Thoughts From the House-husband

I thought it was about time I wrote something on here. I know Kirby has been keeping everyone up to date with her treatment, but I thought I would take a moment to update you on everything else that has been going on.

Firstly, Kirby is handling this whole predicament exceptionally well. Without even trying, she’s given the kids (and me) a masterclass in resilience, determination, and grace. I have wished on many occasions that the situation was reversed and I could take on her pain, but there’s no way I could handle everything as well as she has. 

Kirby’s Mum, Debbie arrived from Tasmania last week. She may as well have been wearing a cape because she’s flown in and saved the day. Nyla and Scarlett have loved spending time with her and she’s been an amazing help around the house. My underpants have been folded for the first time in years… thanks Deb. 

Kirby’s GP, surgeon, and oncologist have all been excellent. But because she’s a nurse they often go down medical terminology rabbit-holes which sounds to me like another language. An observation I have made from my very non-medical perspective is that there seems to be no central coordination point for her treatment. There is no single ‘cancer doctor’ who manages it all – only specialists. So, Kirby has taken on that role and is managing everything superbly. A few times, Kirby has picked up on things that haven’t been quite right, so I have been grateful for her nursing background and attention to detail. 

It is obvious that breast cancer is not common for someone her age. Everyone we have seen has commented the fact that she is so young (and she revels in that). In addition, the type of cancer she has seems to be very rare and not one that has received much research attention in recent years. I expected someone to show us a chart and then declare that Kirby has precisely a 96.726% chance of survival, but this hasn’t been the case (I made that number up by the way). The doctors are all genuinely confident that the treatment will work, but there are no specific tests that give us a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ indication of how she’s going. So, we’re a bit blind in that regard. 

COVID has presented us with some additional challenges. Because Kirby’s immune system is so overwhelmed, a common cold would mean hospitalisation and a significant delay in her treatment. Catching COVID would be much worse. To that end, we’re not taking any chances. I am working remotely and the kids will be doing home school for the remainder of the year. We will remain in a Dan Andrews-esque ‘hard lockdown’ until she finishes chemotherapy. This will be particularly difficult for us when the ACT and NSW eases restrictions and everyone else goes back to ‘normal’. We will sadly miss the usual end of year festivities and catch-ups, but I think it will be worth it.

We’re working on our plan for next year and our move to Townsville. At this stage it looks like I’ll move up in January to start work. Kirby and the kids (supported by both her Mum and mine) will take a few months to recover before moving up to join me. If things don’t work out in the Army, I’m pleased to report that I’m quite an accomplished hairdresser… so there’s my backup plan.

I want to take a moment to talk about the support we’ve received and just how much it means to us. For years we’ve lived away from our families and due to my work in the Army, we’ve moved around a lot. We’ve made some wonderful friends all over Australia but we’ve never really established our roots in a place we call ‘home’. The messages from everyone have really made us feel loved and supported. It’s clear that we’re not alone and we know that so many people have our backs. People have often asked what we need and I’ve found that question particularly difficult to answer. Of course, there are day-to-day problems we face (like every other family). But the truth is, we have everything we need (except maybe a cure for cancer). We’ve very lucky to have friends and family like you and it means the world to us just to know that you’re there. 

The GoFundMe page set up by Paul and Kara Carter is something that at first felt very awkward, but has given us peace of mind when it comes to the additional costs we’ve run into along the way. The Australian health system has been wonderful, but there are a few things that have not been covered by our health insurance or Medicare. I want to be clear that we were/are in a stable financial position, so I hope no one is worrying about us in that regard. But at the same time, we are very grateful for those who have generously donated. It has eased the pressure on us and it’s meant that, for example, we don’t have to worry about Kirby’s lost income for a few months. It has also helped fund our children’s insatiable appetite for chocolate.

Once we get through the other end of this shitful experience, we’re both really looking forward to spending time with those close to us. I think the whole ordeal has given us clarity and perspective on what really matters in life. 

I have realised that ‘staying positive’ has nothing to do with tarot-card reading hippies and more to do with the stoic philosophy of only concerning yourself with things you can change. It is a worthwhile approach that I wish I had adopted a long time ago and one that I think has helped us through recent times. For those who care to read more on it, look no further than Wikipedia: 

“Stoicism is accepting the moment as it presents itself, not allowing oneself to be controlled by the desire for pleasure or by the fear of pain, using one's mind to understand the world and to do one's part in nature's plan, and by working together and treating others fairly and justly”.

…anyway, sorry about the Ancient Greek nerd-out there. If it makes it easier, you can redefine Stoicism as ‘Kirby Johnsonism’. She is taking each day as it comes and she is focusing on what matters and not wasting time or effort on superfluous issues outside of her control. I think she’s nailed it.

Kirby will send another update soon and let you all know how her treatment is progressing. Love to all.

Every setback is an opportunity.

Chris