C Day

D Day has been re-named C DAY.

The night before C Day and I keep thinking about getting zapped in the head in my Anthony Hopkins helmet.  It is not a pleasant thought.  I hope I can sleep tonight...  I am not expecting any side effects after my first treatment tomorrow.  I am expecting side effects to come a few weeks later.  That is what i have heard from other people.

Radiation is at 12:15 and then the dreaded chemo pill comes in the evening before I go to bed.  I hate reading this side effects of what these can do to you.  The side effects are probably more scary than the process itself.  

Let me ask you this:  if someone were to tell you that a pill could make you either constipated or have severe diarrhea, wouldn't that make you PRETTY REGULAR?  That's what it makes me think!  I wouldn't wanna be really constipated, and I wouldn't really wanna have bad diarrhea...  But if I could have just a little bit of both I am thinking I would be pretty regular, and that sounds good to me!

I have my first post surgery hair appointment this week.  I am really excited about it.  I am probably more excited about my hair appointment than I am nervous about having radiation and chemo!  And I am sure my doctor is thinking, "Why are you excited about a HAIR APPOINTMENT?  That is something that might come out anyway!"  He assures me I won't lose ALL my hair, but I could be losing some of it around the area that they are going to do radiation.  So, I decided I can't fret over that any more.  Hair is just HAIR, and I've been told for years how fast my hair grows.  So I am just going to keep my fingers crossed that radiation doesn't stunt my hair growth.  I will just be happy to get some of these grays covered so that my fancy blinged out cane doesn't match my hair!  I will be happy to look a little younger while carrying my cane (which, by the way, all the silver haired ladies still ooooh and ahhhh over - I am afraid I am going to leave it behind and one of them is going to take it!).  Part of me is thinking - why waste the money for hair color, when gray is the color for brain cancer???  If I had breast cancer I would want my hair a little PINK!  So why not have my hair a little gray?  Gray is not that bad - it is a nice fall color.

I have received a lot of nice texts and emails today from people thinking about me and my first treatment tomorrow.  That makes me feel so good and so special.  Thank you for thinking of me.  But damn it guys, I am trying not to think about it!  And then I get these texts!!  :)  I am trying to get it out of my head, then all of the sudden "bing, bing bing" a text saying, "I will be thinking about you tomorrow...".  

I feel like i have done a really good job of not dwelling on it today.  But that doesn't mean I am going to get a good night's sleep and wake up all chipper tomorrow.  I told a good friend who works at the hospital, if he happens to see 2 older gals running down the hall of the hospital, one chasing after the other, it is probably just my sister trying to talk me back into the radiation room.  

Believe it or not - I am really not that afraid of tomorrow.  I know that sounds hard to believe, but it's really true.  I'm not really that afraid.  Sometimes I wonder why I am not really afraid, is it because all of this hasn't really sunk in yet?  I hope that is not the reason.  I hope it is because of all of the encouragement I have gotten from everyone, and that I truly do know what's going on.  

- I can make it through tomorrow with a smile on my face

- I can be a long time survivor of glioblastoma

- I can let a little gray hair shine through

- I can lose a little hair and still look like Nettie

- If anyone can SURVIVE I think I CAN

- I can't dwell on the statistics of this stupid disease

- I can't stop thinking about John McCain and his family and what they are going through

- I can't stop thinking about the people who have this and the doctors say they can't operate on their tumors because they are not in an operable spot.  I am so thankful that mine was (the photo included here is from 1 day after my surgery)

- I can't stop thinking about all of my family and all of my friends who care so much about me