7/21/15 Chemo #11 Last one!!!

Hello Fabulous Friends and Family,

Hope your week has gone well. You have been wonderful again with all your support and prayers. You’re all superstars to me. What a blessing to have each and every one of you! You make me very happy and your prayers have worked! God has heard them and has worked wonders in me. Thank you so very much for making this journey so tolerable!

My Monday was fabulous! Great news! Chemo #11 (yesterday) was my last chemo in this cycle (praying for no more cycles)!!!  So very happy news! (See the happy pictures posted above.) God is VERY merciful! I’m still wearing the 5FU (fanny pack chemo) but get it off tomorrow. Yay!!!! Then I get the saline infusion on Thursday to help with the dehydration. THEN I’m officially done with chemo. Cannot wait to rid myself of this “sexy” fanny pack. Loved the pictures you all sent me of your “secret” fanny packs! Yes, I know they’re very practical but they’re also annoying when you have to wear them for 46 hours straight. (But I’m still keeping my old one—practicality sometimes wins out over style—not often, but sometimes.)

My Oncologist let me finish with only 11 because the side effects are turning “toxic” as his nurse put it. Meaning, they’re not going away as fast. Plus, my tumor marker has somewhat leveled out. It was 9.7 this time. Yay! That’s down 0.8 from the last one. So glad it’s still going down, though much more slowly. Curious what it’ll be after this last chemo. Remember, 0-3 (considered the target numbers) are numbers that very few people are at—including cancer-free people. Pregnancy causes it to raise. Chemo can cause it to raise. Other things can cause it to raise. That’s why it can’t be use as a diagnostic tool for cancer. Too many variables. Each person has their own number. It’s used as a trending tool, meaning once you know you have cancer and get “your number” you want it to decrease. Mine has. Super happy!

So the side effects have started earlier this time, beginning last night. I was happy on Monday afternoon because I was riding the wave of happiness from being the last chemo. Thought it wouldn’t be until Thursday that I wanted to punch someone in the face for asking me how I feel. Nope, started today. Sigh.

This time they are stronger and have arrived earlier. I’ve got the red-faced chemo tan, and the nausea struck this morning. More prickly fingers, toes, and throat because of the cold (That’s 72 degrees. Ridiculous!Can’t wait to lose the jazz hands, fuzzy socks and long kitchen gloves! Notice the picture of me in full cold finger/toes gear. Hideous!) The floor is too cold. I have to wear slippers. It’s summer! This, too, is ridiculous to me. Plus remember the cramping hands and feet and parakeet face? Well, they’re back. But now it does it all the way up to my knees and from my hand to my elbows. So when I climb the stairs I slowly cramp up and look and walk in quite a ridiculous manner. Makes me laugh. Really it’s quite funny to watch. It’s lessened since last night so that’s good. I’d send a picture but I do have some self-respect left. And I can’t hold my fingers to show 3 fingers. The ring finger refuses to stand up straight…not sure why I’d need to hold up 3 fingers, but in case I do…I’ll have to do two on one hand a one on the other. And my hair. It survived the chemo. No wigs. Yay! My Oncologist said I should get a pixie cut—guess that’s the thing to do when my hair looks scary like this. There’s nothing pixie about me but I guess I’ll try it. I’m going to get it cut tomorrow. It seems silly to pay to get my hair cut when there’s really nothing there to cut. I could totally do it myself, I think. My family (especially my Mom) thinks I’m crazy. Which is probably correct. But I’m still considering it. Chemo brain! Either way, it could take two months to get my hair to start growing back. And hair only grows about a half- inch per month, so I’ve got a ways to go. Plus, many have told me that the hair can grow back differently. I’m expecting super gray and tight curls. Always something interesting (weird) to look forward to. 

Oh yeah. NOTHING tastes good. Everything makes me feel nauseous. I force food in me to make sure I’m getting some nutrition. Kefir seems to work best at the moment. But…on a plus side there’s the weight loss. Big cheer! I’d love to get down a few more pounds to my “ideal weight” and I know I won’t lose more after the chemo wears off. Plus, once I can eat again I know I’ll quickly put some pounds back on. So, the weight loss is a huge positive to the ick taste of food. Or, rather, the non-taste.

I officially started this whole “journey” in February, even though I was sick for months before that. This whole journey has reminded me of being pregnant: the nausea, the body changes, and the hormone fluxuations. (Oh yes, another side effect: acne. Good old-fashioned (to me) teenage acne. What a pain. I am so sorry for all the teens and young adults who have to endure it. It’s a pain. I think mine is exacerbated by my dehydration. So, drink lot of fluids!) Because of the pregnancy-feel, I’ve decided to go with that theme. I’m 6 months “chemo-pregnant” right now. It’ll take another month to lose most of the side-effects, or at last lessen them. Then I’ll give birth to a new me. . (My first two kids came two months early, so I’m going with that.) Yep, I never get to return to my pre-cancer body. It’s with me forever. So…the new me. What an ugly baby!

Hmmm. What else. Oh, yes, many want to know what’s next. I’m hoping by Saturday, most of the side-effects are gone. Not likely, but hopefully. I’m guessing it’s going to last a bit longer. I think I need to go back to pre-teen camp like I was last week. I was so busy and hot and sweaty (loved it) that I had very little nausea and never took a nap or even noticed the cold feet and hands. God was very merciful. (See the picture of me in my lovely wool socks and high boots.) Great to wear when walking in a creek in 85 degree weather!) I did have batteries that helped warm up the socks—the kids were very concerned by this. Those lasted 5 minutes. The creek was high so the water just poured over the side of the boots. I removed the batteries so I wouldn’t be electrocuted. Didn’t want to traumatize the campers on the first day (I wait for the last day to do that). Fun times!

Anyway, see I get easily distracted. I do so hope this chemo brain stops. Of course, I still have to deal with age-related brain fog but the chemo brain needs to go. Drives me crazy how un-smart I’ve become.

Yep, distracted again. Let’s see, what are the next steps in this journey? My Oncologist calls it the final cycle of treatment. That can be taken many ways. Hopefully, it’s meant to be good. So I start the cycle with a CT scan and lab tests in a month. Hopefully, the tumors have shrunk a lot more and my tumor markers have dropped, as well. That’s when I meet with my Oncologist and discuss any further steps. Like direct-radiation surgery on the tumors in the liver. He’s not planning to remove the original colon tumor. It seems to be just scar tissue now. But they may have me do another colonoscopy (oh, joy!) to see if it’d be worth removing. However, if they do the surgery on my liver, they may take the tumor out, if it’s still there, too. Hopefully, none of that will be necessary. I’m up for whatever removes all of the cancer that we can see (and hopefully God removes the rest). Plus, I’ve seen that others who have surgery, usually follow with a few more chemo’s—just to be sure that it’s gone. Guess I’ll have to wait to see which path I get to take.

Either way, I will have to do monthly port flushes to keep the lines clear and lab tests to make sure my tumor markers don’t jump and other numbers stay where they’re supposed to. Plus follow-up CT scans to be sure the cancer doesn’t develop somewhere else.

So, even though the chemo infusions are done (praise God!), it’s just the first phase of treatment. Not sure how long this goes on until I’m technically in remission. I’ll have the port for at least two years. (ugh!)—maybe longer if I have to do more chemo.

Wish this was just a short trip. I hate road trips! But this is a journey—a never-ending one. There have been a lot of hills and valleys but I’ve certainly learned a lot. Wish I could say that I am now an amazing person with lots of patience and amazingness. But I’m not. Got a little bit more patience—I think. But I still yell at my kids (Sorry Girls) and my husband (Sorry Scott) and my Mom (Sorry Mom). And get annoyed at ridiculous things. This changing thing is tough! I still often think, “What if this is the last time I get do/see/experience this?” But I'm more aware of the fun part of life. Life is too short for crabbiness (though I still got plenty of it!). “Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’!” I love that line from the movie the Shawshank Redemption. So, all of my Fabulous Friends and Family, let’s get busy livin’!!!