FROM CAREN

Is have finally been accepted to MaryFree Bed Rehabilitation. This place was always our family's first choice since the wreck happened. I am very excited and scared at the same time. I met with a "Dr. Kramer" yesterday along with my Case Manager and my mom (my husband couldn't be there because of work - which sucked - but necessary). I have a different view of how the appointment went than my mom and case manager feel it went....but we only had an hour to talk to him so had to "nutshell" EVERYTHING....which to me, meant he doesn't have all the information he needs and my brain was really struggling to keep up and keep track of everything. I am assured by him and the others that he does, and that he will get more as I start working with therapy. He wants to address some very important things right away (that by the way should never have been stopped at the previous rehab or once I came home should have been scheduled by the previous rehab before coming home)....physical, occupational, speech therapy, and an appointment with the psychologist to have the cognitive exam done....yes FINALLLLLYYYY - this part makes me happy. He is concerned about my right shoulder becoming something called "frozen shoulder" (which I only learned about this week) so wants me started right away. I will try to remember not to talk about where I came from but where I am going, because HOPE doesn't focus on the past. However, the past is important to the present, and changing the future. I would say forgive and forget but that would be too funny because I already have a problem with the forgetting part (like not remembering the wreck).....anyway my brain isn't making this sound any better.....

The part I am scared of is MORE pain, which I am also assured of I WILL experience. I am also scared of not getting any better than I am right now. I notice lots of improvements and no improvements at the same time even though that makes no sense. My family is starting to open up more things to me from the first hospital/ER experience that they never shared with me before, or I don't remember them sharing. Some of the things I hear make me proud, some make me sad, some things I appreciate and am thankful for, but the worst part, is that I don't remember any of it. Some of my family doesn't understand how I cannot remember since I was talking to them and communicating. I really don't understand that myself and that is something I will have to talk to this psychology guy about......I am also scared of ......did I mention the pain (sarcasm). I am not sure how I can take any more AND they are going to try and get me off all my pain meds (which also scares the crap out of me considering I am almost always in pain still). I was told the body has to heal before the brain can heal. This seems like an odd statement to me. but the two things that stick out to me from my communication with yesterday is something my casemanager said -

the appointment with the Dr. only gives him a :snapshot view" not the whole picture or the whole story. He will get that through reviewing records and my treatment there. The second thing that sticks out to me is KEEP AN OPEN MIND.

This is also challenging for me......however, my goals and desires to improve outweigh my goals and desires to express myself and my opinions right now. Right now I feel like I am a different person in my mind, but there are still some things that are "me". I feel like I am different in lots of ways....so I think I have had to keep an open mind....which equals a confused mind - for quite some time now......since the wreck.

I also wanted to tell you that their scale shows I lost 3.5 lbs since my visit to my Pimary Dr. shows....so that is supposedly a loss of nearly 30 lbs since March 20. At this rate, I might actually be able to succeed in other parts of my life too.....

So there's the update.....Monday is crazy I meet with the City Atty. - they are letting me skip the Judge to accomodate my present disabilities....still haven't found a traffic attorney willing to work with payments so looks like I am going solo.....this should be interesting....mom will be with me, hoping for more miracles....