Watch out what you wish for

I am one week into my second batch of my new chemo with only two treatments to go.  So the first treatment Michael, my chemo nurse, told me was called "red devil".  If that is "red devil", this one should be called "electric shock".  The red devil provided lovely side effects such as nausea, tiredness and anxiety.  This new concoction is the devil's work.  So the day of chemo and the day after I feel like a million, no wait, a billion bucks!  Thank you steroids.  Once chemo is done and all day Friday I completely forget I have cancer and chemo, except when I look in the mirror and see my bald beautiful head.  I can do everything any healthy human being can do.  It's an awful dirty trick of this evil cocktail.  Then good ol' Saturday rolls around and bam - the sharp shooting pains continue and don't stop.  Dr. Amir told us 20% to 30% of patients my encounter this, and of course, I fall into the 20% to 30%.  Where do these pains occur you ask? All over . . . fingers, toes, butt, head, arms, hands, feet . . . no inch of my body is sacrificed.  As I am typing right now, my fingers are getting attacked.  When do these pains occur?  Well, if you must know - all the fucking time!  We started with Tylenol 3 for pain.  Then the doc increased us to Percocet, and now we are trying something that works neurologically as he believes it has something to do with my nerves.  It takes about three days to get up to the full dose on this third round so fingers crossed.  As for now, Greg gets to listen to me complain nonstop about the pain, and watch me lay on the couch in tears at night, as early evenings are just miserable.  He tries his hardest to help, but nothing works.  He just rubs my head and I cry until my sleeping pills kick in.

The positive . . . ha, you know I am required to find the positive in this awful electric shock . . . only two rounds left!!!  So I would say five or six more weeks of this awful pain to leave my body.  See, I was complaining so much about the damn red devil and I should have just did what I tell lots of people to do "Suck it up butter cup!" But no, I was doing the happy dance during the last round of red devil.  That's how life is, right? You go through something tough or rough and feel likes it's unbearable.  You of course, get through it, and then bam life hands you something so much worse down the road.  Or how about this?  Most can relate.  We sit there and complain about our current job or employer.  They don't pay us enough, they work us like dogs, big corporate sucks, the list goes on and on.  Then some of us jump ship to another job or company.  All of a sudden we are at this new, supposedly better place, and we find ourself in the same predicament complaining about the same things we just left, or like me, it's worse than the last place (or cocktail).  The good ol "grass is greener" analogy.  As I sit here and tell you how awful this new chemo cocktail is, and how I wait until my kids are in bed to hold back my tears, guess what, I am sure the bilateral mastectomy is gonna suck it big time.  So today I decide I am gonna take heed of my own words and suck it up butter cup :)

Good new good news on the treatment front.  The surgical oncologist at Cornell approved of my new surgeon's recommendation of a bilateral mastectomy.  So PMH passed, and we do not have to think of any crazy things like getting treatment elsewhere or in the US.  Also, there was a cancelation and I got my 21 gene panel test done this week.  We get the results in about a month or so.  The reason we needed this was because of the triple negative diagnosis and all the cancer on my birth father's side of the family.  So for now, we finish chemo, give my body a rest for four to six weeks, and then get the bilateral mastectomy, with reconstruction to follow.  This could change based on the gene panel and the pathology report from the mastectomy, but for today, we have a plan!

And, fun fun plans ahead.  We are leaving tomorrow to go to Wisconsin for a long weekend, which includes the casino, 25 year high school reunion, and a "Celebration of Life" with family and friends.  I may be in bed early or pretty loopy but what more could a girl ask for!

Lastly, thank you all for the donations for my upcoming Relay for Life.  If you have not donated already, I would appreciate your contribution.  I am close to my goal, and if anyone knows me, my plan is to blow my "goal" away . . .

http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=6830472&pg=personal&fr_id=20322

My parting words . . . 

"Watch out for what you wish for."

"The grass is not always greener on the other side."

"Anything worth anything takes work and isn't easy."

"Everyone is dealing with something."

"Go Cavs!"