Before the next installment about the retreat, I can report that Don & I had our first “survivorship” program appointment at the hospital today. This is a new program to implement Federal requirements about follow-up information and care for cancer patients, and it consisted of a meeting with a very nice, smart, and supportive PA who went over a host of areas I might have questions and concerns about – diet, exercise, sleep, sexuality, genetics, long-term side effects of treatment, what to watch out for in terms of recurrence, resources in the community for support, etc. It was good, and reassuring about the various worries I’ve had – the bony bumps on my chest (“musculo-skeletal asymmetry,” she pronounced), the possibility of heart damage from the Adriamycin (highly unlikely at the dosage I received), etc. I guess I’m now officially a “survivor,” though I’m not that fond of the term.[...]

Thanks for your appreciative posts, everyone! I did feel a little more vulnerable sharing that poetic entry with you than some of my other writing, which I hadn’t realized exactly, until I got the positive feedback. I do occasionally write poetry, when the mood strikes me, which is rare (but more common during a meditation retreat).[...]

So if you read my last post you’ll know I was trying to practice feeling as fully alive as I could a few days into the retreat. The problem is that trying is a problem. It’s not just Yoda, but many other Buddhist teachers who say so (George Lucas’ Yoda, who famously said “Do. Or do not. There is no try,” was supposedly partially based on this Tibetan Buddhist teacher from Dharmsala, India, whom George Lucas met prior to making Star Wars.)[...]

I stayed home with a head-cold today, and took some more time to write, so here's another installment about the retreat I just came back from.

Last year at this same time, Don and I also went to the fall retreat with Tara Brach at Pearlstone. That was my first time at that conference center (though not my first time on retreat with Tara). When I hiked the woods loop for the first time, I got lost. As I eventually learned, the trail is only well-marked in one direction, and if you take it in the other direction, you are quite apt to take a wrong turn, and end up on a side spur of the loop trail. When this happened to me unawares last year, I ended up on a trail that dead-ends at the confluence of two streams.[...]

Well, the retreat was wonderful. Not always easy – the style of “insight” meditation taught by Tara Brach, James Baraz, and the other teachers includes recognizing, allowing, and investigating whatever emotions arise when you sit still and notice what is happening in the mind/body. (They use the acronym “RAIN,” with the N standing for non-identification, which is the result when you do the other 3 enough). It can be a bit of a roller coaster.[...]

Don and I are off to a 7-day silent meditation retreat near Baltimore, with Tara Brach, Jonathan Foust, James Baraz, and La Sarmiento as teachers. We’ve been to a few retreats led by Tara Brach and her colleagues before, and they are wonderful. I am so grateful to be healthy enough and to have the time and money to be able to go to it. It’s also particularly good timing, an opportunity to slow way down and reflect, and practice appreciating each moment.[...]

Today I received a lovely email from a good friend who was thinking about me, saying: “I’m a bit dumbfounded by the latest round of looking beneath the surface of your cancer to see about other possible issues, etc. It felt overwhelming for me. I so wanted this to just be over for you both. I had not heard of this before and was discouraged to think that this might become a lifelong issue for you. It just doesn’t seem fair! And, why do I have so many women in my life who have or are dealing with breast cancer for whom this issue has not been raised. Are they not getting the level of care that you are? Are your medical people going overboard? What’s the deal????”[...]