Day 61- 3 MONTHS OLD
Today he's 3 months old.
Today hasn't been anything special, but it's huge when I step back and consider the bigger picture. He's been fighting, and BEATING cancer for 3 months now.
Our little warrior.
On Monday we went in for blood counts. As I sat in the waiting room another little patient came over to talk to Red. He was a Leukemia warrior, about 10 years old, and pretty much the cutest and sweetest little guy on earth. As his Mom and I swapped stories I noticed the boy's chest had press and seal on it. It was at that moment I realized with horror that I had forgotten to give Redden the lidocaine numbing cream on his port to prepare him for the shot. Failure. Sometimes it feels like no matter how many schedules, phone alarms, or organizational tools I use, we just cannot stay on top of all of this. And almost every single day I just want to scream 'Why did you let me go home with all of this? I'm completely UNQUALIFIED!!!!!'
The nurses were able to get him the cream, and when it was all said and done we didn't need to access the port as he had to have a heel stick instead. Guaranteed 10 minutes of crying from both baby and Mommy. His blood counts were low, but not as low as they could have been. We were hoping for higher so we could stop doing his neupogen shots. We have to give them to him every night and it's just horrible. No matter what tricks we try to make the shot easier on him, his cries make us feel like the worst people in the word. We hate it so much we force each other to do it (I mean, take turns doing it...). Because the shots are always given during low blood count times, his beautiful chunky little legs react strongly to them and end up covered in bruises. I know it looks worse than it is, but the whole experience is just traumatic for all of us. Only 1 more day of shots after tonight, and then we'll get a tiny break until the next round of chemo, which unfortunately is this coming Monday.
We were thankful that his lowest number was a 3, which is very far away from ZERO, and they anticipated that his numbers would recover well over this week. So well, in fact, that we get to do a few things together as a family this weekend to celebrate. First thing on the list? Going out to breakfast. Bring it on pancakes and coffee that didn't come from my hands. I've missed you.
Despite how much we as a family love to eat, Redden hadn't gained enough weight to be on track with his percentages, so we're fortifying his nighttime milk. I was so hopeful to not have to introduce another thing into his body, but looks like it's necessary. Add it to the list.
All in all this week has been pretty great. He sleeps great at night, and is unsettlingly calm. This absolutely glorious weather has us spending most of our time outside, which has made us all happier (and less crazy) people. Despite being warned that he wouldn't be on track with his development during this time, he's doing all the normal things a 3 month old should do, and his most recent milestone is reaching and grabbing for things like toys and faces.
Unfortunately, the stress of everything seems to finally have caught up with my body. I'm in pain most of the time. Lack of sleep? Lack of sanity? Who knows which thing pushed me over the edge, but I'm really struggling to keep up my energy to make it through these days. I feel like I've been hit by a bus every morning, and it takes a lot of coffee before I'm even walking somewhat normally. It's making me really short-fused with the three boys.. doesn't help that school has been closed and we've all been home together. Desperate to get out of this funk, I've asked several friends for advice on how to both survive and a better parent right now... friends that have had or are currently in situations just like ours. And the advice I got back was all the same...
give yourself grace. talk to the kids about how you feel. say I'm sorry more. don't make it harder on yourself with your expectations. watch more tv if you need to. do less. don't try to do more. just embrace simplicity.
So that's our goal for the next couple of days. Embrace simplicity. Eat a lot of pancakes. And please pass the Advil.
Comments (17)
Underweight? He is a chunky monkey! He looks like he is winking in that second picture...so cute! I am so sorry you are hurting. Extra prayers for your pain!
Beri, that is such a pair of cute photo's of Redden. Prayers for all of you for continued progress and rest. Hugs.
You and Brian are doing great. Red should never have to go through this, but he is blessed to be in the family he is in!
He is such a cutie pie!! He looks so healthy and happy in his pictures that its hard to believe that his little body is being ravaged by such a horrendous disease. I just wish that I lived nearby so that I could help you and your family as you all so bravely travel down this unbelievably difficult road. Our prayers continue...
He's such a cute baby. Take care of yourself, take a long shower, get a pedicure. Best wishes.
Dear Beri, One more piece of advice, "Get off your back." As you know, this being a parent thing is hard under the best of circumstances. We all make mistakes, lose our temper when we shouldn't, forget things that are important, take it out on those we love, and miss precious milestones by looking at "what could have been." But God is patient, and so are those who love us the most. You are one of the best mommies I know. Hang in and enjoy your pancakes. I love you all very much.
Happy 3 months Baby Red! You've probably already had this experience but, just in case....one thing that may slightly make you feel better on the shots is when this past summer I had a battery of shots / perfect timing to give them to myself. I also felt completely unqualified. Once I did do the wrong shot and called the 24 hour hotline in a panic. The nurse said there is 0% that you could truly screw this up or we wouldn't send you home with it. There is no worst case scenario other than you may waste some funds. If you haven't already, perhaps ask the nurse about this. Once I heard that I felt a tad better. You are in the eye of the hurricane and surviving it. Will be praying for strength, patience and courage. Be easy on yourselves. Pancakes!!! Love and prayers,
In our prayers, morning, noon and night.....pray for your strength to hold, your pain to leave your energy to rise and this all to be a distant memory one day.god bless redden...he is one cute lil dumpling, 💜🙏
Continuing to pray daily for all of you and your dear sweet Redden.
Red is a beautiful boy, and I am grateful for the good news and hope daily for progress. Beri, everything you are feeling would be perfectly normal even if Red was totally healthy! You've got a new baby and three kids that take a lot of work. I agree with all the advice and hope you are as gentle with yourself as you try so hard to be with your family. I know it's hard, but ask for and take every bit of help you can get. We all have moments as parents that we wish we had more energy, more patience, but your kids will only remember how much you love them and what a strong mama you are. You're giving everything of yourself right now, there is nothing more you can do, and you're doing a great job. Those pictures make it plain to all of us!
My heart goes out to you and Brian and the boys. But you are doing remarkably well dealing with this ordeal. Redden has a great smile and I I know that counts for a lot. Hang on in these---The Almighty is there with you every step of the way. My prayers continue...
Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing an unbelievable job! No one can be expected to take care of a sick baby, two other children, manage a household, be a nurse (byw) You deserve a nursing certificate. It is amazing to me how you are handling the medical issues never being in the medical field Better than some nurses I've worked with. Hang in there Beri. That little wink from Redden in that second picture is just an impish look. I think he is thinking , wow, I am really making everybody pray and love and care. He's got us all running around. I think he is enjoying watching us. Wink. xoxooxo
God His hand on all of this praying for FULL recovery for little Red
Praying for healing, Grace, strength and rest! And weight gain. Praise God for Redden meeting milestones! He's an amazing little warrior indeed, as are his parents and brothers. ❤️❤️❤️
That was good advice. You have a wise friend. Also realize you're holding up amazingly well. Your love gives you strength.
Beri and Brian, You are doing such a wonderful job of loving your children and getting the care needed for Redden. And 3MONTHS OLD! Every milestone is a celebration for you, your family and all who are praying for you. Enjoy the pancakes and chilling out with eachother. God bless you with all of His Love and Grace needed.
Hi, Thanks for this update and the beautiful pictures. Do Not ever think both of you aren't doing a GOOD job. Both of you have had to learn SO Much in a quick time period. Try eating Protein six times a day. Besides Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner eat some Protein mid morning, mid afternoon and before you go to bed. Always praying for you plus in our Adoration Chapel and each time a candle is burning. Love, Peace, Strength, Courage and Patience.