2 More Blog Posts about high school and relationships

High School!:The Dark Ages with Points of Light
 

There's an old story of three pastors sitting at dinner one night talking shop. They're talking about their bat problem. They all have bats hanging out inside their bell towers.The first pastor shared his plan, but the bats kept coming back. The second did the same, but with a different plan, but the same results. They can't seem to get rid of these bats. The third pastor bragged that his plan has worked perfectly. He simply Baptized and Confirmed them, and he hasn't seen them since.

What is it about those high school years that seem to create the dark ages as far as spiritual and church things go?

For me, it was a combination of my parents dying and a low view of myself. By December of my freshman year, my mother was experiencing headaches. They didn't go away, and in March,  she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She had surgery and the doctors told us that she would not live long. It was heart crushing news for the family and especially my father. She would live two more years and passed away right before the beginning of my senior year. The hardest part for me was the fact that after the surgery she was no longer the mother that I knew. She was no longer the strong matriarch of the family, but only a shadow of her former self. It was as if she was already dead. She spent part of the last year of her life in a nursing home in Glendale Heights. Every time that I pass that facility, I think about my mother. The biggest regret of my life was not spending more time with my mom near the end of her life. I was too caught up in my own life or too afraid of death. I still remember the last night of her life and wondering if each breath would be her last one.

In July of 1977,  my parents took a long delayed trip to Hawaii that we gave them back in 1973 for their 25th anniversary. While hopping islands, my father died from a massive heart attack. I can still remember the moment my brother told me. I can still recall the feeling of the blood draining from my face and the spot in the store where I was standing. It was a moment that rocked my world and still does even to this day. I can recall sitting by myself at the funeral home looking at the body of my father completely numb. I couldn't even cry. It would be years later while watching a Michael Keaton movie about a dying father that the tears would begin to flow. His death forever changed my life. I looked at life differently from that moment on to this day. I have a sadness inside of me. I have a hole in my heart. I have never really gotten over his death. It has impacted my reaction to my own fatal  illness. I want my children not to have my experience so I talked to God for many years about living a long time. It has been a great struggle with God over the last year.

In the darkness was many points of light. First, I love baseball. I love to play it and watch it. I started playing baseball at the age of 7. Over the years, I was on many All-stars teams. In high school, I played on the varsity all four years. Before you get overly impressed, our school had to rebuild the baseball program my freshman year. We had only two juniors and the rest were sophomores and freshmen. Our coach was awesome. Mr. Jones came from a school in Iowa where he won several state championships. By the time I was a junior we were one game from the state championship semi finals. We lost to Providence High school who were the eventual state champions. They had a pitcher who was drafted by the major leagues right out of high school. My brother, the garbage disposal, eventually married one of Mr. Jone's daughters, so I got to see him several times over the years. He was fun to be around. In retrospect, I think he put me on varsity so he could keep an eye on me. He was also my Freshman Biology teacher. He used to make jokes about his wife. He would say "My wife is so fat that she sits around the house. I mean around the house". It wasn't till I met her later that I come to find out that she is a tiny skinny petite woman. He was funny, but serious about baseball. He once told our first baseman that "You have to sacrifice your body for the team!! "  
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Another point of light.  A huge one. A point of light that would change the course of my life. When I lost both of my parents, it helped to have other people in my life who were looking out for me. This ended up being the Wahrman family. This crazy funny caring family that moved from Oklahoma to the frozen tundra of Chicago. I don't remember who I met first Jeff or Ken. I met Ken playing baseball. He was one year ahead of me in school. Jeff was in my same grade, so I had Jeff in classes. He sat behind me in Mr. Leonard's algebra class. He had fun torturing me! He would hide behind me and hit me in the back or he would flick my ears with his finger. Of course, if I tried to retaliate I would get in trouble. By the time we were seniors, we were best friends. We were in every play together.  We were in choir's bass section. Jeff played football, so I led the cheers from the stands. Any time he touched the ball, a chant of  "Wahrman ooo ah!" would ring out. We decided to be crazy and attend every basketball game after raiding his mother's closet. Yes, we wore women's hats to every game. Picture the fancy hats women used to wear in the 50's and 60's and you get the picture. On top of that, we would join the cheerleaders and dance team for their halftime routines.

I could fill up this blog with stories of other things we did. In trying to be brief, I will share my favorite one. The movie, The Blues Brothers, was filmed in various locations all across the Chicago area during our senior year. One night after final dress rehearsal for our play, we found out that one scene was being filmed a couple of miles from our high school. So, Jeff and I decided to go check it out and see how close we could get so that we might get a glimpse of Jim Bleushi and Dan Aykroyd. So, we got in our car right after rehearsal not even taking the time to take our makeup off. There is a scene in the movie where this female character is waiting in front of a seedy motel. So, we found the motel. Sure enough, there were bright lights, cameras, etc in front of this motel. Jackpot!! We drove past it, and parked on a dark side street . We got out of our car about a block away from the scene. It was dark and we were wearing sun glasses. We got a break in the passing cars and scurried across the highway. There was a line of trees and then a field between us and the house next to the motel. We pretended to be a swat team and literally crawled across the field and next to the house situated next to the motel. We hid in the bushes and watched the scene in front of us which was a bunch of bright lights, equipment and people standing around doing apparently nothing. After awhile, we got bored and decided to leave. We decided to leave down the street behind the motel. We suddenly ran into a police officer sitting in a car. Trying to play it cool, we waved at him as we walked past. He rolled his window and asked us how the movie was going. We said great and kept walking. Later, we remembered that we still had our makeup on from the play.He must have thought we were part of the movie. It was quite an adventure!

Another point of light was the choir and plays that I participated in my junior and senior year. I was in Hello Dolly, You Can't Take It With You, Fiddler On The Roof, Cinderella, and some one act plays. My junior year, our choir tried out for an international choir festival to be held in Mexico. We were chosen. The festival was held in June at the end of my Senior year. We spent all year trying to raise money for it by selling pizzas. Jeff and I went throughout  his neighborhood and mine and sold over a hundred pizzas. Great, right? Well, we made a critical mistake. We lost the list of who we sold pizza to during our sales blitz. We had over a hundred pizzas. Great! Jeff ' s mom stuffed them into their extra refrigerator in the garage and they had pizza for a long time. It was during choir practices that I got to know the most important person in my life, my wife, Jan who just so happens to be Jeff's younger sister.The best moment happened when Jeff and I totally embarrassed her by singing happy birthday to her in front of the whole choir. No wonder she didn't start dating me for another five years.

Another point of light was youth group. I didn't start attending one until senior year. Jeff talked me into attending St. Michael youth group in Wheaton. We also attended some regional youth events called Salt Company. It started the building blocks of my experience of God in a more personal way. I met leaders and young people who seemed to make God a priority in their life. I wasn't ready to do that myself at the time. Reflecting back on my own experience, it fueled my passion to never give up reaching out to teens and college students. We never know when a person is ready to invite God into their lives.  We can never stop inviting people into a deeper relationship with God. The Wahrman family exemplified this attitude to me throughout high school and college. They constantly invited me into their lives and never gave up on me even when most other people would have done so.

There were other points of light. Friends made. Ed and I had running feud so to speak. We, along with other people at our lunch table, had a smash in your face cake war. We would sit down next to an unsuspecting person with a piece of cake purchased from the cafeteria. While eating the cake, we would complain that it smelled funny. If the person bent down to smell it, we would smash the cake in their face. I found out that Ed was moving to Georgia after the school year. I had a plan of attack. I waited till the last day of school. I waited till the last minute of the lunch period. I went up, and bought a piece of cake. I came up behind Ed, and said "Smell this!!" I smashed the cake into his face and walked out of the lunch room. Yes!!

Another point of light. Bill was pretty quiet guy in school. He is a good person and someone I enjoyed hanging around. Bill and I decided to be industrious. We started a lawn care business. I don't remember cutting very many lawns. I think Bill may cut have a lot more than me. There were other friends made: Tom, Phil, Marlena, Patti, Jim, Paul, and many more. Tom had awesome hair and played the drums like no other. Phil was smart with a wicked sense of humor. Anne, Denise, Jessica, Sue, Amy, Nancy, Jerry, and Don. Jim and I spent New Years Eve driving around in a snow storm doing donuts in his '66. 
  
I am not sure if it was a point of light or darkness. After my senior year, we took the Choir trip to Mexico. It was an interesting experience. It was a poorly chaperoned event. It shaped much of the way I would eventually not run youth ministry events and trips. Our trip took us from Mexico City to a little town of Taxco to Acapulco. The first night our whole floor never went to bed and no chaperone ever came to check on us. Two members of our group were sent home early for bad behavior. The highlight of the trip for me was our pilgrimage to see the tilma of St. Juan Diego. It has the image of the Virgin Mary but it is not paint. It was miraculously put on there. It happened 500 years ago, but it has not faded. My roommate for the trip was Jeff. So, of course, there were really crazy things that happened like late night escapades on the beach.  Some how, we made it home without spending time in a Mexican jail.

High school was a great four years during a time of great difficulty. It reminds me as a youth minister that every teen has a story to tell, and some of it is suffering. Many teens come from divided homes. Many teens have lost loved ones. Many teens have low esteem and need to be encouraged.  

Romeo, oh Romeo
 March 14, 2018
Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with a college friend.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Bob, “I’ll be with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Alex says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!” and fake a heart attack.”
That night Bob knocks at the girl’s door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how gorgeous she is.

He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs her heart, shouts “Aaaaaauuuuggghh!” and collapses with a heart attack.

I spent three years reading St John Paul II's discourses on his writings called 'Love and Responsibility'. The discourses ended being called 'Theology of the Body'. St John Paul was more of a philosopher by trade. He taught ethics for twenty years in Poland. His discourses were very deep and hard to comprehend. I would read one sentence or paragraph and have to put it down to think about what he was explaining. I can't imagine standing in St Peter Square listening every Wednesday. He gave these talks over many years. If I could boil down the main message of TOB, every person can only comprehend themselves if they live FOR another.

We are made in the image of God. God who's three persons in one God. The Father loves the Son, and the Son loves the Father so powerfully that this love is literally a person - The Holy Spirit. The Church would call it a constant love song being sung. The Holy Spirit is the Immaculate Conception of the love of the Father and the Son. We, therefore, are called to be in community with and for others as a single person, married, religious, priest, bishop, or Pope. Laying our lives down for others. It is in this basic foundational principle that will change your life at any stage. It is the key to experiencing joy and moments of happiness. It is the foundation of love. It is the essence of love. It is the source of true passionate love.

It took me years to understand God's concept of love, and I am still trying to live it out. I had my first crush on a girl at the age of five. Of course, I also fell in love with my first grade teacher at St Petronille School. I had a crush on a girl practically every year in school, so it should not come as a surprise that I decided not to be a celibate priest, but get married.  My first real girlfriend was Sophomore year of high school. Of course, she was the younger sister of my friend. Do you see a pattern? I didn't have a license so our dating consisted of hanging out at her house and going to school functions. She moved away to Wisconsin at the end of the school year. I was heart broken.

Junior and Senior year were the most fun. I went to all the dances. I had several short term relationships. It wasn't until the end of senior year that I was in another long term relationship with a girl. If your family and friends think a relationship is a bad idea, listen! I didn't listen. It was a relationship that I should have gotten out of quickly but I didn't. I thought I was in love, but I was really in lust. If you were going out for a long time, you would give your class ring to a girl. So, at some point, I gave her my class ring which she wore on a necklace.  My oldest sister was not happy. She paid for that ring. This dating relationship negatively impacted all my other relationships: friends, and family. Plus, it drove me farther away from God. It took me until Freshmen year of college to end it. By then, I had already done damage. It's something that I regret to this day. Of course, my sister was not happy until I got my ring back.

I met Jan in high school. I didn't start dating her until I finished college. But, we almost went to a Turnabout Dance in my senior year in high school. I had a date to the dance. It was with a girl who I had a crush on for quite awhile, but she was dating someone. In January, she broke up with him. She eventually asked me to go to the Turnabout Dance which was in February, so, of course, I said yes. Well, the week before the dance she decided to get back together with her boyfriend. Thus, I had no date to the dance. Jan found out from her brother. The next day, she stopped me in the hallway at school and asked me to the dance, but the night before I was asked by one of my friends to go. It was a good thing because I was not a good person at the time.  I was too caught up in my lustful ways.  

In college, I was able to develop many friendships with females. I had a lot of fun. I think looking back at this time period, I learned to develop friendships with the opposite sex, and this served me well. In high school and college, I recommend spending more time developing friendships. Out of that circle of friends, you can learn a lot about yourself and learn a lot about them. For me, I started to discover the type of people that I got along with and the ones that I didn't. Go to dances and events as a group of friends or just as friends. Yes, you will find someone who interests you but keep it as a friendship as long as you can. In high school and college, you are still learning about yourself .  When you are in a relationship and it ends, try to learn as much as you can from the experience about yourself and others.

One of my most embarrassing moments in dating came on a first date with someone that I had already built a friendship with before the date. So, I am driving to pick her up. I had a total brain cramp, and I can't think of her first name. It was crazy. I had known this girl for quite awhile, and yet I am on the way to pick her up and I can't think of her name. This is before cell phones. I panicked, and I stopped at the Seven Eleven to use the pay phone. Ironically, I call my future mother in law who knew her. Of course, over the years she never let me forget it. It was the source of much laughter. I had to describe the situation to her, and then I had to describe the girl to her. She eventually figured out who I was talking about. It was crazy, and embarrassing. I ended up dating this girl for several months.   

In college, I feel badly about some of the things that I did. I dated this girl. She didn't drink and she was a pretty strong Christian. Well, I think I was a bad influence on her. I got her to drink and party. We spent a lot time making out. It didn't last long.

I had another crush on a freshman girl who lived on the floor below me. I pursued her the rest of my college career. I should have seen the hand writing on the wall. She really wasn't as interested in me as much as I was in her. I finally broke off my pursuit in November of 1984 when I woke up and realized she had other priorities other than me.

By November after I had graduated from college, I had been spending time working on a young adult retreat program. It was called the Happening in Christianity. It reached juniors in high school to twenty-one year olds. By working on this program, I had invited God more deeply into my life. This changed me. I was looking for something different in a dating relationship. I was looking for someone who loved God first and foremost. I was looking for someone who was loving and caring. Someone who had a great sense of humor. Someone who I could go into a soul relationship. Someone who could talk about the deeper things of life, but also could be silly fun. I started to think about who around me embodied those qualities. I realized that person had been right in front of my face for many years. It was Jeff 's little sister.

Over the years, I spent a lot of time hanging out at the Wahrman's house along with dozens of other people from the Happening. On any given night a few dozen people could be at their house. You could enter their house without knocking as long as you avoided their dog Butch. Of course, he mainly bit your pants when you were leaving. The Wahrman's were the most welcoming people that you could ever meet. People called Mrs. Wahrman "Mom". They mainly called Mr. Wahrman "Commander".  Anyway, one night in December, I called the house and Jan answered the phone. I asked her who was at her house. She said no one. I asked if I could come over. She was dumbfounded because she was the only one there. Little did she know that I was coming over to spend time with her.