Small Victories

Sometimes it's about the small victories. Tonight I'm celebrating that I got to kiss all over my baby and snuggle with him a little (in his PICU crib, but I'll take it!), and his alarms didn't go off! He was calm and relaxed, and when I moved away from his face, he even turned his head towards me to find me. It's not right that we are apart, and we both know it. I frequently have complained to friends about how 'I just want a break! These boys drive me crazy!' All I want right now is to be home with my family being driven absolutely crazy. It makes me sick to think of those moments and how perfect they actually were.

The last two days I've really struggled with the mourning of the loss of newborn bliss. I was so thrilled to be able to truly enjoy my baby in all his brand newness in a special way - the stress of new parenthood is behind us since he's number 3, and he was our reminder to slow down, be home, be present. It was an absolutely wonderful month. And I feel robbed. Robbed of the innocence that came with that month. I fear that my moments with him in the future won't just be bliss, they will come with fear. Fear that he's breathing ok, fear the tumors are growing, fear of the unknown. 

'So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.' ~ Isaiah 41:10

Many people have sent me this verse over and over again. I'm clinging to it. I'm trying to believe it. God help my unbelief.