It's been great

Geez, it's been almost two weeks since my last post.  I don't like waiting this long to write, and I have so much to share.  This may be a bit long, so lets get to it!  The first thing I want to start with is an update on my treatment.  Some of this may be old news for a few of you.  If so, you won't hurt my feelings if you skip to paragraph 6 :)

June 16th was my last chemo treatment at PMH.  It was such a spectacular day filled with so many emotions.  For the last time I packed up my special bag filled with some of my most precious items - my latest copies of People Magazine (thank you Ana), one of my favorite hats (thank you Brenda and Macy), my new cool BLG t-shirt (thank you Nina), and most importantly, my Pop's cancer blanket.  Oh, I almost forgot, I also brought a cinnamon roll cheesecake we made for Michael and all the amazing chemo nurses (but mostly for Michael).  Greg and I brought the kids, which is the first time they have been with us during a chemo treatment.  They spent the day in the Magic Castle at PMH, which they absolutely love.  Greg then proceeded to sit next to me while I slept for 90% of my treatment.  This may seem very typical and not a point to bring up especially since if anyone has spent any time in the chemo ward, 70% of the folks are sleeping during chemo.  However, I have never slept even for five minutes during any of my chemo treatments, but that's not the reason I mention it.  You ever this happen to you . . . you are getting ready for a fun evening, an event, or something similar and decide to take a nap?  When you awake you find out it's the morning or you have slept through a majority of the event.  You know that feeling of being utterly disappointed and sad?  That feeling of not being able to go backwards in time to enjoy that event?  Well, that's exactly how I felt when I awoke and Greg told me I feel asleep for several hours.  This was my last chemo treatment . . . the last time I would have the opportunity to soak up my surroundings . . . the last time I was going to have the opportunity to sit and chat with Michael whom I adore. And I fucking missed it all.

As I have been nearing the end of my chemo treatment, I have been doing everything in my power to experience every emotion and feeling I can.  I also have taken many photos during my visits, as well as saved as many souvenirs as I can.  There are only so many life altering events a person goes through in their life, and this is one for me.  It's important for me to experience everything I can while having cancer and memorialize where I can.  I know a year from now I will have moved on, and many things during this major point in my life I will have forgotten.  

Okay, so back to my last chemo treatment . . . When I was all done with my treatment Greg went and got the kids.  I hugged my Michael tightly and we all walked down the hall to the bell.  This is the tradition at PMH when an individual finishes chemo they get the ring the bell to celebrate the completion of their chemo treatment.  Well . . . I rang the hell out of that bell.  I made sure every person on every floor could here me.  I rang the bell for my family, all my friends, the medical staff that gave me the best care ever, for me and most importantly . . . I rang it loud to give hope for all those cancer patients sitting in PMH still fighting the fight.  I can only hope that all of them get the opportunity to ring the bell.

Once all our ears were done ringing, Michael and I just stood there looking at each other for several seconds and then embraced each other even tighter.  I grabbed the kids hands and we walked to the reception area of the chemo floor.  I thanked the ladies at the counter and made sure they heard the bell (they told me to ring it loud so they could hear).  We then proceeded to make our way out of the chemo centre at PMH with tears in my eyes.  I know I will be back there soon, but my hope is it is only to see Michael to let him know what an impact he made on my life - not to get any more poison dumped in my body.

(Paragraph 6 for all of you that already heard the prior story - you can start reading here :) Okay, so what's next after chemo?  My bilateral mastectomy is scheduled for July 13th.  I will have both breasts completely removed and then tissue expanders and drains placed in my chest.  The plan is only to be in the hospital for a day or two and then come home and heal.  My days will consist of lots of sleep, lying around and Greg helping me empty my drains every now and then.  I believe I will also go to the hospital every so often to get the tissue expanders expanded.  This will be for about three months, and then I will have hopefully my first and last reconstruction surgery.

Will I need radiation or anything else?  I won't know about radiation until the pathology report from the mastectomy comes back.  If the doctor doesn't like my margins or they find cancer cells on my breast bones, then I may need radiation.  Also, if any of my gene panel testing comes back positive there may be additional treatment, but let's not worry about that right now.  Not worth the energy, and we will cross that road when we get there.  The good news - Greg and I may be able to take our long awaited special vacation by the end of the year!

Now that we are done with treatment we can move on to other items.  Next, the WICC Relay.  What a great night for an amazing cause.  Our Chubb company team came in second for fund raising I believe out of 40 some teams.  How cool is that.  And, because of all you amazing people, I ended up being the top fund raiser.  I didn't even have to resort to drastic measures like threatening to sing karaoke to you!  You just open your hearts and wallets and generously donated.  Thank you thank you thank you!!!  We took our kids and they just loved "the party".  As Abbey said to me recently, "Mommy we had so much fun at the party because now you have no more chemo.  And you got on the stage to tell people you were done with chemo and you rang the bell."  Yup, that pretty much sums it up.  The weather was spectacular, I gave me lil speech (which I think went well), we ran around the track a few times, ate some delicious food, and spent the evening hanging around a great group of people for a cause that will now forever remain near and dear to my heart.  Again, thank you for all the support. Really.

This blog post seems somewhat choppy; however, I have so much swirling around in my brain, I just need to get it out.  So if this does not flow smoothly, just bear with me.  I need to write, and the last item I want to touch upon tonight is my cancer journey.

I was recently in Philly for two days which was filled with golf, eating, drinking and hanging out with some of the most amazing women in the insurance industry - not too bad of a trip.  There were many faces I haven't seen in a while so lots of catching up needed to be done.  During this time, one of the things I found myself doing a few times while I was giving updates on my cancer treatment was saying "It's been great."  Once I would say it, I would catch myself and almost try to correct it like oops I didn't mean to say that.  Later that week, I actually had the opportunity to reflect back on these conversations while I was in my room resting (as there was no way I was in any shape to play much golf).  Why would I say "It's been great."?  Cancer is not great.  Chemo sucks.  1 in 4 people die of cancer.  I have been sick as hell.  I have had to put my career on hold - spent less time with my family.  This just doesn't make sense.  Why would this phrase come out of my mouth several times?  Was this just naturally coming out of my mouth because I was just not paying attention to the conversation and was done talking?  No, absolutely not.  There is no way I could have said it that many times with a smile on my face for me not to mean what I was saying.  As I sat in my room I realized, this cancer journey has been great.  Again, as I said in a previous post, please don't think I am intentionally diminishing the magnitude of breast cancer.  However, there are many individuals that have a cancer that is much worse than my diagnosis and may never get the opportunity to ring the bell.  I got to ring the bell, and fingers crossed, I am on my way to being cancer free.

During this event in Philly I had the opportunity to listen to keynote speaker, and one of her points was we all have on average 30,000 days on this planet.  When we are living our life we should remind ourselves of that.  That's it 30,000 days - maybe a few more if we are lucky or maybe less if we are not so fortunate.  So I think to myself lately - I have 16,000 days give or take to live cancer free (fingers crossed).  How fortunate am I to be able to experience the cancer journey and potentially have the opportunity to have 16,000 days to live my life with this new perspective that my cancer journey has provided me.  I know without a doubt this has been a life changing event, and I would be dumb not to take advantage of these remaining 16,000 days embracing all the life lessons I have learned this past year.

There have been so many life changing lessons which is one of the reasons I want to memorialize as much of this journey as I can - in case I forget how fortunate I am; what type of person I should be; big deals versus small deals; celebrating victories no matter the size; when you don't have control of something in life, you don't give up you just hold on and steer harder; don't wear a wig to make others comfortable especially if it makes you uncomfortable; every cancer journey is different which is exactly how every life journey is - different, so don't judge or assume; it's important to share the bad and not just the good as the bad reminds people we are all human, and we all have bad that goes along with the good; and on and on.  Cancer has made me a better human being and for that I am completely grateful.  So if you ask me how my cancer journey has been, I can honestly say GREAT.

I have more I want to write, but it's late, this is already a very long post, I am starting to mix my words up, and most importantly Ginger, our lovely cockapoo wants to go to bed.  So thanks for reading and all your amazing support.  I would not be this far in my journey if it wasn't for you.  Good night . . . sleep tight . . . don't let the bed bugs bite (or bite again for some of you - you know who you are ;)