My emotions have been all over the map the past week or two. Our trip to visit Don’s dad was intense – it was the first time we’d been to see him since before my diagnosis, and he’s declined a lot. So much so that we called hospice in while we were there, and extended our stay by a couple of days. It was hard to leave him, but good to get home. As the surgery nears (it’s a week from tomorrow!), I am quite busy with logistical, medical and psychological preparations, working out to regain my strength, and work and art projects I’d like to get done before it happens. I also have been doing a lot of grieving about losing my breasts.[...]

I have always been pretty much a rule-follower. I was teachers’ pet all through my childhood, and can count on the fingers of one hand, with a couple to spare, the times I got in trouble in elementary school. I did have a few years of minor teenage rebellion, but I’ve NEVER had a speeding ticket, and there is only one place I regularly ignore the “no turn on left” sign at a quiet intersection, and then only if there’s no traffic around (and no police cars lying in wait).[...]

After a long meeting with the breast surgeon today, a lot of things feel more settled, and I’m feeling quite relieved.

1) The tumor in the right breast (the one I felt that took me to the doctor last February, which was fast-growing) is COMPLETELY GONE! The one in the left breast, which was much trickier to find and hard to image, is inconclusive on the MRI results, but is at least a lot smaller, and what remains is likely to be DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ, which is not invasive and is the kind of breast “cancer” that they are beginning to take a “watch & wait” approach to rather than treat – and are even thinking of removing “carcinoma” from its name because it’s not clear that it ever spreads beyond the ducts in many cases).[...]

Well, perhaps all the acupuncture and well-wishes helped my white blood cell count, which was plenty high enough for chemo yesterday, but my platelets were too low! And, my hemoglobin was down to 8.3 so they gave me 2 units of blood, but no chemotherapy. (It took a 7-hour door-to-door trip to the UW Hospitals & Clinics to accomplish this -- I guess a lot of other people also needed blood yesterday. Fortunately my friend Anita was with me and we never run out of things to talk about). So, when will my last chemo treatment be? Not clear yet. Since I have an MRI scheduled for Monday and on Tuesday the Tumor Board meets and I have an appointment with my surgeon to plan the surgery, she will apparently tell me then whether I even need another chemo treatment, in which case it could be sometime this coming week if my counts are high enough. Or, presumably, if the MRI shows the tumors have already shrunk to nothing, then my "last treatment" was actually last Friday July 31st![...]

People have been asking me how the “letting go” ritual that I mentioned in my earlier blog went. First, though, a brief medical/symptom update. This week I have been quite fatigued, feeling like I’m on the edge of needing another blood transfusion. But my hemoglobin count was higher at the beginning of this cycle than the previous two cycles, so I’ve been optimistic that maybe it wouldn’t be necessary. Although going upstairs and walking uphill (or walking for any length of time) leave me quite winded and a little headachy, I have not been feeling like I’m about to pass out, and I have been able to swim 3 times this week. I had two acupuncture sessions this week rather than my usual one, in hopes of getting my white cell and platelet counts high enough so that I can have my LAST chemo treatment tomorrow (!) (Keep your fingers crossed! While it wouldn’t be terrible to have to postpone it to next week, we’d really like to get it done, in part so that I am more likely to feel well enough to go with Don to Indianapolis soon to visit his dad Irv, who turns 96 tomorrow and who is continuing to decline significantly).[...]

Well it's been a very full week or so since I've written. First the medical update: my white blood counts were high enough on Friday so I received my second-to-last chemo treatment. One more to go!! Woohoo! If my counts are high enough that will happen this coming Friday, 8/7. My hemoglobin also has remained high enough that I haven't needed a third transfusion so far, though I am feeling somewhat fatigued and slowed down. [...]

My counts were high enough so I had my chemo treatment today. Two (2!) more treatments to go, on a weekly Friday schedule now, unless the counts are too low...[...]

Last night before going to sleep, Don and I were talking about the surgery decision. We reflected on how having longer to think about it (because I’m having chemo first, and decided to delay the decision) has made us both more open to options other than mastectomy. Partly, this is due to the distance in time from the initial diagnostic biopsy stage, which was pretty traumatic and temporarily disabling. Though chemo is unpleasant and longer, it honestly doesn’t feel as bad as that felt. As it was happening and immediately afterwards, I felt like I definitely didn’t want to have to keep going through repeated mammograms, MRIs, and follow-up biopsies every time they find something suspicious, many of which would turn out to be non-cancerous. As the memory of the pain and fear recedes, it is a little easier to consider keeping breast tissue and being subject to some of that in the future.[...]

Well, today was another surprise – my white cell and platelet counts are too low to get my chemo treatment. Everyone expected, I think, that after a week off of chemo they’d be fine. Perhaps it was that I also took three weeks off of acupuncture, due to a combination of missing an appointment because of my hospitalization, my acupuncturist being away, and then me being away…. I’ve called to try to get in to see her this week before Friday, when we will try again. If it works on Friday, they will switch me to Fridays instead of Tuesdays for the remaining two treatments; if not, we will go back to Tuesday…. Sigh. As if I weren’t already complaining about the difficulties of scheduling… I guess it’s another reminder to let go of the illusion of control.[...]

The week at clay camp at Bethel Horizons Adamah Studios was fun and refreshing. My energy was pretty good most of the week. I did nap nearly every day, and opted to take the shuttle up the hill at American Players Theater when the group went together to see Pride and Prejudice; but I was able to do everything I wanted to in the clay studio, and I also swam twice at Governor Dodge State Park, once in each of the two lovely lakes there.[...]