crash and burn landing back at home......

It is almost three months since we returned to Santa Barbara.  Coming "home" has felt like a step back.  I knew I was being hopeful when I thought I could just leave Porlock buried in Oxford.  That goal of keeping my mind positive and free from cancer thoughts has been harder than I imagined.   My emotions swing like a giant wrecking ball from depression to disbelief and back again.  When I am feeling emotionally stable and happy, my brain thinks: this can't possibly be happening.  When I feel the full force of my disease, my brain descends into despondency.  I have yet to know how to be content in the same moment that I am with my diagnosis.  It makes me feel bipolar: how can these two realities coexist?  I'm working on it.  I have started going to counseling at the Cancer Center and Hospice.  Part of my homework is to write down my negative thoughts and learn to replace them with positive thoughts.  I have also been attending the "young survivors support group," nutritional counseling, yoga classes, and Reki, and will start a neuropathy program in January.  It feels like I am at the CC every day,  I hate that this is my reality.  But for now it is helpful, and the support is great, so I go.  

The good news -- I had my 3 month check up and my blood work was great.  My cancer antigen 125 level was 4.  CA 125 levels are not a perfect indicator, but generally a level below 30 means no ovarian cancer cells are present.  It was good news, but not unexpected; it is too soon for a recurrence.  The rest of my bloods were good too -- all systems go.  

In other, more fun news, Jane planned a great trip to the Eastern Sierra for my birthday.  We had a blast at Bodi State Park, soaking in natural mineral springs, exploring Mono Lake and the wide open spaces.  I should have posted pictures but there were too many to choose.  Perhaps the best thing to happen last month -- we adopted a cat.  Cooper is a great addition to my days, a fun companion. In just a few hours we get on a plane to Dominica, a small island nation in the lesser Antilles, for 10 days of hiking.  I have more trips in the works: Yosemite for cross-country skiing, Alaska for dog sledding, New Zealand for more hiking ... I feel my candle burning at both ends and I wake up busting with ambition to get some items checked off my life list.  I don't know how long I can keep this up, but If I can just run fast enough maybe I can outrun this terrible disease! Hugs and happy holiday to all, 

MK