How Is Progress Measured? Coming Upon the ONE YEAR mark....

January 4, 2014 - January 4, 2015  Moments suspended in time that clicked by whether I was aware they existed at all.

January 4, 2014 The Wreck that changed everything.

January 10, 2014  When "I" remember waking up in the hospital and being so confused about where I was, what happened, and all of that.  Also the date of the 9th year of my father's death - the irony there is magnificently unavoidable to me.....and a second chance at life.

Spring 2014 Acquired a Medical Case Manager who was/is amazing.  They are still with me and I have a second case Manager now as well.

March 20, 2014 Released from NeuroRehab to go home per my request and assistance from legal counsel at that time.

March 24, 2014 Our 17 year old daughter attempts suicide at her Bio mom's house.  My husband takes her to ER after being called by said Bio mom.

April 5, 2014 Our daughter comes to lives with us full time.  My husband given full physical custody.  She is a mess and I feel so helpless to help her.....but gave her my best each day - which sadly was never enough by my standards and abilities then and now.

April 16 - If papa (my dad) were alive still he would have been turning 68 years old.

April 25th - My first appointment at MaryFreeBed Rehabilitation Hospital.- an initial sign of hope followed by 12 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy for PT, OT, Speech, and Psychology. Another experience altogether. Little did I know the Roller Coaster Ride I would take on the journey with this facility.  I am with them still.

May 23, 2014 my youngest Austin, turns 6 and still speaks of the wreck we were in together that I am still UNABLE to remember and am not sure why. I have to release the why's, be thankful for the seeming miracles, and move forwrard..

May through September - more Dr. Appointments, 2 surgeries, and the pain continues and my memory is quite lacking in a lot of things, yet other things are clear as mud too....lol....but hey....we can laugh about it a bit. I notice along with my short term memory loss is also my grammar and spelling mistakes which are prevalant daily now. Learning to adjust to my "new normal".

May 2014 sometime it is Mother's Day.  I don't remember much about it.  I know this sounds horrible, but there it is.  I also know I acquired a horrile pneumonia arount this time which took 2 or 3 courses of different antiiotics to get control over.....I was falling apart.

June 2014 sometime is Father's Day.  Not to worry,  equally unremembered at this date.  Perhaps if I keep asking questions that jog my memory, the memories will actually stick.

July 4, 2014 The very first year I detested the fourth of July fireworks and all that jazz as the noises were too much for me and kept me in a constant state of panic with each explosion.  However, needing to pretend it was okay for the joy of our kids took its toll as it was followed by a lot of sleeping.

July 7, 2014  Our daughter runs away in the middle of the night with the help of a friend (ultra short version)....Knowing what it would do to the family.  Police, National Center for Missing and Expoited Children involved, and various other agencies and professionals.  All the while the appointments HAD to continue.

July 2014 got full physical custody of Our son as well,  who was 15 at the time and has since turned 16,  The bio mom of our two oldest was planning to move out of State an 8-10 hour diriving trip one way (In August 2014)

July 14, 2014 Our daughter apprehended with a mental health pick up order that a Judge signed.  She ages out in the system and turns 18 on August 26, 2014. My husband is handling all this on his own as I am unable to drive, function independently, and am in daily and enormous pain.  This whole ordeal further challenged our family dynamics and level of stress.  All I could do was get from one day to the next. Him too.  Close to midnight I am reminded that this day was my mom's and brother's birthday and nothing was done for my mom and did I call my brother.  I am mortified.  How could I have forgotten such an IMPORTANT DAY.  Like legit forgot - it didn't even exist.  I was the scum beneath the shoe beneath the Earth and beyond.  Mom tried to say it wasn't a big deal..but it was TO ME.  I hated this new inability to remember things and coping with all the pain was insurmountable, and lack or regular function in general. 

End of July - my husband loses his job and a seeming loss with his mom, sister, and siblings in general grew wider, sadder, and again nothing I could do to help.....it was so frustrating.....not knowing what or how or when to say the words....the right words....the words that seemed to elude me and float like puzzle pieces in my brain.

Legal proceedings all through Spring and Summer in addition to all medical appointments, boys going to camp, and everything else at the same time......just pure madness from which I felt completely out of control to help with in the way I remember doing before the wreck.Everything was different.  I was different, but the same at the same time and I wondered if anyone noticed except for me.  Apparently, more noticed than I thought didn't notice.  I tried to act like the "Caren" I remembered in my words, thoughts which now ran like a thick slow oil....and it wasn't the same.

My PCP (if you need a good Dr. message me and I will give you her information) was a great advocate for me.  She is the one that prompted the BIG change in September - that and the support of my Medical Case Manager.  I refused to leave the Ortho place UNTIL they followed my PCP's numerous requests.  

September at Ortho Dr. - ALL previous fracture xrays taken.  CT Scan requested, scheduled, done with and without contrast.and GUESS WHAT???? 2-11 of my ribs were fractured originally and separated by 2 cm.  Now after that 12 weeks of intensive rehabilitation therapy the only rib that had healed was rib #2.- the rest still fractured and now crossed over each other and caving in towards my lungs......and scapula showed no healing.  Imagine that!!! 9 months of complaining of pain. No wonder I couldn't breathe very well.....but more on that later.  

September 20, 2014 would mark 11 years actually married and 13 years together.

September 30, 2014 our oldest son turned 16

Almost to the day one week before my surgery I get a package in the mail from a woman named Greta.  The other driver of the other vehicle who also cannot remember the wreck.  She had sent me an inspirational book at the most perfect time when I was I felt at my lowest point.

Octoer 7, 2014 Surgery had been scheduled for plating ribs and plating/rebuilding scapula....that is not quite what happened and will be covered in a later post.  I faced death in the face knowingly and by choice....much different than not expecting or remembering or choosing that experience for yourself.

October - Just before Halloween I get a surprise visit from my brother who travelled over 3,000 miles to see me. What a blessing he was - seeing his face and having him here to visit.  He helped our family a lot and that was just amazing.  I spent almost the whole month of October in the hospital.  So it was a relief to see him appear.  Halloween consisted of me passing out candy at the door with my mom's help, while I sat covered in my wheelchair....xrying as my boys went out for the first time by themselves without either parent available.  The hospital bed still in my room was an all too comfortable place to be that helped me absorb and control some of that pain. and maneuver myself around with the healing surgery marks that stood to forever remind me of this time in my life. 

Oh!  During this whole time of about 3 months my mom managed to break her elbow and then her foot.  What a frightening cry that was to me.

Thanksgiving came and there was a lot to be thankful for.  Christmas came and our daughter made it back home to celebrate with us and it felt wonderful to have everyone together again.  My immune system was shot and we all ended up with Strep throat (thanks for sharing kiddo - you know who you are lol).  I ended up in ER with my 12 year old the day after Christmas.  

Therapy continued three times a week sometimes more with ALL the appointments I had and that day was coming.....looming in the distance almost taunting me and cradling me at the same time.  The one year date of the wreck.

I then got a stomach virus, the Flu, and then an intestinal virus.  Not great combinations all the way around.  I was taking enough supplements and pills to choke a horse.

Then the ball dropped.  It was a New Year....2015 but it didn't feel like it.  It felt different........and then the 2nd came and I was all to aware of that one year mark - like the Grim Reaper waiting for me.

Then I got a card in the mail from Greta...you will remember the other driver.  It was fantastic and just what I needed; we were both struggling and celebrating our one year comraderie and bond that would keep us forever bound one to the other even though we never knew each other propr to the wreck......

Then here it was January 4, 2015 and I wondered how anyone could exist at all on this day - and life went on.  I was elated, disappointed in my lack of progress, yet pleased with my progress at the same time.  I had to ask my self....How is progress measured? Really measured!!!  I am healed in some things not in others.  So much has changed and I think of Greta every day and say a prayer for her, light a candle for her......wonder if she is going through the same struggles I am.

We did it girl.  Our first major milestone......ONE YEAR!!!!