Hard Days and Daily Gratitudes

Some days are so hard. Some days aren't so bad, and some days are a combination of both. Some days feel harder for one of us than the other. Today was one of the combination days. It feels too complicated to explain sometimes.

Mike is still feeling pretty "icky" as he describes it. He said sorry that he can't come up with a better adjective. I get it. He looks like he feels icky. He can get up and sit at the table to eat dinner, but mostly, he's been in bed or the recliner. When he's up for very long his legs start to get really weak and sore. Hopefully all of this will start to disappear in the coming days.

For me, today seemed ok... until it wasn't. This week I've started getting back into a routine of going to the YMCA to workout in the mornings. Nothing crazy, just walking on the treadmill or shredding it up on the elliptical. Ha. Lately I realized that in the past 5 months through all of this, I feel like I've been forgetting who I am. I haven't been feeling like I'm taking care of myself very well and my crazy is starting to come untucked a bit. Time to get it all back in check. So, the mornings are going well, I'm sweating a little bit and getting my mind off of things, if even for 30 minutes. This afternoon things felt like they were starting to unravel though. I have been finding myself snapping at the kids when they're doing things that kids do. The fruit punch flavored water spilled on my white sheets seemed to send me over the edge, today. I needed to get myself together after I felt a sobbing meltdown coming on as I was trying to put the sheets back on the bed. I needed one of 2 things A) A time out or B) Chocolate cake. Since chocolate cake is partly to blame in the reason that I'm back at the Y, I had to go with A. I went outside and played fetch with Milo. The fresh air and the silly dog helped a lot.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with feeling like I'm doing it all that I lose focus. I really believe that we are what we think. When I let my thoughts consume me of "I'm doing everything and no one appreciates it in this house." It turns into a vicious cycle. I desperately needed to open my new and wonderful Daily Gratitudes Journal. A friend sent it to me last week and it has felt like a lifeline. I thought I would type out one of my entries. Because in all of the craziness of things that we are going through, it's having a grateful heart that makes me feel so much better. To write out a list of things I'm grateful for in a time when I could be getting caught up in feeling like I'm getting the short end of the stick, helps to center me.

So here was one list I made one day last week.... What I'm Grateful For ....

1. Skilled oncology nurses

2. friends and their random acts of kindness

3. chemo to kill cancer

4. family and friends to help take care of the kids

5. meals provided by friends

6. a generous and loving husband

7. my 3 beautiful children

8. a reliable car to get me home and to the hospital

9. the knowledge of the Pharmacist on the Oncology floor

10. a comfortable bed

11. health insurance

12. thoughts and prayers from all over the country. From family, friends, and strangers, alike.

13. a beautiful life

So here I am, at the end of a very long day, feeling emotionally renewed, and ready to sleep and try again tomorrow. Here's to hoping for a better day. One day at a time.

XoXo

Robin