Back to blogging after a long break
It's August, and everyone needs a vacation, right? I have been away from the blog for 6 weeks! The past two weeks, quite a few people have emailed me asking how I am doing, so I figured I should get back to it and post. Today I am writing from Maggies Cancer Center. It's a fabulous homey place right next to Churchill Hospital with the most amazing staff that welcomes us with tea and tissues every time we come in. They have cozy Scandinavian furniture and floor-to-ceiling windows that let light and the calming views of the surrounding trees flood in. Later today I have my post chemo CT scan. We will have the results of this scan, and more blood work, on Sept 5th, my last UK oncology appointment. I came to Maggie's 5 hours early to have plenty of time for getting a blog post up.
So what have I been up to...way back in July we were busy playing Oxford Tour guides for Sally, Bob, and Caroline during the final week of their UK visit, July 11-17. We toured the Oxford University Press, the largest academic press in the world and headquartered just 4 blocks from our flat. We visited colleges, toured the Bodleian Library, saw an episode of Morse being filmed and generally had a grand time. We celebrated Bruce's birthday! The festivities were a bit feeble (I am sucking up too much attention) so I think Bruce deserves a big "Best Husband ever" party back in SB. Bruce, you are the most amazingly attentive and loving spouse -- you are my hero and knight in shining armor!
Back to July.....after a short 24-hour break we had more visitors! Shannon and Frew, who were on sabbatical in Edinburgh, came for a quick visit before they headed back to SB. Then another 24-hour break and we had a lovely visit with Laurel and David Hodges who just finished up the Quire of Voyces tour in Wales. It was fabulous to have them all, but I was wiped out after those busy three weeks. August has been much quieter; many of my Newcomer friends are away on vacation, so I have been keeping busy walking 6 miles a day and visiting all the nooks and crannies of Oxford before we leave.
During my break from blogging, I had chemo treatments #5 and #6. Today is 15 days after of my last treatment, which is about the time my symptoms lessen and I start feeling better. And I am ready to feel better!! because the symptoms were worse for the last two cycles: tinnitus, neuropathy, weak limbs, metal mouth, urpy tummy. None of it, in and of itself, was that bad, just taken all together for the duration has worn me down. But finishing chemo feels like a double edged sword. If they offered me a 7th round I would say YES, let me have it! Chemo is the only thing I can do to kill the few remaining cancer cells; it feels foolish to stop. Patients with easier cancers to cure might feel relieved when chemo ends, but for me, with cancer that is considered "incurable," finishing chemo is scary.
I am frightened. Without my monthly dose of toxic drugs, will my cancer come back? On days when I am feeling pessimistic, looking to my future feels like staring down the freight train of death that is coming right at me. On days I feel healthy and positive I think, "How can I be so sick? I just walked 7 miles and feel great." My mood swings between being in denial -- I can't die in my 40s, this is crazy! -- to dread and depression. My brain is so desperate to know if I am going to survive this, it is constantly trying to figure out if I am going to beat the odds. Each fact is a puzzle piece for a picture that does not yet exist. I try to logically think through to find an answer for an unknowable future.
Younger patients have higher survival rates. I have the aggressive cell type. I came out of surgery with "no evidence of disease." Recurrence rates are still about 70%. Typically recurrence is 18 months post chemo. Advanced ovarian cancer is much harder to treat after recurrence. Will new drugs be developed? The facts swirl in my head. There is just no way to know if I will be lucky and beat the odds. It is a heavy burden to carry and if I'm not deliberate and skilled with managing my thoughts it will kill my hope and ruin many joyful days. Thankfully, my mind is less obsessed with figuring it all out and I am thinking about it much less that I was only a month ago.
What I need to focus on..... live every day with gratitude and happiness!
Hugs to you all,
Michelle
Comments (8)
Dear Michelle, You write so beautifully, poignantly and in such a moving yet poetic way. I fell like we have been privileged to walk this journey with you in some small sense. I read your last few paragraphs over again several times. They are so perfectly stated, and reflect the way in which, I think, so many of us feel at certain times in our life, whether we are facing cancer or some other kind of life altering upheaval. I was reminded of some of those times in my life as I read what you posted. While I was not facing anything like what you have been dealing with, there were those times when I thought life somehow just could not or would not go on. I found my only comfort in reading certain parts of the Bible, and two things came to my mind this morning that I will pass on to you . . . two great little verses that helped me through some very dark times: John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” Hebrews 13:5: “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’” I pass them on to you as something that helped calm the dark nights. I send you my deepest wishes and prayers for comfort when the brain just wants to explode and the heart just wants to break in pieces. Love to you . . . Patty T.
Michelle and Super Bruce - thank you for sharing your posts. I have been thinking of you both very much and while the whole Oxford experience did not work out quite as planned, I am glad that you got to share it with so many friends and family and that you made many beautiful memories. While I was reading your most recent post, I heard a funny sound in my living room, so I got up to see the most beautiful huge green dragonfly trapped against my front window. I promptly rescued the bug and set him free in the backyard. To me, dragonflies are truly messengers from heaven. I find it metaphorical that this beautiful green (green is my favorite color) creature came into my home for what could have been a fateful visit, but in the end was set free to continue living an amazing life on earth. I am passing this message on to you as I feel that we are all here for a purpose and that there is much more purpose here on this earth for you. I am looking forward to reconnecting with you upon your return. I love to walk and would love to accompany you on some walking adventures where I can share my special places with you in Santa Barbara. PEACE - Fondly, Jenn Scholl
It's good to hear from you but sad to think of you leaving the city you've become part of. Well done continuing with your walking each day. How you've managed the visitors I'll never know. It's always exhausting having company. I loved visiting with Bob and sally and look forward to coming to SB in the future. Our Love as aye, John & Carolyn & Tom
We totally understand your apprehension. I hope you can revel in the fact that you are not alone and have many devoted friends. We send you as much courage as we can muster up. Many are more eloquent than I, but but please accept my wish for continued stamina as you meet new challenges. Kathy
Dear Michelle, I was only thinking of you both yesterday, concerned that I hadn't had any posts on this blog, and viola! you post. It is certainly a privilege to be allowed to share in your thoughts, trials, tribulations and successes. You are a very eloquent writer, expressing with depth and clarity fears so many feel at times when life and our future seems very uncertain, but also remembering to focus on those things that you love and that matter the most - your darling husband, your friends and family (both near and far, far away), the times when you feel great, and can see wonderful things all around you. Your ability to keep exercising, and entertaining visitors, and blogging - all wonderful illustrations of your hope for your future. Keep your focus, and I hope that writing, and hearing from your loved ones, continues to give you hope and optimism for your future. Love & energy & power to you both from Oz, Karen xx
Thank you for sharing your joys and your burdens with your friends and family. I'm sure it must help. I'm also sure everyone is eager to lighten your load at every chance. You are loved by many. XOXO. Jim
Dearest Michelle, I've been blessed by your courage and honesty. You have done so well! While facing this cancer head on, you have managed to enjoy and appreciate the wonderful people around you and the extraordinary scenery outside your window! Keep on keeping on! Blessings and hugs, Barbara Young
Dear Michelle, Thanks for the update. We think of you and Bruce very often. Keep on fighting!! By the way, Kirsten, Owen and I will be spending Christmas in Oxford with my brother and his wife, so the news about the environs of Oxford is exciting for us (though the weather won't be quite the same when we are there!). Lots of love from Down Under, Mick