My emotional cocktail

As I sit here taking in my second to last chemo cocktail at PMH, I am full of mixed emotions.  It seems since I have been back from from our amazing trip to Wisconsin this continues to happen to me.   Yesterday I took the train and subway into the hospital and the office and I expected to continue my high from our trip, but no.  It was the opposite.  I was a complete wreck.  I kept crying and feeling fed up.  I was sick and tired of having to spend my days like this - hospital, works, home (nothing else).  I couldn't take my strong pain pills to maintain my pain level, otherwise I would be too loopy to be in the office.  I had to get up extra early to go to PMH for a blood draw so I didn't have to do it early in the morning today.  I was just feeling completely sucky (wow I think "sucky" is a word - it didn't autocorrect).  So on my train ride with my mask on I continued to get stares.  I couldn't tell if it was my crying or the mask that makes me look like I am contagious with some rare disease.  After the train I had to take the subway and after I swiped my pass to go through the turnstile some woman comes barreling through to exit through the same turnstile.  As I started going through she told me to "get the fuck out of the way".  I was shocked and I just stood there, so she had to push me out of the way.  The whole trip I was zombie like so this just put me over the edge.  I finally got on the subway and just cried.  I got to PMH and gave blood, and then got back on the subway and spent the day in the office.

Just so we are clear, the entire trip, including the altercation (I don't think this is the right word as it was very one sided, but anyways) is a small deal, but at that very moment it all felt like a big deal.  However, as I went through my day I had some time to reflect.  The actual events of my morning were definitely a small deal, but the decision I was finally able to make was a big deal.  I have been mentally tortured trying to determine if I should go on Short Term Disability (STD) or keep working.  I only have two chemo treatments left - I can do this.  However, this new chemo cocktail is kicking my ass physically, and there are no more good days - just mostly bad days.  I feel guilty that I am working and not taking care of myself, while at the same time feeling guilty I am not there for my staff.  But something happened as the day progressed that just made my decision crystal clear to me.  I need go on STD.  I cannot mentally make the right decisions for my company and my staff because I need to be on strong pain pills to function . . . I cannot physically make it into the office on public transportation . . . I am human . . . I need to focus on me . . . I am on an aggressive chemo treatment . . . I have cancer.  I need to go on STD.

How do I feel today about my decision as I sit hear getting juiced up on my chemo cocktail?  Am I relieved?  Am I happy?  Does it feel like a weight has been lifted?  Nope.  My career and work have defined me for many years so I would be lying if I said yes.  I did not have a real maternity leave when the children were born, as we adopted, so I have never been off of work for a long period of time. Also, there is so much going on there, that I feel I need to be there.  I know I know, they will go on just fine without me.  But as you know, these are natural feelings us humans have if we truly love our careers.

But remember I said I am mixed with emotions? Outside of the guilt and sadness I am feeling with the decision to go on STD, the stronger feelings are happiness, being grateful, feeling loved, and feeling fortunate.  Really?  Look at my life!!!  I have such an amazing career working for a caring and supportive company.  We have over 30,000 employees in 54 countries, and we are the largest publicly traded property and casualty company in the world!!  Yes, the world.  And the Chairman and President got me into one of the best hospitals in North America for a second opinion.  My leaders in Canada have been so supportive throughout my entire journey they have brought me to tears several times.  My coworkers and peers continue to amaze me with their love and friendship.  Wow. Just takes my breath away.

Okay, so outside of work it gets even better! My support system is over the top.  I have the best family and friends a gal could ask for.  This weekend was such a reminder.  Throughout the years, I may not have been the best aunt, sister, cousin or friend.  I may have missed a few birthdays or special occasions.  I may have not returned a couple phone calls throughout life, but you all never judged me for it (or at least have not told me to my face :).  You loved and continue to love me for me, and understand that life gets in the way for all of us.  We don't need to see each other all the time, or respond to a call or text within ten minutes.  Our love and friendship endures.  That's what a true friendship does.  It makes room for life outside of the friendship.  This weekend proved that once again my friends and family are the best ever!  Without everyone one of you in the US and Canada, there is absolutely no fucking way I could have been as strong as I have been through this cancer journey.  I love you deeply, and thank you from the very bottom of my heart for all you put up with and do for me.  I really mean it.  I am one lucky gal.

Now my diagnosis . . . talking about being the luckiest gal in the world!  I have cancer yes, but I am at one of the best cancer hospitals in North America - PMH.  I have an excellent medical staff. And I just have breast cancer.  Please, please don't take that the wrong way.  I am not downplaying breast cancer at all.  However, I am grateful it is just breast cancer.  It has not spread, and that we caught it early as it is aggressive.  As I spend a significant amount of time in PMH, I always look around, and chat with people.  It gives me a big reality check.  There are many people at PMH that have it much much worse than me, and my heart just aches for them.  And outside of PMH, I continue to see friends and family endure such tough hardships.  It may not be cancer, but everyone has something.  As I hear the stories or see things first hand, I am reminded of all the gifts I have been given.  Even when that woman swore at me yesterday, I just thought about her and to make someone respond like that, she must have a story that's not so good.  You may have heard me say this before, but humans are innately good people.  So I try to remind myself when someone treats me like that, there has to be a reason.  Don't get me wrong my first gut reaction is "asshole", but after a few hours I reflect back on the incident and feel bad for her.  Something is obviously not so great for her. And if I am completely wrong . . . then I always got karma ;)

Lastly . . . you always have to save the best for last :)  My three biggest gifts I will ever receive in my life.  In order of youngest to oldest . . . Ayden Michael, or as I like to call him "Boogie" my sensitive, handsome, loving little angel.  Oh my gosh.  Talk about amazing intuition - when you need some love he knows it and provides it large quantities.  I look into those little hazel eyes and just melt.  There have many days I have been so sick, and he always comes to ask to cuddle with me.  Those cuddles make all things better.  On the days I am feeling good I get to be the "boss" and help him fight the bad guys.  In my best "boss" voice we pume (don't know how to spell that one) many bad guys together.  What a treat.

Miss Abigail RuthAnn . . . our "Peanut Butter".  Boy oh boy, are we going to be in trouble with the boys when she gets older.  Such a gorgeous little angel.  She continues to amaze me on a daily basis.  She is so smart, caring, beautiful and just loving.  When Abbey and Ayden were put in separate classrooms, the first couple weeks, in the middle of the day Abbey would open the door to Ayden's classroom, walk in, give him a big hug, and then leave.  Talk about melting your heart!  She is such a caring, nurturing little girl.  On days when I was vomiting lots, she would bring my puke bowl over and rub my head for me.  She also loves to rub lotion on my dry hands for me.  She is so good at taking care of her mommy.

Oh my Greg Christopher, my baby cakes, my love of my life . . . talk about a selfless man.  I know I have said some of this before, but more people should continue to remind people how amazing they are.  So I will remind you (and him) how lucky I am to have him.  We have two five year olds, a one year old puppy, two kitties, a house we just bought, and a sick wife with cancer.  Talk about having your hands full!  As I said before I get to have "give up" days, but Greg never gets a "give up" day.  If I am feeling awful and sick and just go lay on the couch.  If he feels sick or exhausted he gets to take care of me and the kids.  Doesn't seem fair.  There are many days I feel like he has it much worse than me.  Really.  Think about it.  When people talk about couples going through hardships and getting closer and their relationship getting stronger, I am experiencing it first hand.  This cancer thing makes me love him so much my heart aches.  He is my rock and I know I could never live without him.

Wow, this writing thing really is cathartic.  I feel so much better, and I have gotten through a couple hours of my long chemo day.  Thanks for reading and allowing me to feel better :)

I am only 14 days away from last chemo day now, and 15 days from my day of celebration of chemo completion at the WICC Relay for life.  I have passed my financial goal, but again, looking to blow it out of the water, so if you have not done so already, I would really appreciate your support.  If you have done so already, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Obviously this is a personal crusade for me now.  My link is below if you would like to donate.

Thanks, and lastly I ask of you today to smile and tell one person "I hope you have a great day." :)

http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=6830472&pg=personal&fr_id=20322