S.T.D. and I am not talking about a sexually transmitted disease

My first full week of short term disability is officially in the books.  I know you are dying to ask me how it went.  Or if you know me well do you think you can guess how it went?  Let's make it a multiple choice:

A. Absolutely great.  I spent my time with my angels, cooking, doing crafts, and reading books.

B. Okay.  Spent some quality time with the family, but secretly missed work.

C. Very productive.  Unpacked many boxes and got organized after the big move.

D. Awful.  Spent most of the time depressed and in pain.  But one day worked on a project that my employer gave me a thank you but you should be resting and taking care of yourself response.

My guess is most will choose B.  My personal goal was C.  The kids would be in school most of the day, and as we just moved I really wanted to make a major dent in the unpacking and get our home in order.  What really happened and is still happening as we speak is D.  I am pretty depressed and have spent a majority of the week managing my pain.  The reason I took STD was due to the pain, and pain there was. Depressed?  Depressed?!  Why should I be depressed?  After my last blog post I outlined all the reasons I should be grateful and love life, which are all at home!  And come on, I worked through six (6) of my eight (8) chemo treatments.  It was time for STD.  

Just stop and think for thirty (30) seconds.  Realistically D. is most likely what should have happened to me on week one of STD.  This week while we were managing the pain we were also attempting to cut down on the pain medication.  As I am getting close to the end of chemo I am attempting to slowly remove all the pain pills floating around my innards.  Okay, so pain is expected - no surprise.

Now during that thirty (30) seconds were any of you thinking, depression or maybe just sadness crossed your mind?  Because if you have known me for quite some time, you know I have been working since I could babysit and have a newspaper route.  Work has defined me.  Coming from below poverty and having the opportunity to work in an office taught me so many basic lessons - how to dress appropriately, how to speak in a professional manner, and how to present in front of an audience to name just a few.  As I continued to grow in my insurance career, my employment continued to play a more and more important role in shaping who I am today.  My writing skills were crafted during my years as an insurance broker.  As I continued to manage people my interpersonal skills were finely tuned.  I can safely say my career has made me at least 65% of the person I am today.

While I was busy creating BLG during my career, it was clear that much hard work and effort was required in order to get where I am today.  Nothing would or should be handed to someone easily.  A strong work ethic, lots of effort and dedication must be provided in order to meet or exceed your goals. So for the last twenty some years I have been working my ass off to take care of my family, which includes lots of overtime, sacrificing many many travel days away from my angels, and not too many days off.  This all leads to my depression today.  It took me a while to reflect and figure out what was wrong and why I was depressed.  Of course my husband keenly chimed in several times.  He's not only hot, but very smart (just don't tell him ;).  

So back to the depression . . . if you know me, you know how much effort I have put into my career, or you have just been clued in by reading above.  This is the first time I have ever taken a significant amount of time away from work in my life.  You may be thinking, but wait, you have two children.  What about maternity leave.  Don't forget, we adopted.  Short term disability does not kick in when your not physically disabled.  As we adopted no one was physically disabled.  I may have been mentally disabled from the adoption roller coaster, but unfortunately that does not qualify for STD.  So my time off, during our children's birth and first couple months was a bit of vacation mixed in with some unpaid days topped off with work from home.  This is the very first time, at age 43, I have been fully and completely off work.  Crazy.

As my career has played an important role in defining BLG, when I am not in my element, I am uncomfortable, edgy, and unsure of what do with myself which leads to my depression.  See . . . it all makes sense and it is very normal.  Any human being in a similar situation should feel this way for a bit.  This first week of STD, I should be depressed.

So this week I have been "S"ore and "T"horoughly "D"epressed. STD!  Don't worry my STD won't last too long.  I am not built that way.  It's not in my DNA.  I will however, allow myself enough time to get used to this new gig.  If it takes two weeks or a bit longer, that's totally okay and cool.  I will work daily to ensure this doesn't last too long.  I will take one step forward everyday that will slowly get rid of my STD while I am on STD.  I will learn how to focus on me and heal.  I will learn how to take time and just enjoy my children without worrying about my iPhone going off every minute.  With time and effort, all will be good in my mind, body and soul.  But remember, I know I must work at it, and it won't come easy.  That's life.  We only have one.  Cancer has taught me not to take that for granted, so I must sign off so I can take that one step forward today and go be the "boss" and play superheroes with my angels.

Oh wait, one last thing I almost forgot . . . remember that relay that's coming up this Friday.  Guess what?! I have surpassed my goal, and am almost at $5,000.  Wait, something cooler . . . I got a call, and they asked me to tell my story prior to the commencement of the relay.  How freaking cool is that!  I would love to hit the $5,000 mark before my relay chat on Friday, so if you have not done so already, would you be so kind as to donate to an absolutely magnificent cause.  Every dollar goes towards cancer.  No middle man or expenses.  The link is below, and thank if you have done so already :)

http://convio.cancer.ca/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFL_ON_even_?px=6830472&pg=personal&fr_id=20322