Finding My Way in the New Normal

"Sometimes the transition from being in control of your life to having absolutely no control is swift, but other times it is so gradual that you wonder exactly when it truly began." Mickey Rooney

So much has been going on since we returned from Houston, most of which has involved the continuing transition to my new situation. Our late night drive from Houston set me back a good 2-3 days last week. As someone who could push myself to do almost anything, acceptance of my limits has probably been the most difficult part. My personal nanny is back in town Thursday, so maybe I will feel better when I'm thinking of it as a luxury to have someone doing all the heavy lifting for me. After all, people with personal assistants are very important. Having her to do things for me means I can exercise, work, and nap while she does other important things that must be done. Just refer to me as Melania Trump.

Speaking of exercise and napping, I found an article discussing factors for keeping blood glucose low. My numbers have been creeping up lately despite very low carb intake so I've been trying to figure out why. The article states that sufficient sleep, low stress, and daily exercise are crucial. Even while eating low or no carbs, the liver can produce glucose, which is probably the mechanism by which my numbers have been crawling up. I now have exactly what I need to justify all kinds of things to Jason. "No, I'm sorry. I have to go to sleep at 8 PM to lower my glucose." "Oh, you want to argue about that? I have to keep my stress low. You should just give me what I want." "I can't do dishes after dinner because I have to get my daily exercise in. You know, to lower my glucose." Maybe I can also work in some extras like a new mattress, additional exercise equipment for the home gym, some remodeling (because, you know, the parts of the house that aren't remodeled are stressing me out), a little retail therapy once per week. There are no limits!

Once again this week I've learned that I should not schedule anything before at least 11 AM. On a normal day I get up, I check my glucose. Then I check my ketones. Then I have my morning high fat nuts and high fat coffee followed by the necessary time to digest to avoid throwing up. Eventually I am able to get showered and get on with my day. On a non-normal day (for example, after driving all night on a trip back from Houston) I may not make it out of the house. I'm learning that plans are tentative, cancer fatigue should not be thought of as an excuse but as a legitimate reason, and when energy is limited it's not wrong to prioritize differently than you would have before the cancer. 

My colleague Debbie has been wonderful in letting me teach a few hours once or twice per month and contribute to her class in a very limited way. Teaching, although it takes lots of energy and I can't yet physically take it on multiple days per week, is invigorating for me. It makes me feel like I have something to add and spread to others. When I was in second grade Ms. Taylor asked each student in the class to tell what they wanted to be when they grew up and why. I said I wanted to be a teacher because Ms. Taylor was such a good one and I felt like she made a difference for us. Another student, a boy, said, "That's stupid! Who would want to be a teacher?!" Of course, Ms. Taylor did not like that statement and I believe she verbally reprimanded him, however, I never forgot the incident. And although I'm both a researcher and a teacher, something I couldn't have foreseen in the second grade, I did fulfill my second grade dream. I often fantasize that the boy works in the sewage treatment plant or became a teacher himself and is completely miserable. I'm sure it's bad karma or something to wish ill will on some boy from the second grade I don't even know, but whatever. I have brain cancer. ;-)