FROM CAREN, 04/06

 Apr 6th at 2:48 am

I am going to nutshell this whole experience from MY perception. I will use "they" so as not to use names.

Today I was told that there is a time limit I am allowed to vent or express how I feel about something or someone, especially if my emotion is anger or frustration about something and that I should control myself and express it later at a different time when it was ore appropriate 

Today I was told that since I was angry about something that was important to ME, that it made me "crazy".

I was told it wasn't a big deal to them so it shouldn't be to me either.

Today I was told because I wanted to finish saying what was in my head, whch yes, involved repeating it each time I was interupted, and was having trouble expressing myself in a positive way -that I was "out of control". I also felt worse and more frustrated because they were comparing me to other people's opinion's of me (who don't believe I am different in so many ways) - the very things they don't like thrown up in their faces were shoved into mine. I am not perfect. I WILL f*** up occasionally - but I don't agree that venting about something until IAM DONE WITH IT make me out of control.

Today I was told that everything about me and my "HOPE" crap was fake and wasn't real because I showed and expressed an emotion other than that.

I felt if I could just get my words out and have them understood then things would be fine. We couldn't find something that to ME was important to find.

I was told that I should learn to shut up and hold my tongue.

I was ignored and walked away from when I tried to talk and promises were broken to me which made me look bad to other people I made promises to. This also upset me which I expressed. I was told that this expression further proved I was "out of control"

I was told today they didn't want to speak to me hear my voice or hear anything I had to say .

Sometimes I feel like I am walking on a tightrope and there is not net to catch me. Sometimes I feel like I am not understood and that people just don't understand or "get me". 

I feel you CANNOT fairly judge a whole day or a whole night or a whole person by one situation - even if that doesn't meet their time frame of being able to express that emotion. All of it was verbal and I really wish I could get into it all so you understood what I was upset about - but the end result is really more important to me than the reasons.

There were a lot of buzz words and triggers being used towards me that only increased my anxiety. I needed to be heard and I didn't feeel I was getting that - so to me today was okay and I overcame a lot of fears and dealt with some pretty overwhelming information and situations - but the night was horrible and was rough - and here I sit feeling so alone.

To me, this does not make my belief in HOPE any less real or tangible. To me it just means something entirely different - and that doesn't change my focus or what fuels my ability to face each day - 

I do have problems with broken promises and feeling manipulated and feeling misunderstood.....this does not however mean that MYSELF or my BELIEF in HOPE are fake or some kind of sham......

that is all I can thing of how to express it.....

I am making every effort here - feeling like pushing the button for help is like spitting imto a deep dark hole. You dont see or hear it - but you know it's still there.