On Yom Kippur we read the passage from Isaiah 58 in which God asks, is this the fast I have asked for? One where you humble yourselves with sackcloth and ashes? No! I desire a fast where you throw off the yoke of oppression, and share your bread with the hungry.[...]

Some things are gradually returning to normal. My hair is growing back (and eyebrows, and armpits, and…). Still like soft peach fuzz on the top of my head. Kinda cute, silvery. However, a lot is still different, and I’ve been learning the meaning of the phrase “Residual Cancer Burden.” Technically, it is an index compiled from several factors including size of the tumor remaining after chemotherapy, lymph node status, and “cellularity.” Emotionally, it seems an apt phrase to describe this new phase of life. In medical/technical terms, the RCB is predictive of risk of recurrence of cancer and survival rates. Emotionally, of course, how much has changed permanently in my life is still unknown, and how big a “burden” I feel as a result of my treatment so far and my prognosis can change radically from day to day and even hour to hour.[...]

Well as usual lately there is way more to write about than time to write it all. We took an epic journey this past Saturday-Monday to Indianapolis for my father-in-law’s memorial service – epic because, when I heard about the timing of the service so soon after my surgery, I felt overwhelmed by the prospect of traveling with Sam and Sarah (my twin adult step-children, who both have disabilities) while still recovering, and asked Don’s two close friends Frank and Scott to come with us to support us and help with the driving. So, we had a caravan there & back, and it was worth the considerable extra logistics and coordination. Also epic because we basically never drive there & back in 3 days, and because it is likely the last time we will go there, at least as a whole family. The service and open house afterwards were very nice and we heard many wonderful and funny stories about Irv, and hung out with family and old friends.[...]

We had my post-surgery visit with the surgeon today, and it went well. She removed my stitches and drains -- a weird pulling sensation but painless, perhaps at least in part because of ongoing numbness that is expected to gradually dissipate over the next few months or even years. I was exhausted after the appointment and fell asleep in the hammock after only a few minutes of reading. I woke up and realized it was a little too sunny for that and went upstairs to bed and took a long nap![...]

My recovery has continued to go pretty well. There’s been a fair amount of discomfort, mostly from the drains, but not too much pain, and the pain I have had has been pretty intermittent and decreasing a little every day I think. I realized after a couple day or so with no oxycodone at all, that it helped to take one pill at night, just to cut the pain down a little, which in turn increases my mobility, which in turn reduces the pain. One pill isn’t enough to cause constipation, and it’s at night so I don’t feel as tired and fuzzy-headed during the day (though the dreams on oxy are a bit weirder than usual – one night I dreamt a whole long saga about rescuing myself and my sister from kidnappers, with the help of the hosts and other guests at the bed and breakfast we & our kidnappers were staying at!).[...]

Don's dad died today around 3:30 Eastern time. Yesterday morning Don's sister Nancy called from Indianapolis to say that the hospice nurse had come and agreed with Nancy's assessment that this was really the end; they said they thought it was likely he would go within a day or two. Don had been planning to wait until Wednesday (today) to drive down, to give himself a little more time to feel sure I'd be okay without him, and to recover from the intensity of my surgery and first days of recovery; but when he got the call he packed up and drove down. He arrived yesterday evening, and was able to spend much of the night last night with Irv, singing to him and chanting and meditating and holding his hand and massaging his feet. [...]

There's more to say about how the surgery itself went, but for now, here are some bits from the last couple of days. 

The hardest part about yesterday, pun intended, was the constipation. I had had one bowel movement the first night home, but I’m used to 2-3/day so was getting increasingly uncomfortable as the day progressed. I tried a lot of different things – over-the-counter colace and colace with senna; stewed prunes; drinking lots, including prune juice; half a dose of miralax, then when that didn’t do it, another half-dose by early afternoon. Eventually I felt desperate enough to send Don out to the drug store for glycerin suppositories, which was the kind my sister-in-law Dr. Margot recommended. I expected one of these to work nearly instantaneously, and when it didn’t I added a second one. When this still didn’t work (and I’d gotten to the point where I couldn’t eat and didn’t feel comfortable sitting up) I finally thought to look up the acupressure points for constipation. I stimulated a number of them myself; then my sister Rachel, just arrived from California, spent some time on a couple of points she knew. Then we decided it was time for an evening walk, the heat having abated enough; I thought I’d try sitting on the pot one more time before leaving, and – voila! Success! The walk was much more pleasant as a result.[...]

Well I got a good night's sleep, only up a couple of times to use the bathroom and take a pill. I had high hopes of being up for writing a deep and/orscintillating post this morning, and then I took two oxycodone and I feel quite woozy. E.g. I asked Don to bring me my laptop, and it took me a minute or two after opening it to remember why I wanted it and how to log in to this website. There is a bit of an argument going on inside me between the "I'm a mindfulness practitioner and know how to be mindful through pain" side and the "current theories of pain management suggest keeping the pain well under control actually assists with healing" side. Taking the two oxycodone was definitely yielding to the stay-on-top-of-the-pain side. Then there is staying on top of the side-effects -- primarily constipation. I've got some yummy prune-based options and some pills for it too.[...]

Becca had a good night. She and Margot were interrupted several times by MDs and RN and NAs, but otherwise she (and Margot slept ok. Her pain was well controlled most of the night and all day today even though the block has worn off. Her wonderful surgeon and the residents came by early this morning before I got there. She gave us her cell phone number in case we have questions. [...]

Hi everyone. This is Becca dictating to Don, giving Don free rein to add his thoughts in parenthesis. I'm happy to report that I have been hungry and able to eat, and have gotten up to pee once so far. My pain is under control. I've had no nausea. I'm contemplating the menu for dinner at this moment. Don and Margot have been wonderful - it is great to have a doctor in the family, and it is great to have Margot here for many other reasons as will. The hospital staff have also been lovely. I hear the surgeon will come to visit soon. Thank you all for all your messages and well wishes. It is very weird to dictate rather than to write. We brought some items from the August Letting Go ritual to decorate my room. (She was pretty bossy while she was dictating; I guess that makes her a dictator.)