not the birthday post I hoped to write
This post was supposed to be about my 45th birthday. I have dubbed today my "50% birthday," setting the intention that I am only 50 percent done with life, fighting on and yelling "90 here I come" for 45 more years.
This post was supposed to share my excitement about renewing my passport, complete with a new curly haired picture that actually looks like me. I ordered the book with "extra pages" and set an ambitious goal of filling all 50 pages before it expires in 10 years.
This post was supposed to shower encouragement and gratitude on Allison who is running a half Iron Man triathlon in my honor this weekend. Allison, I am so sorry I can't be there to cheer you on and drive you home.
This post was supposed to celebrate reaching my FitBit Sahara Badge and walking 3,000 miles in under 2 years.
This post was to brag about my newest painting, a thank you card to Lady Ridley-Tree for her $12 million donation to the new CC.
This post was supposed to be about my plans to hike the Milford Track next month with Lee Heller and walk the Japanese Shikoku Buddhist Pilgrimage Trail with Bruce during winter break.
Instead, I have the most heartbreaking news... my cancer antigen marker is way up. I had PET and CAT scans yesterday. Today we meet with my oncologist to hear the dreaded news -- I am in recurrence. There are no good options from here. The fighting gets more taxing for much smaller gains. Surgery is not an option so chemo starts next week. Please don't ask about medical details. Don't ask me how I am doing, don't bring up cancer. I will post news. When I am asked for updates, Porlock get a few more minutes of my life. It is hard on me, going over it again and again. Every moment I am angry, anxious, sad and mad is a moment Porlock steals from me. Every moment I create peace and joy -- I win. Help me be in the moment and create joy on even the hardest days. Things that are helpful....spend time with me and Bruce, join us for dinner parties and card nights, walks, and lunches; join me with errands; plan staycation activities with me here in SB and another fabulous trip next summer. I also look forward to skyping with my friends scattered across the globe. I know you don't know what to say. You don't have to say anything, or fix it, or have some profound wisdom. Just be with me.
Much love, Michelle
P.S. This is insane, in an overly dramatic and absurd Shakespearean tragedy sort of way. Seriously, who wrote this script! I want a new playwright.
Comments (28)
A new playwright, nice idea! Your writing is so good, you lift us up, Cherie
you are took complimentary! What days are you working at Cottage, lets meet up.
Dearest Nancy, Alan, and Michelle, you don't know each other, but I know each of you, as you as strong and resilient, and good writers, posting on shared platforms. During yoga class and other quiet times, I send golden light to each of you, sometimes individually in order of geography, you are near and far, but all east of me. Other times I envision you as a triumvirate. Alan, (much taller) standing in the middle with my two brave lady friends on each side. I imagine beams of golden light touching down and lifting your hearts, and creating a bit of healing. I salute you! Cherie
I am here for you, my dear friend! Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year and forever. You are a special light in our lives. Love you! Satie
Hi Michelle, I know I'm old, way older than even your Mom, but if there is something on the list you posted that you would feel comfortable having me do, let me know. I can still eat, walk and sit . . . I count on you to let me help in some small way . . . my love to you, Patty Tunnicliffe
Patty, thank you for the support. Mom and I would love to come up for a visit when she is in town next week. hugs, MK
You are the captain of my heart my most dear daughter. I am by your side every minute, every day. But you know this. Mom
love you right back, today and forever.
Happy Birthday Michelle. Congratulations on your achievements and keep thinking about that new passport
I will be using that passport next May to return to UK for Oxford's May Day celebrations. Maybe we can meet up.
We should love that
Dear Michelle, Your art is beautiful and so are you. Remember that. I am there for you. You just need to ask. Any art adventures, I'm your girl. Love, Patty West
I am sad I didn't get a painting finished for the grand opening of the new CC. So I really do need to work on my watercolor so I can have a great portfolio for Rick to choose a painting. xoxo,mk
we are long-over due a visit. Movie at the newly restored Riviera next week, my treat for your b-day?
I have not been to the new theater yet, lets do it! But it cant be a scary or violent movie, I am a wimp.
Dear Michelle - I am with you, in spirit, though 2,789 miles away. Let's Skype and catch up. Sending wishes for a beautiful SB weather day on this day to celebrate all the wonderful things about you. You're amazing, unique, and I'm so glad we met those many years ago. Hugs and Kisses
I will wear your powerful and inspiring bracelet to chemo next week.
So sorry to hear it, Michelle. Maybe now you really need that extravaganza we talked about last week? Whatever, we'll be there. Hell, we'll help organize it. We're here, and we'll do what little we can from across the country.
Gordon and Kathy, thank you. It means so much that you look after Bruce. We had so much fun in Tucson!
Hi Bruce and Michelle, We just read your Blog, Michelle. We didn’t realise it was your birthday! Belated birthday wishes, although we get it wasn’t the day you were hoping for. We thought we owed you an update from Oxford, and the major issues we face this side of the pond. One of the biggest problems the University is facing at the moment is the port lake. The problem is this: the university brought so much port many years ago, they have a glut of expensive, good vintage, grog. But tastes have changed, and people no longer drink port in the quantity they used to. Apparently port consumption rates amongst Oxford Dons have declined from about 6 gallons/year to only a couple of pints. So the cellars are full of expensive port that no one will drink. ‘Sell it’ you might say, but we have so much the market would be flooded (literally), prices would fall, and the port market might collapse completely. Portugal would then be declared bankrupt, the EU would definitely collapse, and civilisation as we know it would probably cease. Brexit too is on our minds. Absolutely no progress has been made with negotiations with the EU. On the plus side, each day that passes more and more leave voters state they made a mistake and have changed their mind. So now we are at a point when no one really wants it, but our MPs say we must follow the will of the people expressed in the referendum. Except that is no longer their will. Meanwhile our economy plummets and people are busy changing their pounds into Zimbabwean dollars as this is seen as a stable currency. Things are so bad I went to Europe the other day and bought a beer. It only cost £401,583, and it turned out to be low alcohol. Ugh. Woofler, however, continues to provide us with some comfort. As he becomes older he becomes ever more irascible. Squirrels, in particular, annoy him. Our attempts to teach him to climb trees so he can catch them has failed miserably. On the plus side, he is almost certainly an easier pet than Emma-Steve. Emma-Steve is an emu. While we were in Oz last summer a baby emu wandered onto the farm as a tiny chick – probably only a few hours old. It had lost its dad and would certainly die. It was, admittedly, quite cute. We called him Emma the emu but then thought it might be a boy. So, we renamed him/her Emma-Steve and it has stuck. Emma-Steve imprinted on Sonya’s dad (and vice versa), and he’s busy raising the beast (that’s Sonya’s dad raising the emu rather than the other way around). It (the emu) has an unusual diet – fillet steak, scrambled egg and ice-cream appear to be cornerstones of it. When Sonya asked her dad why scrambled egg, he told her that this was because that’s how emu’s like their eggs. We suspect that these are not typical components of the ratite diet, and I am rather alarmed that some ancient development pathway may be triggered and we will end up with a velociraptemu. As the beast grows it is becoming less cute, and I fear Sonya’s dad is creating a monster. Time will tell. Otherwise life here is completely normal. They haven’t found asbestos in our new building yet, but I don’t think they’ve looked. We are having a new kitchen installed at the moment. On the plus side, this has cost us nearly nothing and has had zero impact on our lives for the last three weeks (that last sentence should be read ironically). We will find a way to pop in for a meal at some point. We need to Santa Barbara. Love, Tim, Sonya, kids, Woofler and Emma-Steve PS I would have attached 3 pics -but don’t know how to, sohafe emailed them. One of the kitchen being installed. One of Emma-Steve as a young chick, and one of Emma-Steve now
Tim, you are hysterical, thank you for the good laugh. I know it is possible to post pictures, I think not in the comment section. I will try to post Emma-Steve for you.
Well written and beautiful post, Michelle. We love you and Bruce very much! Now that things are calming down post-wedding, we have much more free time and are around if you'd like some company. Hope to see you soon! Xoxo, Becky
Sending you blessings of light and love, Michele.
Dearest Michelle, what else can an Aussie girl say but that sucks! HOWEVER, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY knowing you are loved and cherished and admired all around the world! You have achieved so much and will continue to do so. Fill the passport as much as you can and give Porlock the finger. If you can get to Oz, please let me know - you and Bruce would be made very, very welcome, and dinners and drinks and cards and laughing would definitely be on the agenda. Much love to you and Bruce from (unfortunately) a long way away in Brisbane, Karen xxx
Banana grams and belated birthday dinner here Wednesday, ducky?
Michelle, you make 45 look amazing! You are loved by so many people and are the epitome of grace and humor. Prayers for healing. Elaine Hord (your mom's life-long friend). :)
Hi, Michelle! I wouldn't expect you to recognize me. I'm cousin to your in-laws, Bob and Sally Kendall. Sally and I, both Virgos, have for many years felt a special connection to one another. While we've not always done a great job of staying connected, we always seem to experience that special phenomenon of picking up wherever we left off. That's what I call a "true friend" For unexplained reasons Sally and I have recently reconnected, which naturally led us to family updates -- and that's what led me to your journal, for which I'm most grateful. I can't explain why but I've always felt connected to you, as I have with Bruce. It must be because family is important and you are family! I think it's also because I sense that you and Bruce are "soulmates" -- a special phenomenon that my husband (Bob) and I share. It is so incredibly special and I love being able to share this with you. So like it or not, you have another cheerleader routing for you, loving you and sending hugs your way! Naomi Martin
Michelle, I needed much time to digest this posting and I too am mad, anxious and furious. Your writing is so wonderful and clear. I love the flower card. It is beautiful and thoughtful and distinct just like the artist! Lady Ridley-Tree is an honored recipient of your gorgeous card. I am sending you all my light and joy and positivity. Hugs from Evelyn, the deer, the gobbling turkeys too. Love and hugs- Nan