1 Round Down, 5 To Go

Molly wrote her first love letter today. To her Daddy, of course. Not only was it her first time writing sentences, but she did it all by herself without asking me for help at all. My reaction? You all might want to sit down for this, but I cried. I know, I know. Get it together, Robin. I can't. I'm a crier. Have been all my life. Her Letter says: I wish you wor badr, Daddy. Hop you git badr. Love Molly. To Daddy. Translation for those of you not fluent in 5 year old's writing:  I wish you were better, Daddy. Hope you get better. Does it get any sweeter than that? On the back side of the paper she wrote, "You should get better. Sorry you feel sick." tears, tears, tears.

So today marked the last day of Round 1. Mike felt pretty good all day, except for being nervous about tomorrow and the weeks to come. I'm trying to stay positive and remind him how great it is that we've knocked out one whole round. 21 days in the rearview mirror. I buzzed his hair pretty short on Saturday morning, but tomorrow morning he wants to get rid of all of it before he goes back into the hospital. He keeps pulling at the stubble on his face to show me how it's coming out too. I keep telling him to leave it alone. I think he likes to drive me crazy, a little bit. He's been practicing that skill for 10 years now. It seems crazy to think that we've known each other for over 10 years already! 

Last night was a nice Sunday Family Dinner Night. His entire family was able to come to our house and enjoy my cooking. I didn't even have to use a recipe card. I cooked a masterpiece: Tacos, rice, refried beans. I burned the brownies though. Whoops. Skills- I have them. Just not in the kitchen. Mike loves Mexican food, so he was happy, and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow morning we report to the NKCH admitting desk at 0830. I don't feel as nervous as I did prior to the first round, but I'm sure by the end of this week, I'm going to be nervous for the dreaded week 2. Mike is nervous about all of it. He really hates being away from home. He also really hates being attached to the IV pole. I'm planning on staying overnight with him tomorrow night and then the rest of the week I will drive back and forth from home. I am so incredibly thankful for the people in our lives who are stepping in to help with the kids. This whole thing gets so emotional and tiresome, so to know that the kids are taken care of takes SO much of the stress off. I am more appreciative than I can tell you.

I have been thinking a lot the past couple days about the emotions that go along with this. I have been struggling trying to figure out exactly how I've been feeling and why. I just couldn't come up with the right words. I woke up around 3 in the morning with the thoughts knocking around in my brain. It hit me. I get it, and I can't do a thing about it. The hardest part about this is that I have felt emotionally lonely. Mike has always been my person to comfort me when I'm feeling sad, scared, nervous, anything. Everything. He's always on my side- my teammate and best friend. Not this time- it isn't the same. He's still my person, but he can't comfort my emotions like he could if we were tackling something that's on the outside of our relationship. I can't expect him to be the person to listen to me go on and on and dissect every thought or feeling I have about all of this. That would just scare the crap out of him. I can't tell him my deepest fears about him having cancer. But he's the person I've always talked (probably too much) about all the things I'm feeling, and now I feel like I don't have him to deal with this with me. Don't get me wrong, we are very much dealing with this together, but from very different perspectives. I also don't want to seem like I'm unappreciative of the fact that he's still here. Trust me, we still talk about a lot of the feelings we have, but there's always going to be that separation. I'll never know exactly what it's like for him, and he'll never know exactly what it's like on my side. That's a  really hard thing for me to go through with my husband. I've asked him and relied on him to comfort me, reassure me, and make me feel better through so many things in our life. I can't ask that from him right now. And that's what's making life feel so hard.

I've realized just how strong he's always been for us, and how now's the time for me to step in and be strong. I hope I don't fail him. My heart breaks for those who have lost their spouse. How can anyone understand your pain when that's the person who knows your heart the most?

So on that note, I'm going to have to go clean and pack and do all the things that I avoided all day so that I could just be present with the kids and Mike before we go wear out our welcome at NKCH.

XoXo

Robin