Thank you all for your incredibly supportive words. In writing what I did earlier this week, and in reading your replies (including a wonderful letter from a newer friend who has had two mastectomies, two years apart, about what she does miss about her breasts and how she doesn't regret her mastectomies without reconstruction) I have begun to feel more at peace and more ready for the surgery. [...]

My emotions have been all over the map the past week or two. Our trip to visit Don’s dad was intense – it was the first time we’d been to see him since before my diagnosis, and he’s declined a lot. So much so that we called hospice in while we were there, and extended our stay by a couple of days. It was hard to leave him, but good to get home. As the surgery nears (it’s a week from tomorrow!), I am quite busy with logistical, medical and psychological preparations, working out to regain my strength, and work and art projects I’d like to get done before it happens. I also have been doing a lot of grieving about losing my breasts.[...]

I have always been pretty much a rule-follower. I was teachers’ pet all through my childhood, and can count on the fingers of one hand, with a couple to spare, the times I got in trouble in elementary school. I did have a few years of minor teenage rebellion, but I’ve NEVER had a speeding ticket, and there is only one place I regularly ignore the “no turn on left” sign at a quiet intersection, and then only if there’s no traffic around (and no police cars lying in wait).[...]

After a long meeting with the breast surgeon today, a lot of things feel more settled, and I’m feeling quite relieved.

1) The tumor in the right breast (the one I felt that took me to the doctor last February, which was fast-growing) is COMPLETELY GONE! The one in the left breast, which was much trickier to find and hard to image, is inconclusive on the MRI results, but is at least a lot smaller, and what remains is likely to be DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ, which is not invasive and is the kind of breast “cancer” that they are beginning to take a “watch & wait” approach to rather than treat – and are even thinking of removing “carcinoma” from its name because it’s not clear that it ever spreads beyond the ducts in many cases).[...]

Well, perhaps all the acupuncture and well-wishes helped my white blood cell count, which was plenty high enough for chemo yesterday, but my platelets were too low! And, my hemoglobin was down to 8.3 so they gave me 2 units of blood, but no chemotherapy. (It took a 7-hour door-to-door trip to the UW Hospitals & Clinics to accomplish this -- I guess a lot of other people also needed blood yesterday. Fortunately my friend Anita was with me and we never run out of things to talk about). So, when will my last chemo treatment be? Not clear yet. Since I have an MRI scheduled for Monday and on Tuesday the Tumor Board meets and I have an appointment with my surgeon to plan the surgery, she will apparently tell me then whether I even need another chemo treatment, in which case it could be sometime this coming week if my counts are high enough. Or, presumably, if the MRI shows the tumors have already shrunk to nothing, then my "last treatment" was actually last Friday July 31st![...]

People have been asking me how the “letting go” ritual that I mentioned in my earlier blog went. First, though, a brief medical/symptom update. This week I have been quite fatigued, feeling like I’m on the edge of needing another blood transfusion. But my hemoglobin count was higher at the beginning of this cycle than the previous two cycles, so I’ve been optimistic that maybe it wouldn’t be necessary. Although going upstairs and walking uphill (or walking for any length of time) leave me quite winded and a little headachy, I have not been feeling like I’m about to pass out, and I have been able to swim 3 times this week. I had two acupuncture sessions this week rather than my usual one, in hopes of getting my white cell and platelet counts high enough so that I can have my LAST chemo treatment tomorrow (!) (Keep your fingers crossed! While it wouldn’t be terrible to have to postpone it to next week, we’d really like to get it done, in part so that I am more likely to feel well enough to go with Don to Indianapolis soon to visit his dad Irv, who turns 96 tomorrow and who is continuing to decline significantly).[...]

Well it's been a very full week or so since I've written. First the medical update: my white blood counts were high enough on Friday so I received my second-to-last chemo treatment. One more to go!! Woohoo! If my counts are high enough that will happen this coming Friday, 8/7. My hemoglobin also has remained high enough that I haven't needed a third transfusion so far, though I am feeling somewhat fatigued and slowed down. [...]