I want to sincerely thank all of you for your prayers, wishes, positive vibes, and support through my family’s difficult situation.  It really means a lot to me knowing that I have all of you here when I need a virtual shoulder to lean or cry on.  I feel your hugs and love. From our heart to your heart, please know how dearly you are loved and appreciated.[...]

Well.....today was absolutely draining. The day of my cognitive testing...which left me feeling pretty much lifeless by the end of it all. I arrived shortly after 8am and was able to be done by almost 4pmish. A lot of things were more difficult that I imagined and really there were times I felt like puking my guts out, but I didn't want them to postpone things or change the date or stop it too soon....I literally just felt like the life was sucked out of me today, it was so tiring. I have if anything more questions than answers now. When I got in the van I felt weak and numb..........got home sat on the couch and don't even remember falling asleep just that the kids kept waking me up with questions.

I apologize that I have not been online. This has been a hard month for me and my family in general. May 17 I went to Urgent Care with my son because he had a horrible cough and my husband was unavailable to go. My mom drove Austin (my 5 year old) and myself there.... I got seen because my face pain was so great I couldn't stand it. I also had a cough that was being stubborn and persistent. On Sunday May 18 a Nurse called us and said the Bronchitis that Austin was diagnosed with originally, was actually pneumonia and they were putting him on a "Zpack" (Azithromyacin). They had prescribed me Amoxicillin for my mouth infection as half my tooth was missing (amazing what you don't notice when you are on so many pain meds and start coming off of them) - but they hadn't received anything back yet regarding a report about my Xrays. I am curious why I never received any oral mouth care/examinations in the nearly 4 months I was in the hospital....but that is another thought topic entirely. 

Then Thursday on May 22 I get a call saying they couldn't decide if I had Pneumonia or Atelectasis, that both lungs showed "density" and that both lungs showed "plueral thickening", but they were most concerned with the right lung (the injured one from the wreck) because it had a lot more "density" than the L lung. Their concern was that they are unable to decide if it was pneumonia or something called "Atelectasis" they were even wondering about a hiatal hernia since the "density" was so large, Soooooooooooooooooo to rule out Pneumonia, they changed my antibiotic from Amoxicillin to a Zpack. Meantime, my mout got out of control - and the pain in my ribs and mouth was hard to distinguish which hurt worse..

I then saw an Oral Surgeon after being referred by my Primary Care Physician.and waiting for the appt which felt like forever on May 27th I think.................he said my back lower L tooth was Fractured and damage to my lower R tooth or teeth as well.......I don't remember exactly how he said it.........but L tooth due to some kind of Trauma since half of it facing the outside of my jaw was missing/fractured - (this was my duh moment) and the other side could have been from a Metabolic disorder (oh sayyyyy like the Anemia I had in the hospital and for several months - ugh!!!!)

I saw a great lady at my Dr Office whose name is Beth. She always makes me feel safe and listens to what I am feeling. She had an xray done there on May 28 and there was not much improvement in my lungs so she switched me to ANOTHER antibiotic called Levaquin in 500mg....ohhh and I was developing a UTI.....not so awesome!!! I am supposed to go for a CT Scan within the next 2-3 weeks for my lungs. For those that know what a PR Breathing Capacity Test is, my average out of 3 attempts was an "FEV of 56%"

May 28th night I couldn't sleeep all night due to pain in mouth and ribs....but pain in mouth was winning that race - and called the Place I was referred to for my teeth and this Dentist actually answered his phone at 2:35 in the morning - I was impressed by that . 

On May 29th the Dentist got me in for an Emergency surgery first thing in the morning and so I had to cancel all my appointments with MaryFreeBed and my Psychology appointment that morning (which sucked hard core). - but saved my tooth by doing a root canal (all under the AutoClaim because I had no fractured teeth BEFORE the wreck).. Right now it has a temporary filling in it. So I have to follow up with my regular Dentist to get a permanent filling and crown (but have to finish paying HIM off first from work he did for me this past Fall and he deserves every cent because he is amazing and trusted us).

May 30 - Friday was my cognitive testing and I already summed that up at the top of this post.............soooooooooooooooooooooo I have been fighting hard to stay healthy and on top of things....however, my brain still gives me fits...[...]

today was, for caren hideous -- hope blooms eternal even in adversity -- caren (beloved, and magic) nowell (birth, or life) -- my beautiful flower[...]

Rough day today.  We are all exhausted.

Doctors still concerned about lungs, and fractured tooth. Third round of antibiotics. Going on levoquin now. Yet more pain for Caren.  CAT scan of lungs after this round of antibiotics.  Three hours of therapy today.   No funds for expensive meds, or gas for yet more appointments. .[...]

Nich and I are back from his class trip to D.C.  Austin recovers from pneumonia, Kane has bronchitis, Caren has something wrong with her lungs.   Doctors are alarmed.  At first they were treating broken/hurting teeth from the wreck, but they noticed that BOTH lungs are 'patchy'.  So far only the right side, the side of impact, was affected.  Antibiotics were chan ged.  Back to doctor's next week.  TV is off, no internet or home phone. Mortgage is now past due. Caren truly is not alone in this battle.  We are all affected.[...]

Caren, believe that you can do anything - your mind to God mind.  Believe how wonderful you are.  "Keep on keeping on!"[...]

[While I realize that there comes a point when a person no longer refers to their injury as a concussion, I found the following site helpful and full of information about managing syptoms of traumatic brain injuries.][...]

Rev. Dick Ammons told me Sunday that I am not the wreck and not to "own" the wreck as my own. That the van was wrecked and I was just a bystander in the event. The van was wrecked and totaled. I am not - I am repairable. 

Oh yeah, I went to Church Sunday for the first time in a long while because I heard he was speaking and I wanted to see if I could survive the outing. That and it was Mother's Day and I wanted that time with my mom. We didn't even take any kids.

I told him I don't remember the wreck, but feel completely wrecked as I stuttered across my thoughts and tried to think of how to speak what I was thinking.

He is a matter of fact guy who I love and respect a LOT. I heard him and his analogy and I am still processing that line of thinking. It's a deep concept for me and doesn't make sense and makes sense at the same time.[...]

Caren Robinson                          8:29 a.m.

I am in so much pain today I can hardly stand it This is ridculous. I feel like a shroud of pain is covering me and nothing can be done about it. I have all my therapies today too which will make the pain worse and mess up all the thinking in my head............which isn't friggen working the way I want it to anyway no matter how hard I practice.. My get up and go got up and went and I am really really trying to focus on other things.........but my focus is constantly off. 

I think my brain has been on overload for a while now....since January 4 really - the day of the wreck....and I try and try and still half my memories don't exist. They just aren't there. I feel lost in a time warp. All the doctors.they say get brain rest keep your stress down........go to sleep at regular times wake up at regular times. There is no friggen such thing as regular when you have an irregular bucket of issues always in your face and your body, life, and limitation in general seem to be holding you back....and here I am drowning in stress and financial castration and memory loss and word challenges - which were never a part of my life before the wreck.....I want to go back to work.......but even I know that is not possible yet. I abhor feeling so limited and trapped in this room and in this body and how that light at the end of the tunnel keeps getting smaller and smaller. 

I am tired of empty promises and empty follow through from these insurance companies and people that are supposed to be handling my case in a responsible and professional and timely manner - 30-45 days is all it is supposed to take for me to start receiving payment back for all the prescriptions we have been paying out of pocket for since March 20 when I came home.- so of course we are always broke now. Even my mom has been paying for my Prescriptions so she is pretty much financially hit as well.. It's not her job to cover our family or do that for me. I mean I appreciate the help, but not at the expense of her own finances and bills. Let's not even get into all the gas it is costing to 

I was told just be patient and your claim will be open and billable.....guess what..its been over 90 days ...............WTF. Do you realize I have Medical Insurance and cannot even touch it or use it because this is an "Autoclaim"????? and it's claiming my whole life and that of my family is what it is doing. I detest promises that are not followed through on.. I detest excuses instead of follow through. I feel like a hyporcrite trying to be positive with my kids and smile and tell them to have a great day when I feel like our whole world is falling apart.

Today I have my first pscyhology appointment since the wreck. You would have thought they would have had that going all along.....but nooooooooooooo...........apparently that would be expectiing too much efficiency. There is just so much - too many puzzle pieces that would have not been an issue for me to deal with BEFORE....and I am so tired of the comparisons inside myself and outside of myself about BEFORE BEFORE BEFORE....well guess what!!! that is NOT reality NOW. .I am really hoping MaryFreeBed is better at this whole organization thing and ready for the shitakestorm that is about to hit them today because my emotions are angry and confused and so overwhelmed with life in general today...and did I mention I was in pain too.

.unless this is some evil plot to make me feel motivated to get better faster so I don't have to deal with all the BS (okay that last line was my sad attempt at a joke to lighten all this seriousness - but I have never been good at the whole timing thing).

I have had enough pain but I realize I have to face more to get more out of my life - to have the life I want and need. I am tired of struggling to find my words and speak in general. It almost makes me want to be quiet and not ever speak again, but my brain and personality won't allow that to friggen happen either.,,,,,sorry to all you guys who wish that was something that could actually happen.

Don't worry, I'm not giving up I am just needing to say here what I can't seem to get to come together out of my mouth........and even if it did.......it wouldn't accomplish a thing.

I am using my coping stuff. I am holding on to hopeeven though today it feels more imaginary than tangible. Thursday.............just have to make it to Thursday and its a new day with new opportunities and new blessings with some small progress that I can be proud of.. I have to find the good in today and push past this pain and fear and overwhelming anxiety.

I have to because I accept nothing less from myself. How can I be a good person, a good wife, a good mother, a good human being if I am not able to apply what is at the core of me???? How do I even know what that is anymore???[...]