Saturday, 05/10

This week has been hard. I have had many times struggled to find the right words. They float like puzzle pieces in my head.

I went to my 1st Traumatic Brain Injury support group meeting this week. The best part about it was my husband being able to make it after work for the last half of it. It meant so much to me to have him there. I also learned that I am not crazy and that a lot of the symptoms I am having and I talked about having others had the same things...it was sad and relieving at the same time. Of course I cried again. I don't seem to be able to anticipate or control those tears.....so annoying. i won't be going to their activity - that is being held at a bowling alley of all places. Im not so sure how well thought out that was because the noise would be unbearably anxietyish...if that is even a word.

I started therapy too at MaryFreeBed Rehabilitation. This is not going to be easy, but I am prepared for the process and the work and the pain. I found the Speech therapy testing to be quite frustrating, confusing and a struggle overall that left me feeling depressed and with a throbbing headache. The Physical Therapy is going to be key in giving my legs freedom again if I can get my brain to cooperate with the balance part of things. I would like to get rid of the cane and the wheelchair. The Occupational Therapy is a little more tricky. My arm doesn't want to cooperate the way I desire or envision it working but I am committed to doing what needs done to accomplish what needs to be done so I can get as much use out of it as possible.

I miss hugging my kids and my husband with both arms. I miss sharing a bed with my husband. I miss being able to carry things with both arms. I miss work. I miss driving. I miss going for long walks. I miss going to the store. I miss leaving the house for anything that isn't medically appointment related due to all my challenges. I miss Grand Haven and the Pier. I miss friends coming over or going to their house. Some days I feel like a prisoner within my own body and mind. I miss doing things for myself and being independent. I miss baths in a bathtub. I miss not having to be monitored going up and down the stairs. I miss having no memories of the wreck and most of the days after that - at the first hospital. I miss feeling smart. I miss feeling accomplished and creative. I miss being on top of everything. I miss being able to think clearly and to bring up words that I can see but not voice. I miss being able to carry on a conversation without having to have someone repeat things over and over. I miss being able to pay bills and contribute something valuable to my family. I miss my life before the wreck. I miss feeling happy a lot of times. I miss feeling in general...too many challenges here to get into. I miss not being able to jump out of bed, get dressed, and go. This is a MUCH slower process. I miss not being able to focus. I miss TV and movies and so many other things. Aside from an occasional dream, I miss dreaming every night.

However, here is the battle. 

I am very grateful to be alive. I am grateful my son wasn't hurt like me physically. I gladly accept each injury in his place. I am grateful that I have a family to be home with. I am grateful for breathing each breath I take in every moment. I am grateful for continued therapy which I wouldn't have been able to afford without the laws we have in this State. I am grateful for new opportunities every day to learn new things. I am grateful that my right side and right arm is hurt and not my left side, since I am left handed. I am grateful that I am not paralyzed. I am grateful for the pain, which reminds me to take things slow and be patient with the process. I am grateful my mom kept my deceased father's wheelchair so we didn't have to get a new one just for me. I am grateful that my mom sacrifices her time and energy and health to help me during the day - every day - with no chance of compensation; and that my husband is my helper all night long as I continue to heal and then goes to work the next day for minimum wage which barely does anything but it is a job he loves - so we are both grateful for that. I am grateful for prayer warriors and supporters that I have never even met. I am grateful for online support groups who help me sometimes remember why its important to never give up. I am grateful for my "hope dream". I am grateful for not missing all the things I would have missed if I had died that day. I am grateful that I have been given a second chance at life. I am also grateful for copy and paste so I can take by breaks between typing posts like this. I am grateful for the people who have helped me get this far. I am grateful for my brain injury which has given me a challenge in many aspects of my life in dealing with others and myself in ways I never imagained I would have to deal with.

So this week I have been just wiped out in every way. There have been lots of changes, lots of mistakes, lots of forgetting and lots of new "bombshells" that keep surprising us on a regular basis. What to choose, how to choose, what to trust, who to trust, all battles within me and with those I come into contact with. Choices...each one important, each one necessary, each one confusing and cloaked with uncertainty.