Saturday, 02/01

     A slight mix-up in scheduling.  Note to self:  Saturdays be at the facility to shower Caren by 8 am so Rick can take care of the boys!
     So, today was shower day.  That is not an exciting update to most.  To Caren, it is huge.  The whole process takes well over an hour.  It starts from Caren's getting up, a huge endeavor; preparing toiletries/towels/washcloths, etc.; setting up the shower chair with wedge pillow, bagging a bed pillow in plastic, and positioning it to support Caren's R arm; showering process; drying process; . . . till finally we are assisting Caren with dressing, and returning to her room.   This process, this whole process of bathing/dressing is not what bothers me.  I can be objective about this natural state of affairs.
     What bothers me most, as caregiver, is the immense amount of mental anguish Caren endures being cared for, losing the dignity of independence, feeling mortified and frustrated with her weakness - and her sadness over the whole affair. She is so very grateful for the smallest nicety.   And the pain.  I have the greatest challenge with the constant, carnivorous pain which eats at her every moment.  Today, it was almost too much, and I burst into tears, which caused Caren further anxiety.
     Some days I think if I ever start really crying, that I'll never stop.  How catastrophic it has been - this whole head-on collision.  What a roller-coaster ride.
     People tell me, "Remember self-care."   What does that really mean?  How does one even find 20 minutes alone.  How does one justify 'getting away' when Caren can not get away from her anguish and pain?
     I just guess, on this roller-coaster ride, that today was a downhill fall.  
     Caren definitely is not alone on this healing journey.  I believe we are all on the same journey, in different ways.
     I never did like roller-coaster rides, LOL

     Well, tomorrow is another day.  We'll cherish the 'up' moments, and count our blessings!
     Night!
     Jehovah-Mephalti