Searching for hope
Today is my 3rd rebirthday. While it is important to acknowledge this milestone, I am not feeling very celebratory. The inevitable has been relentlessly creeping closer. My CA marker was up to 34, putting me at the threshold of recurrence. I have a PET scan scheduled for March 15th. If the scan shows only two or three tumors I could have surgery. This is unlikely, as recurrent OC tends to spread diffusely throughout the abdomen. I will have a needle or laparoscopic biopsy of tumor tissue for genetic testing. After surgery in Oxford, my complete genome was sequenced, but because tumor cells grow quickly they have mutation change. We need fresh samples to find mutations which could make the tumors susceptible to immunotherapy. Most likely my next offensive will be chemo starting in early April. After 6 months of chemo the hope will be for another 10-month remission.
I am feeling deflated, defeated, and desperate. Deflated and defeated after fighting hard for three years and feeling farther from health and closer to death. Desperate to find hope in something. For me right now that is THC. I had hoped my 20:1 ratio of CDB dominant oil would decrease my markers. It didn't. Thanks to a skype consultation with a nurse that doses cancer patients, I have a new formula, much higher in THC. I am going all in with daily dosing of 300mg of cannabinoids 2:1 THC to CBD. I have 5 weeks and 2 blood tests to see if this can slow the tumors before starting chemo. This feels only slightly less crazy that rubbing purple crystals or giving myself turmeric colonics, but I have to try. There is solid evidence THC and CBD fight cancer cells, but the data is limited to a few lab animal models. Because of the Schedule 1 classification, It's a black hole.
Ways to be helpful.....please don't ask me how I am or about treatments.
I will need babysitting while I ramp up the THC. Email or leave a blog reply if you can come for visits.
I am grateful for the love and support of so many people. Thank you.
hugs to all, MK
Comments (13)
Dearest Michelle, your voice is so strong and courageous and clear, I can actually hear you saying these difficult words. I wish I had a magic wand. A visit will have to sub, Cherie
Thinking of you both and sending our love
Such devastating news. I’ll be back in early April and happy to spend time with you then.
Michelle, I am saddened to hear of your findings, but hopeful of the chance for a new therapy based on that new biopsy. Love you with all I have. I hope all that Cannabis doesn’t leave you too looped. Hopefully it will give you some comfort. Hugs, Jim
Michelle, Thinking of you everyday I walk -- those steps are for you and Bruce. Love and hugs, Rosa
Michelle, I don't blame you for feeling deflated, defeated, and desperate. It's ok to feel those things, and naming them is the first step to claiming your control over them. You are one of the most courageous women I know. There are no guarantees in life, for any of us. Don't let the prospect of death defeat you. YOU have been living every moment to its fullest, and making the most of the life you have. That is your hope, so just keep doing it at whatever pace feels right for you in this moment. Remember that all of the fighting you have done so far has paid off in giving you these three years, and look what you've done with them! Here's tons of hugs and kisses. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Love and hugs, Maria
Sending love and healing from across the street. It's so hard to stay positive when one is dealing with all this. You have been so strong, so positive. A role model for me. Stay strong and visualize a positive outcome. Still enjoying a portion of the flower arrangement.
Michelle, you have been and continue to be such an inspiration. I think of you often and send healing wishes your way. I wish there were a magic wand I could wave over you now to renew your hope and give you the strength you need right now. But you are such a fighter, I think you will find it on your own. Hugs.
Your Mom has kept me in the loop and so sorry but still cheering for you. Last night saw people preparing for Iditarod in Alaska and thought about how you’re living your life. Most people have wasted their precious time here on the planet. You’ve taken time to smell the roses plus. Cheers for finding Bruce and making life the adventure it is More power to you and we never know what’s around the corner. Hugs and all that stuff. Jorgia Bordofsky
Bob and I love you so much and so admire your strength, your courage, and your amazing ability to fill your life (and Bruce’s) with so many challenging activities and fascinating adventures. You have beaten Porlock into submission twice now. We, along with, I am sure, all your wonderfully supportive friends, are hoping that it is 3 times and out for this unwanted visitor. Meanwhile, If anyone can convince the medical community that THC has a place in the treatment of cancer it will be you. Go gal go. Love and hugs and enormous encouragement from us both.
Dearest Michelle, I agree with Maria C - feel these emotions, hard as they are, acknowledge them and then brace for the next battle. Imagine yourself draped in an armour of love from all your family and friends around the world, your weapons the words of strength, admiration and encouragement we all send you, and kick Porlock in the head a third time. You have been so strong, and it is hard to keep that up, but although some of us are a very, very long way away, you are in our thoughts. And I know Bruce and those who can be physically close to you will love and support you in every way they can, and that this will re-fuel your strength to fight. Thinking of you through the next few months. Love from down under xx
Wish we could come to help. We are thinking of you and sending you strength across the miles. We love you and are wishing for the most positive outcome of this round. Kathy
Michelle, I'm so sorry to hear this. I've waited to respond because I was trying to think of something *useful* I could contribute from a distance. Maybe what would be useful would be to visit (when you're up to it) via Skype or such. Obviously you'll have good days and bad, and some of that is unpredictable, but we can just send notes saying "up for a visit?" or something now and then. Maybe there's more that I can't think of right now . . .