Monday night, 06/16 - or early Tuesday morning :-) - from Caren

PTSD or TBI symptoms??? I just don't know......I never really fully understood when my dad would have these "PTSD attacks" from his experience as a soldier. I know sometimes it felt I could barely live with him when he had his breakouts of PTSD expressions and we would all have to be quiet and wait for the moment to pass.....which sometimes took days. I don't want to become like my dad in that way and I am working hard to get better....to calm myself and keep "LIVING". I wish my brain would cooperate with my desires. It's like my new self is fighting my old self and I am caught somewhere in the middle. I know it is different....I was in a wreck and could never compare myself to this man (or any other solldier) who struggled/struggles to get through each day; he kept replaying the same things over and over in his head. There's the true difference. I don't remember the wreck though.....so how is it that I am experiencing these same symptoms in varying degrees? Does my body remember what the mind is not allowing it to?

I just don't remember so many things.....even on a daily basis with daily life. I have accepted I won't remember the wreck and have moved past that hope. Those memories are like a story in a book that was being written and just suddenly stopped; It is most frustrating and maddening. Some days I feel completely numb and apathetic to any emotion at all.....UNTIL I get in a vehicle and then there is a level of anxiety that develops that just about consumes my whole being. My mom was driving me to an appointment the other day and the person in front of us slammed on their brakes and mom had to hit hers too.....I immediately began to scream which felt like 15 minutes, but my daughter assures me it was more like 10 solid seconds......but I don't even know where it came from or why it lasted so long. I broke out in a sweat and felt like puking all over the place and the headache and dizziness that never fully goes away took a sharp and dramatic leap upwards......I then felt worn out....like I had been through a battle of some kind...just soooooooooooooo fatigued even more than the usual fatigue I now feel every day.

Where I used to love large crowds and noises and lots of people around me, I notice that I am having a tendency to withdraw from those types of things and places in general....just to avoid the anxiety of it all. I find myself being hyperalert in the vehicle which is immensely draining. Every little movement outside of us I am practically aware of it all and every bump in the road is a painful reminder to my ribs and body that there is no escpaing this pressure just yet. I am never giving up HOPE....but I do feel basically hopeless sometimes....if that even makes sense......not sure if that is even possible to feel and believe in HOPE and feel hopeless at the same time......I don't even know if I want to ever drive again. I don't even know why that fear is there because my memories are that I love driving and I really do miss the freedom and independence.

I don't feel ready though......I don't feel confident....something to talk with my therapist and PCP about more for sure.......I don't think I dream anymore either....isn't that weird? I used to dream, and in color so vividly as it would seem like I was awake....that was before the wreck. There are 2 dreams I remember since the wreck.......only 2....so many changes....

I got approved to ride Public Transit where they will pick me up in my wheelchair from home and take me to Dr. Appointments and bring me back home. I know this sounds silly but I am sooooooooooooooo scared to do this. However, as soon as we are able we will buy the tickets for it so I can face my fears and try to have some more independence......I need to face my fears and move on with life.