It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

I am not sure how it is possible that my year in Oxford was both the best year of my life and the worst. But as we jet out of UK airspace and I think back over all that has happened, that really is the best way to sum it up.  To Oxford and all my wonderful new friends -- I will miss you.  If I can just survive this and die a little old lady I will not be angry about my big scar; losing my hair; having my ovaries, uterus, and lots of other parts removed; entering (medical) menopause 10 years early; the trials of chemo; and missing 6 months of European travel (I know, first world problem).  Even with all those challenges, the love and support showered on me by dozens of new friends and the charms of Oxford made it a wonderful year.  

Porlock, I am glad you are dead and buried. And I don't mean buried figuratively! Thanks to Vicki and Allen for facilitating a funeral. (pictures to come) The ritual of banishing Porlock to a soggy shallow grave near the banks of the Thames has helped me leave him behind. Porlock, you were unwelcomed in my body. You are dead and I am alive. I am stronger than you and I will survive.

Now that I have basically fully recovered from surgery and 6 months of chemotherapy, the next phase of my cancer battle is mental.  I need to live without letting the fear of cancer's return invade my thoughts and ruin my days. After my diagnosis there were many weeks when I was so mentally distraught, the stress and anguish were debilitating. I woke up regularly with cancer nightmares. I could not be quiet with my thoughts for more than 5 minutes. Until recently I could not read!  The words on the page blurred into "I have cancer! shit, fu*k, fu*k, I'm going to die in my 40's, I have advanced ovarian cancer -- high recurrence rate, low survival rate, ovarian cancer....shit, shit SHIT."   It felt like full blown Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

As we transition to life in Santa Barbara, we are using this move as a milestone to rewire my brain. I want to leave cancer anxiety behind. I want to foster and cultivate a healthy new mental state: strong, empowered and free of cancer thoughts. You can help me with this -- please don't ask me about cancer, my treatment, recovery, or prognosis. I know everyone has the best of intentions but talking about Porlock just gives him more power and makes cancer thoughts more present.  Bruce and I have even decided our house will be a no cancer zone. If we need to talk about an upcoming oncology appointments, test results or treatment options, we will do it out of our home.  And I promise to post my quarterly blood results, CT scans, etc, so you can know what's going on but don't have to ask.   

I am so looking forward to seeing all of you SB friends and hearing about your year.  Where have you traveled and what are you up to?   Ask me about life in Oxford, our trip to Morocco, hiking in Spain, flowers in Keukenhof or eating our way across Lisbon, Portugal.  But please let's leave Porlock behind.  The best way to help me is to plan outings and adventures, big and small, and keep me looking forward.

A special thanks to Craig, who flew from California to Oxford to sherpa our 6 huge bags, drive us from LAX to SB, and provide comic relief! Thanks, Craig!!  Thanks to Tom who unpacked our new bed,  Bonnie and Keith who left our house cleaner than it's ever been, and my parents who stocked the fridge, made the bed, and got the towels fluffed for our arrival.  As soon as we get new phone #s, I will post them, and stay tuned for a taco truck party invite.  

Hugs, Michelle and Bruce