Posted 2015-03-14T18:06:00Z

Day 57- CANCER

Cancer.

If you aren't careful, it will move past a disease and become a definition.

Your time and your thoughts consumed by it; it will eat away at your sanity. It will make you see the world through the filter of pain and suffering. It will try to steal away your happiness.

As I mentioned in my other post, I've put off doing our scheduled newborn pictures with Redden. Don't get me wrong, there are literally millions of pictures of him that I've taken myself, but none of us as a family... until last week.

You see, I kept thinking we were almost done. The treatment was almost done. The scars almost healed. We were almost home from the hospital. The house was almost clean enough. We were almost caught up on enough sleep. Almost, almost, almost... And in my head, once all those 'almosts' were completed, THEN it would be the right time to take pictures.

And then the foolishness of that mindset finally hit me.

As a photographer myself, I love capturing real life moments for others. Giving them something tangible that reminds them of how a time in their life FELT. Why was I not embracing this time in my own life with the same mindset? Because, despite all the pain of now, I still have this beautiful baby in front of me. And he, not the cancer, deserves to be acknowledged.

So I had our photographer come to the hospital, and take pictures of him now. In our reality. In it's pain and imperfection that at times can take my breath away with its beauty. With us eating hospital food, wrapped up in hospital sheets, laughing together, crying together, BEING together. With Redden's scars visible. His battle wounds acknowledging his bravery and accomplishments so far. With his beads that he's earned... and his smile that lights up the room.

Taking a moment to stop our minds from the chaos, and acknowledge this gift that we have in front of us. Our amazing little son.

Just like Allyson Buck said in this article about life after she found out her son's terminal illness... 'You will never again be the person you were before. You will become a much better person. At first you’ll want to go back, then you’ll start to be thankful for who you’ve become.'

We are changed. We are better. And during many a late night while doing his medicine and feeding tube, we've talked about those changes. How the normal moments we witness in the world around us suddenly feel hollow. How things that used to stress us out now feel really stupid and trivial. How we realize that we've never truly given of ourselves to others the way that we should. How we no longer scroll past the stories of children suffering, thinking 'oh that's terrible,' and then move on with our day. How we now say 'I WILL pray for you' and we actually do it.

We enjoy our children more. We know that any second of any day could present us with an opportunity to steal our happiness. So we cling to that. We hug more. We yell less. We try harder. We love harder.

We are more honest in our discussions. Always one to try and make things ok, or at least seem ok, I've become more comfortable in allowing my discussions to show my fear and my uncertainty. To show that there is no strength in me left. No facade anymore. Just an acknowledged and embraced brokenness.

We forgive. Freely. Ourselves, and others. Because absolutely nothing else matters now.

Cancer can start in the flesh and eat into your soul. But we can't let that happen. We WON'T let that happen. It will not take us. It will not take HIM.

It will not win.