Silence

During my battle I have made a conscious effort to determine my weaknesses and steer clear of them. The goal has been to focus on what assists me with the fight and not judge myself - just to go with it. Through this process I can say without a doubt silence fucking sucks and is crippling. Sitting alone on the subway, in the back of a taxi, on an airplane alone, in the shower, and in bed, my mind goes directly to the worst things possible. Why me? Did I do something extremely awful in my past life? How much can one person handle? I have fucking cancer! I cannot do this anymore. I just want a break. When is the nightmare going to end? Why am I such a weak person. Pull it together! Why cannot I give more to my friends, family and company? Stop crying in public! How much more can I ask of my selfless husband? Please don't let him leave me. Your kids deserve a strong brave mom.

I have not figured out how to get through this evil silence that won't stop breaking me down, but I know it doesn't last forever. So I will continue to count down the minutes on the subway, wash my hair faster, attempt to have conversations with the stranger next to me on the plane, and most importantly remind myself I am stronger than this fucking evil cancer and I will win.