Friday, 04/18

So it's Thursday night/Friday morning at 3:40 am so still Thursday to me.....today was a long hard painful and deeply emotional day. 

I had some xrays redone for my scapula which also showed my ribs....still a lot to work on and heal.... and they had me moving my right arm a lot to see what I could and could not do- I can still only bend it at the elbow and not raise it in the air--- I can only do a chicken wing about a little less than half way with considerable pain still....apparently the 3D xrays they showed me before came from the main hospital which was disappointing because they didn't have the actual machine to do that and I really was hoping to know more about my spine and rib repair and cartilage starting to form or not especially since the ribs are so painnful. We also remembered our last visit when the Dr. called additional people in to see the x ray because "we don't usually see people with these kind of injuries survive" or something to that affect..... they had at least 2 hours worth of questions which was suppppppppppppppppperrrrrr hard on my brain and my emotions.....some questions didn't have answers that even made sense or choices of answers. The woman I was working with though her name was Jane and she makes me feel comfortable and was super patient with my challenges.

Today I got to see my husbands work for the 1st time since he started there...so that was awesome....it was hard to disguise my pain as it kept growing as did my anxiety in the vehicle for so long.....we only stopped there because it was on the way to see THE Van and Austin just had to pee....I just had to see it in person.....for myself. I simply cannot believe it hasn't been destroyed yet. It's like it's been waiting there this whole time for me to see it and find all these puzzle piieces that have been gifted to us.....we took video also (totally the idea of the lady at the car place so I want to thank her for that idea).....My mom took pictures with the rep from the car place with us right there. The rep was also awesome in pointing out damage to the back of the vehicle in specific spots which we added to the video as well. The only part that sucked is both our phones ended up running out of battery life...so that part was emotionally hard to accept as I wanted to say more....but my head was swimming by that time. I saw it and every nook and cranny is now imbedded in my soul. I will say this much. I wasn't prepared for the full emotional impact of seeing that in person.....I did really well for most of it....there was just sooooooooooooooo much .............destruction.

Mom picked the boys up from school and I was needing to go to bed like NOW. I remember eating something as I was nauseaus got to the bed and fell "OUT" around 4ish and didn't wake up until almost 9pm....no energy whatsoever ....it has taken me forever to type this but I figured with my insomnia the effort of typing would make me sleepy.....so I will try to update you with something positive tomorrow or sometme this week.....there is something amazing I am leaving to mom to talk to you about that added another piece to the piuzzle for us, but she wanted to post about that and quite honestly it should be her that tells you what THAT is all about.... 

I do notice my depression increasing and my feeling of being helpless increasing. My HOPE while very much was there today is a kite in the wind that I am fiercely keeping my brain to focus on so it doesn't blow away.

Today I am overwhelmed tomorrow offers new opportunities for healing and growth.

Still looking for a traffic Attorney....ugh....just no time to deal with that today....