Going Through The Motions. |12-4-16|

Numbness.

It can be a good thing, and it can be a bad thing.

I feel a certain level of numbness that I think is there to protect me from all of the feelings that are circling around me, threatening to take me down. I will win this fight. The emotions will not get the best of me, no matter how hard they want to tear me apart.

Wednesday started our daily commutes to KC. Thursday was day 1 of 4 for Mike's cell generating shots. He thought he was getting one shot a day, for 4 days. When he got to the clinic, he said it was like he ran into Paul Harvey and got the rest of the story. He wasn't getting just one shot, but 4 shots, every day, for 4 days. For a guy who HATES needles, this was tragic news for him to take. On Friday, he also had to get a CT to line him up for radiation. That involved tattooing him...which involved 7 needles. So his count for the day was 11 pokes, and he was not exactly happy about it.

Today was the last day of "Phase 1". He has been in pretty bad pain from all of the new cells generating in his bone marrow. When his counts were low in the past, from the chemo, and he would have to get one of those shots (Zarxio) they would always ask him if he wanted pain medication. He always denied it. Didn't even want a prescription. Now, when he's getting 4 shots a day, and he's in pain, and asks for pain meds, they act like they don't want to give him a script. It really ticks me off, if I'm being honest. The 2nd day, they told him they would have a script waiting for him when he got there Saturdady. Well, guess what? No script yesterday.

Luckily, I was able to find some that he still had from one of his surgeries, so that has gotten him by. I hate seeing him hurting. He is the strongest man I know, but I would trade places with him in a millisecond if I could.

A lot of pressure is hinging on tomorrow. The beginning of "Phase 2". He goes in at 7am to start his stem cell collection. They told us to expect to be there for most of the day. If they aren't able to get enough cells, they will give him another shot called Mozobil to generate more cells. Our biggest fear, (and the doctors') is that his bone marrow has been too damaged from all of the chemotherapies, and they will not be able to get enough stem cells to do the transplant.

They collect approximately 2.5 million stem cells. I hope, hope, hope, they can get all of that in the next couple days. Some people finish collection in 1 day. Some people take up to 4 days.

The radiation team is all ready for Mike to start treatment as soon as he is finished with the stem cell collection. Whichever day he finishes that, he will start his radiation treatment the next morning. He will get radiation for 10 days, twice a day. Usually it will be at 7am and 2:30pm. This will make for some long days hanging out in KC. We haven't figured out what we will do in between the treatments, but I'm sure it will depend on how he's feeling.

This month already feels so crazy, and things are just about to get even more hectic.

To add to the madness around here, we have all come down with nasty colds. We tried so hard to keep Mike healthy, but that darn cold virus is just unstoppable. I have been sick the last few days, and I'm feeling awful that I haven't been able to be around Mike other than driving him to his appointments. He has been secluded in his room, and the kids and I have been trying to keep the noise level down so he can rest. So far he hasn't had a fever, which is what we're watching closely for. I am so hopeful that he will still be able to go through these next phases despite the head cold.

I'm so tired. Not just from being sick, but that isn't helping. I'm also so thankful for the friends that have been here to help us out recently. It's funny how in the beginning of a diagnosis so many people jump up and want to help. And they do. And it's so wonderful. But it's the really special people. The true friends that stick it out through the entire journey. Some don't last that long, and that's ok. That's how life is. People come into our lives when we need them, and then leave, and instead of being sad, I have to remember to just be grateful for the time they were there. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though. On the flip side, some friends hang out, cheering quietly from the sidelines, in the beginning, and then when they see you struggling from the exhaustion, from the marathon we are still running, they tag in, and help lift me up. Thanks, Jen, for the dinner a couple nights ago. You came in and saved me just when I thought I was going under. Friendships like that fill my soul up with hope and love. I'm so thankful for my friends that have been there in any capacity. Short term, long term. I just couldn't do it without them.

I've had friends duck out of our friendship because they just felt overwhelmed. I get it. This is a lot. It's a lot for me, too. But I hope someday, if they find themselves faced with trials in life and they need a friend, I truly hope I can be the friend that I have needed. I know I don't get invited to much anymore because everyone assumes (correctly) that I probably won't come. But I hope some people know that I will always want to be invited. Not forgotten. Because this isn't a forever thing we're going through.

Today I'm learning to be at peace with all of the things I cannot control. I can't control so many of the things around me. I hope I can continue to accept life as it happens. I have my beautiful family all under the same roof, and so I have nothing more to ask for tonight.

Well, maybe I would like to ask for some positive vibes sent our way. I could use a little boost. And some Nyquil.

XO

Robin