Round 3, Day 11. Expect the Unexpected

Craig, if you read this one, grab your Kleenex.... or don't. But I warned you...

Mike isn't bouncing back as quick as he did the last 2 rounds, but that is to be expected. He is still describing it as feeling "icky". I wish there were something I could do to help him feel better. Feeling helpless is one of the worst feelings, I think.

This afternoon he had an appointment to get his blood drawn and change his PICC bandage. Usually it's a quick, in and out appointment. We were going to bring the kids and I'd just wait in the car with them, but his mom showed up so we left them at home with her. Isn't it funny how things work out...?

I texted my friend, Leslie, when we got to the clinic and she came out to chat with us for a little bit. It's so nice to see a familiar face and to chat for a little bit while we're in the waiting room. It definitely takes my mind off of things. While Mike was getting his stuff taken care of, I was trying to get our schedule figured out for the next few appointments. (We are still waiting to get the CT done.) He finished up and came to sit by me where I was waiting. He told me he was a little lightheaded and asked for some juice. I brought him an apple juice and then he stands up and says, "I need to lay down." I know this sign by now, and tried to hurry us over to the reclining chairs, calling out to the nurse, Erica, in the process.

Unfortunately, we didn't make it to the chair before he collapsed. Erica and I were able to easy his fall and transition him to the floor while they paged doctors STAT overhead. Mike was laying there, eyes wide open, not responding to me. I've had my share of patients pass out on me before when I worked in Radiology, but when it's your husband, it's a whole different ball game. I felt like everything happened so fast, and yet in slow motion. I'll never forget the look in Mike's eyes and the terror that flooded me. It seems a little silly now, because I know that it was just a drop in his blood pressure, but I thought he was going to die. I have never been more terrified in my life.

I found myself moving out of the way so the nurses, doctors, and paramedics took over with him. He was right there in the middle of the infusion center. A cool hand clasped mine and asked if I was ok. I looked down and was surprised to see that it was a woman who was sitting there receiving chemo, comforting me. I told her I was, and asked her if she was ok.

After he came back around and we got him sitting in the chair, eating, drinking juice, and hooked up to a bag of fluids, he got back to joking. He told the nurses and Dr. Sirridge, "I just wanted to give you guys a story to tell at Easter Dinner. You're Welcome!"

I texted Leslie and asked her if she had heard about the spectacle Mike was making out in the infusion center. She replied, "Poor Mike. I heard the doctor stat page to the infusion center and thought oh no, Mike passed out. I just asked our nurse what happened and she said a young guy in his twenties passed out."

I knew Mike was recovered when he laughed so hard over that one. He said, "Dang, I must have looked GOOD laying on the floor!" I told him he was the same color as the white pillow underneath his head. We are still laughing over someone thinking he was in his twenties, though.

Leslie texted me again to check on everything, and offered to bring me a coffee. I requested a shot of whiskey, but I guess they don't allow that in there. I needed something to steady my nerves a bit. I bet some other patients or their family members would agree with me. :)

The rest of the day I felt exhausted. That type of emotional exhaustion that you feel after a trauma. I know it was just an episode of passing out, but it felt so much bigger than that, in the moment. All of a sudden, the magnitude of him having cancer, and all of the possibilities of how things could go felt like a slap in the face. And I wasn't too fond of the reality check.

I'm so relieved that we were all able to have a nice, uneventful evening tonight. We all snuggled up on the couch and watched The Good Dinosaur. Have you seen it? Oh man....After crying my eyes out at that, I'm ready for a deep sleep. Hopefully the kids are on the same page as me!

If you made it to the end of this post, Craig, I'm sorry he didn't come over tonight- he was feeling a little wiped out.

XOXO

Robin