How Not to Say the Wrong Thing
When I first found out about Shannon's brain tumor, I was shocked and scared. Finding out that one of my oldest and dearest friends is sick was quite unsettling. I am eternally grateful to my/our other best friend, Jane, and my husband, Buddy, for the conversations we've had to allow me (and all of us) to process through the many emotions surrounding Shannon's diagnosis and treatment.
Early on in the journey, during a visit with Shannon, she mentioned how one or two folks had inadvertently said or done something that just felt wrong or insensitive. We all joked about how getting GBM gives her a pass to be the center of everyone's attention for AT LEAST a few months (she says for six months after her treatment ends, I'm thinking more like two or three, max!). During that conversation Buddy actually drew a chart, with Shannon in the middle, and explained a set of circles around Shannon and described who is allowed to complain to whom and in which direction the levels of support are supposed to flow. We all cracked up laughing during the conversation, but at the same time we've repeatedly referred back to Buddy's "circles of support" when various issues have arisen.
It turns out that Buddy was not the first person to theorize these rings of support! The link below is to an excellent article that explains this idea. Although not the same circumstances as Shannon, I, too, have experienced personal trauma and had people say some pretty insensitive things to me while I was "in the middle of the circle." Perhaps this article can help each of us as we take turns in the various rings...
How Not to Say the Wrong Thing
Comments (7)
I really like the article. Thanks for posting. A good reminder for all of us!
Kimberly -- How true - love the ring theory!! Having experienced trauma myself, I was amazed at the number of selfish 'friends' who offered advice, or told me their own tales of woe. SERIOUSLY? You just can't fix 'stupid'. BTW - they are no longer my friends, or, they are definitely in the largest, absolutely last ring of my circle. Shannon - it is all about you my friend! And if anyone doesn't realize that, send 'em to me; we have ways of handling people like that, in Texas ;-). Bless their hearts . . .
Excellent advice!!
Great information! Thanks for sharing!
Very good article. I read it on Facebook when Buddy posted it. Thank you for the reminder. I really think most people don't mean harm when they say something hurtful or inappropriate. At least they are addressing "the big elephant in the room", which many people will ignore or run the other way when they see you so they don't have to address it. Really, no one is good at this. Most people react the way they do out of love, inappropriate or not. But, we can all learn & gain some food for thought. Thanks my beautiful daughter.
Keep truckin Shannon.
I'm glad someone else is posting on the blog besides me these days. Thanks, Kim! :) It is weird that we had the conversation and then this article popped up in a couple of places. I love all of my friends and family and the vast majority of people have not said or done anything that wasn't 100% supportive. Also, even when someone says something a little off, I know that they are trying in their way to be supportive. I think the big message is that we should all remember that when someone is in the center circle, all of their energy may need to stay within the circle.