I stayed home with a head-cold today, and took some more time to write, so here's another installment about the retreat I just came back from.

Last year at this same time, Don and I also went to the fall retreat with Tara Brach at Pearlstone. That was my first time at that conference center (though not my first time on retreat with Tara). When I hiked the woods loop for the first time, I got lost. As I eventually learned, the trail is only well-marked in one direction, and if you take it in the other direction, you are quite apt to take a wrong turn, and end up on a side spur of the loop trail. When this happened to me unawares last year, I ended up on a trail that dead-ends at the confluence of two streams.[...]

Well, the retreat was wonderful. Not always easy – the style of “insight” meditation taught by Tara Brach, James Baraz, and the other teachers includes recognizing, allowing, and investigating whatever emotions arise when you sit still and notice what is happening in the mind/body. (They use the acronym “RAIN,” with the N standing for non-identification, which is the result when you do the other 3 enough). It can be a bit of a roller coaster.[...]

Don and I are off to a 7-day silent meditation retreat near Baltimore, with Tara Brach, Jonathan Foust, James Baraz, and La Sarmiento as teachers. We’ve been to a few retreats led by Tara Brach and her colleagues before, and they are wonderful. I am so grateful to be healthy enough and to have the time and money to be able to go to it. It’s also particularly good timing, an opportunity to slow way down and reflect, and practice appreciating each moment.[...]

Today I received a lovely email from a good friend who was thinking about me, saying: “I’m a bit dumbfounded by the latest round of looking beneath the surface of your cancer to see about other possible issues, etc. It felt overwhelming for me. I so wanted this to just be over for you both. I had not heard of this before and was discouraged to think that this might become a lifelong issue for you. It just doesn’t seem fair! And, why do I have so many women in my life who have or are dealing with breast cancer for whom this issue has not been raised. Are they not getting the level of care that you are? Are your medical people going overboard? What’s the deal????”[...]

On Yom Kippur we read the passage from Isaiah 58 in which God asks, is this the fast I have asked for? One where you humble yourselves with sackcloth and ashes? No! I desire a fast where you throw off the yoke of oppression, and share your bread with the hungry.[...]

Some things are gradually returning to normal. My hair is growing back (and eyebrows, and armpits, and…). Still like soft peach fuzz on the top of my head. Kinda cute, silvery. However, a lot is still different, and I’ve been learning the meaning of the phrase “Residual Cancer Burden.” Technically, it is an index compiled from several factors including size of the tumor remaining after chemotherapy, lymph node status, and “cellularity.” Emotionally, it seems an apt phrase to describe this new phase of life. In medical/technical terms, the RCB is predictive of risk of recurrence of cancer and survival rates. Emotionally, of course, how much has changed permanently in my life is still unknown, and how big a “burden” I feel as a result of my treatment so far and my prognosis can change radically from day to day and even hour to hour.[...]

Well as usual lately there is way more to write about than time to write it all. We took an epic journey this past Saturday-Monday to Indianapolis for my father-in-law’s memorial service – epic because, when I heard about the timing of the service so soon after my surgery, I felt overwhelmed by the prospect of traveling with Sam and Sarah (my twin adult step-children, who both have disabilities) while still recovering, and asked Don’s two close friends Frank and Scott to come with us to support us and help with the driving. So, we had a caravan there & back, and it was worth the considerable extra logistics and coordination. Also epic because we basically never drive there & back in 3 days, and because it is likely the last time we will go there, at least as a whole family. The service and open house afterwards were very nice and we heard many wonderful and funny stories about Irv, and hung out with family and old friends.[...]

We had my post-surgery visit with the surgeon today, and it went well. She removed my stitches and drains -- a weird pulling sensation but painless, perhaps at least in part because of ongoing numbness that is expected to gradually dissipate over the next few months or even years. I was exhausted after the appointment and fell asleep in the hammock after only a few minutes of reading. I woke up and realized it was a little too sunny for that and went upstairs to bed and took a long nap![...]

My recovery has continued to go pretty well. There’s been a fair amount of discomfort, mostly from the drains, but not too much pain, and the pain I have had has been pretty intermittent and decreasing a little every day I think. I realized after a couple day or so with no oxycodone at all, that it helped to take one pill at night, just to cut the pain down a little, which in turn increases my mobility, which in turn reduces the pain. One pill isn’t enough to cause constipation, and it’s at night so I don’t feel as tired and fuzzy-headed during the day (though the dreams on oxy are a bit weirder than usual – one night I dreamt a whole long saga about rescuing myself and my sister from kidnappers, with the help of the hosts and other guests at the bed and breakfast we & our kidnappers were staying at!).[...]

Don's dad died today around 3:30 Eastern time. Yesterday morning Don's sister Nancy called from Indianapolis to say that the hospice nurse had come and agreed with Nancy's assessment that this was really the end; they said they thought it was likely he would go within a day or two. Don had been planning to wait until Wednesday (today) to drive down, to give himself a little more time to feel sure I'd be okay without him, and to recover from the intensity of my surgery and first days of recovery; but when he got the call he packed up and drove down. He arrived yesterday evening, and was able to spend much of the night last night with Irv, singing to him and chanting and meditating and holding his hand and massaging his feet. [...]