Unnerving

A couple weeks after my accident, I had an itch on my right thigh. Unfortunately, I have nerve damage there and can't sense scratching. The itch hasn't left for five months... I keep scratching, but nothing happens. It's unnerving. It's such a mundane thing, yet I'm so thrown off by it. Sometimes mundane things are unnerving.

The physios gave me some impossible tasks today, and I was disheartened to think how possible they once were. I was thankful for a couple victories as well amongst the unnerving differences I noticed. This morning I had to complete a mobility index while Patrick and Alex argued over whether I could actually successfully lift my butt while laying on my back. "It doesn't say how high," Alex insisted, "so it doesn't matter if it's only a couple centimeters." I was happy for the points as I'd fail a number of the other tasks - standing up without using my hands for support, standing with no hands with my feet directly next to each other for ten seconds, standing with one foot in front of the other with my eyes closed for ten seconds.

That last one was particularly unnerving as Alex stood behind me and Patrick in front of me ready to catch me if I fell either direction. It felt so strange to secure myself with my walking sticks, look at Patrick, close my eyes, and loose all confidence in my balance even though I knew my legs had the strength to hold me and there were to therapists I trust keeping me safe. I couldn't lift my hands for more than a fraction of a second. Amazingly enough, that was far from the most unnerving experience of the week.

Alex insisted I need to learn wheelchair handling which is PT code for nightmare scenario. She took the safety wheel off the back of my chair during our session Tuesday and made me watch Patrick wheel himself up and down a small step before insisting it was my turn. I first practiced popping the front wheels up and holding my balance which is terrifying in its own right. Once I'd far from mastered but somewhat successfully achieved the single step, Alex took me to the five steps from the physiohalle to the main floor and made me pull myself up the steps balancing my weight on the big wheels with her behind for safety and Patrick in front for emergency. No sooner had I made it up and caught my breath than she told me it was time to go back down. I was nearly hyperventilating by the end. By far, my greatest motivator to walk again is to never have to do stairs in my wheelchair. I told Alex this again today, but she still insisted on taking me through the wheelchair obstacle course in the garden where the easy part was wheeling through loose gravel.

I'd rather walk, but that's still a long ways away. I'm working hard, and I'm cleared to walk the short circle of my station alone with my sticks, but there's a long road ahead still. I'm so grateful for the great successes and the news this week that the landlord has agreed to let me live in the apartment I visited. Praise the Lord, and please continue to ask for nerve recovery that restores function and feeling.