Wednesday, 05/14, from Caren

Caren Robinson                          8:29 a.m.

I am in so much pain today I can hardly stand it This is ridculous. I feel like a shroud of pain is covering me and nothing can be done about it. I have all my therapies today too which will make the pain worse and mess up all the thinking in my head............which isn't friggen working the way I want it to anyway no matter how hard I practice.. My get up and go got up and went and I am really really trying to focus on other things.........but my focus is constantly off. 

I think my brain has been on overload for a while now....since January 4 really - the day of the wreck....and I try and try and still half my memories don't exist. They just aren't there. I feel lost in a time warp. All the doctors.they say get brain rest keep your stress down........go to sleep at regular times wake up at regular times. There is no friggen such thing as regular when you have an irregular bucket of issues always in your face and your body, life, and limitation in general seem to be holding you back....and here I am drowning in stress and financial castration and memory loss and word challenges - which were never a part of my life before the wreck.....I want to go back to work.......but even I know that is not possible yet. I abhor feeling so limited and trapped in this room and in this body and how that light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting smaller and smaller. 

I am tired of empty promises and empty follow through from these insurance companies and people that are supposed to be handling my case in a responsible and professional and timely manner - 30-45 days is all it is supposed to take for me to start receiving payment back for all the prescriptions we have been paying out of pocket for since March 20 when I came home.- so of course we are always broke now. Even my mom has been paying for my Prescriptions so she is pretty much financially hit as well.. It's not her job to cover our family or do that for me. I mean I appreciate the help, but not at the expense of her own finances and bills. Let's not even get into all the gas it is costing to 

I was told just be patient and your claim will be open and billable.....guess what..its been over 90 days ...............WTF. Do you realize I have Medical Insurance and cannot even touch it or use it because this is an "Autoclaim"????? and it's claiming my whole life and that of my family is what it is doing. I detest promises that are not followed through on.. I detest excuses instead of follow through. I feel like a hyporcrite trying to be positive with my kids and smile and tell them to have a great day when I feel like our whole world is falling apart.

Today I have my first pscyhology appointment since the wreck. You would have thought they would have had that going all along.....but nooooooooooooo...........apparently that would be expectiing too much efficiency. There is just so much - too many puzzle pieces that would have not been an issue for me to deal with BEFORE....and I am so tired of the comparisons inside myself and outside of myself about BEFORE BEFORE BEFORE....well guess what!!! that is NOT reality NOW. .I am really hoping MaryFreeBed is better at this whole organization thing and ready for the shitakestorm that is about to hit them today because my emotions are angry and confused and so overwhelmed with life in general today...and did I mention I was in pain too.

.unless this is some evil plot to make me feel motivated to get better faster so I don't have to deal with all the BS (okay that last line was my sad attempt at a joke to lighten all this seriousness - but I have never been good at the whole timing thing).

I have had enough pain but I realize I have to face more to get more out of my life - to have the life I want and need. I am tired of struggling to find my words and speak in general. It almost makes me want to be quiet and not ever speak again, but my brain and personality won't allow that to friggen happen either.,,,,,sorry to all you guys who wish that was something that could actually happen.

Don't worry, I'm not giving up I am just needing to say here what I can't seem to get to come together out of my mouth........and even if it did.......it wouldn't accomplish a thing.

I am using my coping stuff. I am holding on to hopeeven though today it feels more imaginary than tangible. Thursday.............just have to make it to Thursday and its a new day with new opportunities and new blessings with some small progress that I can be proud of.. I have to find the good in today and push past this pain and fear and overwhelming anxiety.

I have to because I accept nothing less from myself. How can I be a good person, a good wife, a good mother, a good human being if I am not able to apply what is at the core of me???? How do I even know what that is anymore???