spoonfuls of Nutella (only 2 now—progress!). Plus, I get to shower every day this week. (Silent cheer from my family). And maybe, just maybe, I can get to the pile of cards and gifts and texts and emails for which I have to still thank all of you. Sorry for the long delay. I was tired of my head hitting the keyboard so I just stayed off the computer.
Oh yeah…another good thing. My tumor marker numbers are still dropping: Down now to 27.3. Yay! God is very merciful! After the next chemo (June 1st), I get another CT scan to see physically if/how much the tumors are shrinking. Can’t wait.
Ok, enough about me. I wanted to mention how wonderful all of you Caregivers are. My poor husband, Scott; my daughters; my Mom. They’re A. MAZ. ING!!! And if you are a Caregiver, I am so sorry for you. You know what it feels like to not be able to do anything to help. And EVERYTHING you do is WRONG…even when it really is right. Us sickies can be very crabby. Please forgive us. When I’m in the worst of the chemo side-effects, there’s NOTHING anyone can do to help. Really. NOTHING! And if you do try to help, it’ll be WRONG. Just because. Even if it is the right thing and is needed and done the right way, it won’t be right (must I mention the proper loading of the dishwasher…again!!!). My advice: Just walk away. You won’t win. Crabbiness always wins. Caregivers don’t get all the flowers and cards and gifts and the calls and the “hang in there” and the love. They just get to feel under-appreciated and tired. They just have to be there to fill in where the one they’re caring for can’t. If you have a Caregiver or know one, give them a hug. Well, ask first, because personal space is a big deal and you might get punched. At least, tell them that they matter. They’re very much appreciated and loved—just not during the crabbiness!
So thank you all again for your encouragement and prayers. They really help! You’re an amazing group and I feel so privileged to have you as friends. I’m having a great week! I guess my body really did need the rest. I think my mind needed it even more so.
Cheers to a fabulous end of the week and weekend and numerous spoonfuls of Nutella!
Comments (16)
Sarah, You are an inspiration. Your humor, love, and insights are wonderful! Its been a tough road but you are doing a remarkable job (as usual). Rick and Debbie
Sarah -- thank you for your comments on the Caregiver as I find myself there right now. I laughed out loud with your "give them a hug. Well, ask first, because personal space is a big deal and you might get punched." comment. That was awesome. I apply the "just walk away" method from time to time and it works! And yes, you did scare me with that ultrasound! You're a tough cookie. -joette
The numbers alone are very encouraging news. Reading your journal entry even more so. You must have passed the worst of it when I saw you Saturday evening. I know what you mean about all the friends who care. I described it as the unpayable debt. Now Kit and I have entered the stage where we are both caregivers for each other. Who gets to be the crabby one? Still praying for you.
Sarah, you are an inspiration! I can't imagine what you're going through, yet you have a positive outlook! We continue to pray for you and your family!!
Sweetie I am so sorry you had such a tough week.What a gentle reminder for all of us to be praying for the caregivers as well as the person that we are sending prayers for complete healing.One of the fruits of the Spirit is joy and God has blessed you with joy.Remember you're not in this alone.
Sarah, thank you for being your authentic self! We are so inspired by your progress, your humor, your trust in God and friends and family so you can be honest in sharing your struggles with us. We are praying for strength for your family as they struggle to support you through this trial. We continue to pray for strength, courage and healing for you as you walk through this cancer! Much love to you guys from the Lindholm family!
What a family and wonderful example for all of us. Keep up the grand fight and together you all will make it and thanks for the update I know that it is very hard at times but the updates are great for all of us to support all of you from afar. Keep on keeping on! Godspeed!
My Sarah-- your openness and sweet fragility moves me. I am appreciating seeing yet another side of you. So glad you get a break this week. Your body has been working so hard. I can hardly wait to see you. 13 days!!!
So thankful that the tumor markers continue to drop - the chemo is working hard to bust those cancer cells and you've come such a long way. We continue to lift you up in prayers for healing and for the strength to push through these difficult days. Love you. xo
Thank YOU, Sarah, for taking the time to keep us updated! I've been thinking of you!!! Keep up the good work, girl! You can do it! Just a little more to go, WooHoo!! Love ya, Darla :)
I'm so sorry Sarah that you have had such a BLECH time!! But Yay! your tumor markers are down! The baby looks cute. HA. A++ for your wonderful caregivers!! That is a hard job. I wanted to write and tell you what a wonderful job your daughters did singing along with the St. Paul Choir here in Eau Claire. We really appreciated their wonderful, inspiring singing! Thank you to them. Hang in there Sarah!!! We are still praying!! Hugs to you and your wonderful caregivers!
I appreciated your honesty in your note. I understand and can relate to what it is like to not be able to sleep and all one can do is think about, "If only I would have...." You're on the right track. TCR
Hi Sarah! Very insightful to point out the efforts of caregivers, whose reward is absent in this age. But we know when the reward comes, and who will give it. Luke 14:12-14. You are still the only one I know that can distinguish between male and female asparagus. See you in a couple of days!
Sarah, Thank you for the update, your humor and honesty. So happy to know the tumor marker continues to trend downward😊. Happy knowing you were there for Dylani's birthday! Thank you for appreciating caregivers. On that note, most caregivers labor for a greater purpose and crabbiness is understood. Continuing in love and prayers for you and your family.
Sarah Thank you for just being you and showing the power of"feeling what you feel". Being true to the moment and honest in the experience Is more inspirational that trying to always keep the brave face. We know you are being brave and pray for the moments when just holding your head up and keeping your eyes open is the feat of the day. Praying for you and those great care givers. I'm kidding them up from my knees this morning. Jeff, Karen and crew
Hi Sarah! Thanks so much for the informative update. We sure love your ever-present sense of humor!! Yay!! your tumor markers are still dropping, so you definitely deserve a bit of time-off from chemo!! Hope you are enjoying the "break," and we know you are gearing up for the next round. :-) Sending love & hugs, and enjoying a tablespoon of Nutella in your honor! :-) Thanks so much for your kind thoughts & comments concerning caregivers. Most of us find ourselves in that role without nearly as much advance thought and/or prep as we'd like, and sure need/appreciate all the prayers we can get to help us do a better job!! I hate to admit the number of times I exhibited way more than my share of crabbiness when it was the last thing John needed. Thankfully, he's always forgiven me!! (<3), and I've gotten chances to learn & do better! One thing about Caregivers: We will all likely be one, and we will all likely need one at some point (or more!) in our lives!! We're definitely all in this together!! :-) You & your entire wonderful family remain in our daily thoughts & prayers! :-) <3