Day 162...

What to say about day 162?   On February 23rd we were sitting in a hospital room at Regions hospital in St Paul.  Shannon and I sat there knowing in our hearts what the doctors were going to tell us but to actually hear that the words “locally advanced tumor” is not something you can every fully prepare yourself for.  So here I sit alone at The Mayo Clinic in a similar looking hospital room waiting for news of another kind reflecting on the past 161 ½ days.  This day seemed impossible to get to and now that day seems so far away.  And in a way it is.  Shannon and I have traveled a lifetime together in the past 5 months.  Lots and lots of dark hard times, pain, grief, sadness, loss, anger, joy, gratefulness.  Hopeful and hopeless all in the same breath.   

The trials and tribulations that I have had to watch Shannon endure would be enough to crush anyone’s hope and yet when I looked into her eyes I saw a glimmer of hopeful and then when she could see I was cracking she would put her hand on my cheek like only she can do and say “don’t worry, I’ll be ok”.  It was this hopefulness in her eyes, her heart and her will to fight that allowed me to do the best I could for her.  Keeping her on track with her medications, appointments, consults, asking a million and one questions, taking notes, advocating and ultimately getting her to Mayo. 

I was asked by someone after we got the good news about her response to the chemo and chemo-radiation what was the thing that I thought made the difference?  There isn’t any one thing that I can put my finger on.  There were so many things that needed to go right to get to day 162.  Catching the cancer, right hospital, right oncologist, getting the apartment, changing the treatment plan, Shannon’s response to treatment, not having to stop treatment due even though she had so many health hurdles and side effects & most important Shannon didn’t give up when the days were the darkest.

Since I started this journey I knew that this was all a game of percentages.  If I could do enough things to stack enough percentage points in Shannon’s favor instead of the cancers she would have a chance to beat it.  1% here, 5% there, ½ a percent on something else and then 10% was taken away with a complication and I would need to start over.  I just hope that all of little things add up to enough when the finally tally is counted. 

The hardest part about today is that if the chemo doesn’t go well or you have to many side affects you can stop, same with radiation.  With the surgery Shannon is having you really only get one shot at getting it right the first time.  Also one of the biggest emotional issues is that there will be scars.  Not just emotional ones but ones you can see that will be a daily reminder.  Hair grows back, you feel better from chemo but today is a life changing day in another way entirely.  All our eggs in one basket, we made a leap of faith that this was the right place for Shannon to have her surgery.  I know that she is in the best hands in the country.  It doesn’t get better than Mayo but that still doesn’t take away all the fear and worry.

That is what made this morning so emotional for me was knowing that I did everything that I could do for her to beat this and now it is up to the Doctors and Nurses, The Mayo Clinic, Shannon and God.

I’ll put a post once Shannon is out of surgery and I have spoken with the doctor.  

13,910,400 seconds
231,840 minutes
3864 hours
161 days
23 weeks
43.99% of 2016