surgery! date TBD

Bruce and I met with Dr. Rodrigues, who I can now officially call my new Gyn-Onc surgeon.  We had a comprehensive visit, discussing my medical history and the details of a second debulking surgery.  We do not have a surgery date yet because she is coordinating with Dr. Conway, who will be scrubbing in and going after the "hot" lymph node adjacent to my pancreas.  I am relieved that they hope the procedure could be laparoscopic.  No promises; everything could change when they get in there, but I am hopeful.  As much as I want a debulking surgery I hope it will be easier than the first go around.  Mom, no peeking.  I was looking at this post-op picture, trying to get psyched up.  If I navigated my way through a 52 staple incision surely I can manage a little laparoscopic surgery. I could be in hospital only 2 days -- I can do this!  But then there is more chemo/immunotherapy.  It's a long long row to hoe.  We meet with Dr. Sekhon again next week, where we will likely get more details on the drug regime she has planned for after surgery.  The goal is to hopefully get me back into a good solid year-long remission.  We will keep fighting on and finding joy in today.  

Thank you, as always, for love and support.  I promise to keep posting news so you don't need to ask.  

MK  

On Wednesday morning I drifted through light anesthesia with memories of family luaus, coral reefs and manta rays sloshing in my head.  What lovely memories from our 4 island Hawaiian adventure.  Thank you Mom, Jim and Donna for traveling with us.  And thanks to the crew of Uncruise for an amazing week.  Back on the surgery table, my mind bobbed around my murky consciousness.  How is it possible that last week I was enjoying water sports: SUP, kayaking, outriggers and snorkeling and this week I wake from having a port "installed" to facilitate cancer treatment.  I don't know how to make sense of this reality.  The boundary between health and wellness from disease and illness is territory I am still, after 3 years, learning to navigate.  I have been VERY reluctant to get a port.  Every time a port was mentioned during a difficult blood draw or infusion I had a vocal and visceral reaction of NO!  I much prefer being stuck 3 or 4 times than having a freakish bionic alien inserted in my chest.  This week I was thinking about why I was so reluctant to agree to the port.  It isn't the vanity, I don't care about the scar.  And it's not worry over the very minor procedure.  I didn't want the daily reminder and the port feels like a tether, tying me to treatments and illness.  But most of all, I am scared I will never be done with treatment.  I will live the rest of my life with this port and die with it in my chest.  I hate that.  So I am struggling, how to accept my reality of new limits yet still feel powerful and full of agency for my life and happiness.  I will work on that.  

We were hoping for a detailed Porlock battle plan briefing yesterday.  But we are in a holding pattern, waiting to hear back from my surgeon, Dr. Anna Rodrigues.  It is human instinct to rush to treatment.  But since I am asymptomatic and feeling well there is no reason to rush for surgery.  In fact, treating too soon just bring the next occurrence sooner, trading away a month, or two or three when I feel healthy.  I will be a patient patient.  I promise to give updates in a week or two, as soon as my treatment plan is set.  

hugs to all, 

Michelle