The World Keeps Spinning |R2, D10| |6-3-16|
It doesn't matter what is going on in your life or anyone's life, the world keeps going like nothing happened. Like nothing IS happening. This last round of chemo kicked Mike's butt. He was in bed from last Friday until yesterday. When he finally got out of the house yesterday, he drove around to look at the crops, and came home absolutely exhausted. On Sunday, we had Reid's birthday party and Mike only had the strength to come outside to see Reid open his new John Deer Tractor. He missed the rest of the party, and it broke my heart. I know it broke his too.
I've had a hard time this week. He probably thinks I'm cranky with him, but it isn't him at all. It's just that when he is so sick, and struggling, and hurting, I feel so overwhelmed and helpless. There isn't much I can do to help him, and kids don't like to be put second. It all feels like too much, some days. Other days aren't as bad, though. I struggle between thinking I should get the kids out of the house and let him rest in quiet, and feeling like I should be home for him in case he needs something.
Cancer feels like it has taken our lives and grabbed the reigns. I don't feel like we are in control anymore, and I hate it. I don't feel like I know who I am, where I'm going, or when. I can't think. I literally, cannot think, some days. I go to the grocery store and get home with 6 things, 2 of which were what we needed, and none of which can make more than one meal. Where did my brain go? I'm not the one getting chemo, but I feel like "Chemo Brain" has taken over my brain too.
Sometimes I get these random messages from people that I haven't heard from in years, or sometimes just months, and it makes me so happy. For that moment, I get to forget the chaos that I'm drowning in, and be so happy. I love that people are so thoughtful. One friend texted me and reminded me of the person I was a long time ago. The girl who loved to design houses. Maybe someday I'll get to jump back into that passion and make it part of my future. Another friend whom I worked with years ago sent me a random snapchat of her pregnant belly yesterday. I didn't even know she was pregnant. It's little things like that that help me get through each day. I love to see the joy that's out there in the world. A world that I don't feel like I belong in anymore. I know that happiness will come back to us, soon. I know that being patient hasn't ever been one of my strengths, though.
Tonight I am participating in Relay For Life in Topeka. Mike's friends put a team together and are walking in honor of Mike (along with many others!). I am excited to be part of this. It has been an honor to help raise money to find a cure for cancer. I hope that it's just the inspiration I need to put some pep back in my step.
I told Mike that I want to go somewhere with the kids this next week if he's feeling better. Before his scan though, just in case that doesn't bring the news we are hoping for. We'll see where the road takes us, I guess. I have a feeling I have bigger expectations for a destination than he does, but we'll work it out.
XOXO
Robin
Comments (6)
Oh Robin. I can only imagine what life must be like for your sweet little family. I know we don't "know" one another but you touched my heart so on IG many months ago with your kindness and I only wish I could return that warm feeling you gave me back then. I pray for you and Mike often and enjoy reading your blog. I am glad you found this outlet, which I'm sure is helpful in keeping your sanity. Praying for you diligently and I have a feeling your outing next week will happen and that it will be a great day for you all! Xoxo Selena
Good morning Robin and Mike You explained what you all are going through so well. I bet you can't think most days, and understand the kids needing you to do normal things, but understand you feeling torn. You and Mike are giving each day all that you have to give to get through this, and so are your parents. People go on with their day, but we all are in your corner and Pray some day soon your life will once again be free of the cancer chaos. My husband Mike, always ask about your Mike, and wishes he could do something to help him out. Thank you for the update Robin, and know we all care about your Hearts!
Think of you often... I'm sure it has taken over your life, but I know you will get through this. You are a fantastic person and mother. God's plan is unfolding- patience is a virtue! Much love and prayers!
I cry tears of pain along with you, bringing back so many memories. You're absolutely right -- when something bad happens in your world, it's weird that the entire world doesn't stop with you. I hope you all have a relaxing, fun, getaway because YOU DESERVE IT!!! Love you to the moon and back!
I thought of you and Mike when I read this the other day! " For I am the Lord , your God, who takes hold of your hand and says to you , Do not fear; I will help you ! It is a challenge to have blind faith but if I know anything , it is God will get you through all things , if you have faith and believe . May the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way . Continued prayers and thoughts , Judy & Larry Strathman 🙏🙏💕
Ya know, we've been gone from up that way fer near 5 yrs now and I gotta tell I don't miss Atchison one bit.. BUT I DO miss some of the people there and Mike is in the top 5 ! I don't believe I ever met you but it seems Mike did real good findin a great wife. This is one of the rare times I wish I was still close so at least I could visit y'all and most probably get the boy laughing with all my dumb ol stories ! I pray fer y'all ever night on the way to work and really believe that this thing gonna be ok , so keep yer chin up and know ol Johnny boys is thinking bout y'all .